Cat Fight! Bush vs. The Freepers

By Baxter

So Jeb! Bush has been "the new GOP front-runner" for all of one day, and already two big negative stories are making the rounds. The first, which reminds us cats an awful lot of Willard Mitt Romney, avers that Jeb! was a weed-smoking bully in high school. (Willard didn't smoke anything, Mormon that he is, but he was a bully, too.) The second, which we think is far more dangerous, is a recap of the Terri Schiavo nightmare.

L'affaire Schiavo poses more of a threat to Jeb! because it slams him from all sides. Normal Americans were appalled that Jeb!, his brother the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived, and the Republican jackasses in Congress dared to interfere in a family's private medical decisions. (Although it wasn't necessarily surprising. Republicans have always been happy to barge into women's doctors' offices.) Meanwhile, right-wing evangelical whackjobs, like the teabags and the Freepers, hate Jeb! because he let Terri Schiavo die.

So we cats aren't sure how Jeb! is going to navigate this one, particularly if he's the at the top of the 2016 ticket. But of course he has to get that nomination first. And it only takes one visit to our favorite friends over at Free Republic to see what he's up against:

"The powers that be don't have a clue how much the starvation murder of Teri [sic] Schiavo means to a lot of pro-life conservatives. If Jeb's the force-fed nominee, no more excuses. It's irreversibly past time for a third party."

"Jeb, I am not only going to delight in watching you fall on your stupid, coke-bottled, big fat face, I am going to actively work to see that you are destroyed in the primaries."

"I can’t wait to vote for Jeb…said not one person ever."

"The sheer arrogance of Jeb Bush is breathtaking. It’s going to be a real pleasure to do everything within my power to make sure this m*****r loses. I don’t care if it’s in the primaries or the general election."

And finally, here's our favorite, bar none:

"If Jeb is the nominee, I will not only stay home, I will vote for the Democrat so the GOP loses by a bigger margin."

We cats PURR.

Vice

By Miss Kubelik

It's amusing how Republicans are shocked, shocked to "discover" that the Famous Quitter from Alaska is an idiot. She gives an incoherent speech at Steve King's KKK rally in Iowa this past weekend, and suddenly they're forced to admit publicly that their 2008 Presidential nominee, his campaign and their national party were all willing to put an utter fool next in line to the Oval Office.

We cats call that endangering the country. Maybe even treason. But then we remembered that the Republicans had done it before. (On the other hand, Sarah Palin makes Dan Quayle look like Stephen Hawking.)

Which got us to thinking: Aside from the Famous Quitter and Quayle, in just the last 20 years the GOP has managed to nominate an Ayn Rand acolyte, a sadist and a football player to the number-two spot on their ticket. They all had their problems — particularly the sadist — but basic brain power probably wasn't one of them. (Interestingly, politically, the football player would probably not be welcome in the Republican Party of today. Just sayin'.)

In contrast, allow us Democratic cats to review some of our recent Vice Presidential nominees. Joe Biden served a thousand years in the Senate and chaired the Foreign Relations Committee for hundreds of them. Joe Lieberman was a 1964 Freedom Rider whom the Republicans came to love. President Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. Lloyd Bentsen was a distinguished Senator and Cabinet member (and we all know what Lloyd is most famous for.) Before groundbreaker Geraldine Ferraro came to Congress, she worked her way through night law school and later prosecuted rapists, wife beaters and child abusers.

We admit that John Edwards is a scoundrel and a pretty boy — but as everyone who's ever faced him in a courtroom knows, there's perspicacity under that perfect hair. You'd have to go all the way back to 1972 to find somebody who was a real problem — and George McGovern removed him from the ticket, dooming the Democrats' slim chances against Richard Nixon forever.

In short, it seems clear that our Presidential nominees have given serious thought to whether their veeps were up to taking the reins of power, and willing to admit for the good of the country if they picked wrong. The Republicans? They nominated Sarah Palin. We cats HISS.

P.S.: We couldn't resist — we checked on our friends over at Free Republic, to see how they're reacting to the GOP's Palin abandonment. Would they, too, finally throw in the towel on their sainted Famous Quitter? We were thrilled to see that the answer was no. We cats PURR.

Cumber-Abashed

By Sniffles

We cats have been tempted to zoom over to our favorite paranoid corner of the Internet, Free Republic, to see what our right-wing friends have posted about Benedict Cumberbatch's recent linguistic gaffe.

Surely they're fuming over another persecution of a white man by political correctness run amok. We're so certain of this that we don't even need to look.

We know we'd see the same old tired indignation from people who, as usual, miss the point. In our experience, what the Freepers and others decry as evil and speech-squelching political correctness is almost always nothing more than being considerate of other people's viewpoints and feelings. We think that that's a good thing. If society now frowns upon callous, insensitive speech and behavior that it used to tolerate — well, yay.

At the same time, we're also inclined to give Mr. C a pass on this one. Not because using the term "coloured actors" instead of "actors of colour" wasn't an anachronistic eyebrow-raiser — it was — but because his apology was so sincere. He understands the grave nature of his error: As a graduate of the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art with an MA in classical acting, he knows the power of language.

So in the end, we PURR at Benedict Cumberbatch. But if he's still feeling like a bad puddy-tat, he could always change his name. We cats suggest Kirby Delauter.

Passed-Over Princess

By Zamboni

In the category of dog bites man, the Famous Quitter from Alaska gave an incoherent speech at Steve King's KKK rally in Iowa this weekend.

Now, we cats have always known that the Famous Quitter was a few beers short of a six-pack, and that John McCain is a traitorous fool for being willing to place her one 71-year-old cancer survivor's heartbeat away from the Presidency. But now, a lot of right wingers are clucking over the FQ's sorry performance and saying she's "declined" from her 2008 glories.

That makes no sense. Because if her "decline" has only become apparent now, why did the pundits and the party pooh-bahs all quietly leap-frog over the Famous Quitter when it came to discussing the Republican "heir apparent" was in 2012?

In other words, if Palin was in such fine form coming out of '08, why was the next Republican whose "turn it was" Willard Mitt Romney? Willard was a primary also-ran. Why was the next, um, guy in line not the party's Vice Presidential candidate? We think we know.

After this weekend (and especially now that she's hinting about 2016), it's more clear than ever that Republicans have been trashing the Famous Quitter to one another behind closed doors — and being polite to her whackjob teabag base in public — for six years now. And the media appear totally complicit. They allowed the boys of the GOP to brush Palin aside and name Willard the crown prince.

We cats despise the Famous Quitter, so we feel no outrage about this. Just disgust at the fakery of A) the Republican Party and B) the political media. Which makes us HISS.

Run For Your Lives!

By Baxter

No, we're not talking about the big winter storm. "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell is still on the streets!

The US Court of Appeals just ruled that T-Bob can stay out of jail while he appeals his multiple corruption convictions. We don't know about you, but we cats are feeling far less safe, knowing that we could run into this hardened criminal at any time.

But seriously: We'd like to know what kind of a world we live in, when the guy who sullied the office Thomas Jefferson once held doesn't get hauled off to the hoosegow — but a Yale student gets stopped by a cop at gunpoint for the crime of walking while black — and a 12-year-old is murdered by Cleveland police for no reason?

It just doesn't seem right. We cats SNARL.

Battle Of The Hatefests

By Miss Kubelik

Ever notice how the GOP is the party of misanthropes? Really! You just need to look at this weekend's events to know that if you're a human and you're reading this, Republicans really don't like you.

First, there's that secretive Koch confab out in California, where the billionaire brothers will decide which Republican to throw their unending dollars behind so that they can dismantle unions, squash the minimum wage, and make the planet uninhabitable for everybody.

It's mostly establishment guys who are parading around for the Kochs, like some sort of twisted beauty pageant which nobody with a bank account under a zil (give or take a zil) is invited to judge. Public and press are not allowed, but we're sure there will be a lot of resentful talk about Willard Mitt Romney's despicable 47 percent.

Then there's the KKK rally in Iowa that Steve King is hosting (and Citizens United is sponsoring). This is where passengers of earlier Republican clown cars — plus some new additions — are gathering to roll out their 2016 model, and where presumably they'll all rail against immigrants, women who want reproductive rights, gay people and Americans who are getting health insurance for the first time in their lives. (The cross-eyed college dropout Scott Walker is speaking even as we write this.)

Underlying both of these events is unbridled anger and a deep contempt — not just for the American electoral process, but for the citizens who dare to take part in it. Thanks for nothing, United States Supreme Court, for making it all possible. We cats HISS.

With Apologies To Ervin Drake, The NFL's Had A Very Bad Year

By Sniffles

Once again, we cats are forced to ask: Why should we care about football? It's chock full of racists, animal abusers, wife beaters, and now, cheaters.

Count us in for the Puppy Bowl once again. Yes, it's all about dogs — but even though its players occasionally poop on the field, they're still better behaved than the so-called men of the NFL. We cats HISS.

If, Then

By Zamboni

We cats know people who refused to watch the State of the Union Address last night — not because they wouldn't have agreed with it, but because they objected to what a silly spectacle it's become. This, of course, is Ronald Reagan's fault.

But ironically, this particular SOTU was probably the one to watch — for whole bunches of reasons. So many things made us break into Cheshire cat grins that to list them all now would be long and redundant. But we have to say we were particularly thrilled that President Obama took the Republicans to task on climate change.

Specifically, all that "I'm not a scientist" crap they constantly spew.

Right wingers and science deniers have probably felt pretty smug about getting away with that line, because until now it's gone essentially unchallenged. This has driven us crazy. So points to the President for calling them out on it.

On the other hand, Obama could have taken it farther. He could have said that repeating "I'm not a scientist" means that the Republicans should also be saying stuff like this:

"I'm not a farmer, so I can't vote on agricultural price supports."

"I'm not a member of the military, so I can't support defense spending or send soldiers into war."

"I'm not an energy industry engineer, so I have no credibility on the Keystone Pipeline."

And Obama could have added that, at the same time, you never hear Republicans saying:

"I'm not a woman, so I don't have the right to restrict their reproductive freedoms."

As always, there's no such thing as logic in the Republican universe. Which makes us cats HISS.

"Blue Lives Matter"

Attention, Dan Snyder

If Martin Luther King, Jr. were alive today, he would be 86 years old. And we think we know how he'd feel about this.

A Pregnant Palmetto Possibility

By Baxter

As if the 2016 Republican field weren't crowded enough, here's some exciting news: The politician known in the Democratic cat world as Lady Lindsey may toss her petticoat into the ring.

Okay, yes, we're talking about Lindsey Graham and yes, he really did say that he was thinking about it. Oooh! We cats haven't felt like this since Tom Harkin ran in 1992 and screwed up the Iowa caucuses.

That's because a Lady Lindsey, ahem, "entry" into the race will take the most conservative of the four early primary/caucus states off the map. And cue the domino effect, because this will force the right-wing nutjobs (of whom there are many) to collectively rethink their strategies — and possibly make the "Southern super primaries" on Tuesday, March 1 all the more important.

Which is fine with us cats, because guess what? Those super-duper states are not winner take all. So we'd have a real possibility of very few Republican candidates having to drop out early — yet with no one having a clear path to a majority by the end of the season.

So, have at it, Lady Lindsey! We Democrats would love it if you got in. Although with the heavy premium that your party puts on wives and kids, we're not sure how you're going to ride your bachelorhood to victory. Just sayin'. We cats PURR.

Lest We Furr-get: Willard's Still Trying To Check Off That Last Item On His Bain To-Do List

By Miss Kubelik

We cats have written ample posts in the past about how self-entitled the Romneys are. Now, as we all edge toward the Presidential race of 2016, it's good to know that people don't change.

Ann Romney — who, like her husband Mr. Forty-Seven Percent, loves to talk about her fellow Americans in terms like "you people" — has reportedly changed her mind about another race, and decided that Willard owes it to his country to run again.

Our broad Cheshire-cat grins — which were not unlike President Obama's when he was asked about Romney III — were quickly supplanted by an eye-roll and a shake of our furry heads once we came across this little nugget in The New York Times:

"When Dennis King, an old friend of Mr. Romney's, attended a California fund-raiser during the 2008 race, he asked Mrs. Romney why her husband was subjecting himself to the indignities of modern political campaigning.

"'That's what God wanted him to do,' Mr. King said she had responded."

So there you have it, folks: In one small anecdote, a vivid illustration of the Romneys' contempt — "subjecting himself," "indignities" — and the convenient cloaking of their self-entitlement in the will of God.

What more do you need to know? We cats HISS and dump our dirty litter boxes in the Romneys' magic-underwear drawer.

(IMAGE: Jack Ohman, The Sacramento Bee. Purr-fect!)

Perth Of A Nation

Is it too late to hop a plane for Australia? We cats have just learned that the Walker Art Center's newest collection of curated cat videos is set to premiere tomorrow evening in Perth.

The festival will be free to the public courtesy of the city of Perth and the Australian branch of the Cat Haven rescue sanctuary.

We American cats probably won't be able to attend, thanks to breaking political news here at home (SCOTUS to rule on marriage equality!). But to whet your appetite, here is one of last year's cat videos. Me-ow!

Doctors Without Brains

By Sniffles

The Republican Party's newest flash in the pan, Ben Carson, has just stuck his foot in his mouth. Surprise, right? This is what happens when neurosurgeons try to do things they're not good at, like run for President.

He said Americans today should be more willing to die for their beliefs, like the Founding Fathers were. Oh, and, yes, like those guys from ISIS.

We cats don't know about you, but we wouldn't want to be operated on by a doctor who finds things to admire about the murderers who call themselves the Islamic State. Is he hoping they'll ship him a few severed heads as medical specimens? It's, no pun intended, mind-boggling.

But what's even more boggling is this: Sure, the American revolutionaries were willing to put their lives on the line for independence. (Remember that famous line about "all hanging separately.") But it's also true that the British lost America because they were fighting a guerrilla war 3,000 miles from home, with long supply lines and endless lags in communications, and by being forced to live off the land and fight as much as a guerrilla army as a traditional one. Meanwhile, the Americans were able to hang on until Britain no longer could afford the cost and distraction of the war — and had to cut bait to focus on their continuing struggle with France.

In other words, Ben Carson is quickly emerging as the dumbest guy in the Republican field. Quite an accomplishment. We cats PURR.

An American In Paris (But Not Swiftly)

By Zamboni

Secretary of State John Kerry is visiting Paris! He's laying wreaths, making speeches in French, and has gone to the Elysee Palace to hug Francois Hollande. He even brought James Taylor with him! By all accounts, the French are thrilled.

But we cats are still annoyed. Just as with the repugnant Swift Boat liars in 2004, John Kerry has responded late. So we HISS at the same time we PURR.

Republicans Censure Agema, Still Manage To Miss The Point

By Baxter

The Republican National Committee's executive committee has desperately tried to put daylight between their party and a jackass in Michigan named Dave Agema, who spends most of his time posting hate speech on the Internet.

But — whoops! Committee members almost instantly undercut themselves with a statement they issued after the censure. Agema, they said, was indeed a bad puddy-tat — not because he was a racist and a hater, but because he had "demonstrated an unwillingness to change his behavior."

Note to the GOP: It's not the guy's behavior that's the problem. It's his beliefs. So we hope you'll take a moment to look at yourselves in the mirror and ask why somebody who calls gay people "filthy," black people lazy and Muslim-Americans "camel jockeys" would feel at home in your party in the first place. We cats HISS.

P.S.: While they were at it, the GOP should also have chided Agema for not knowing the difference between "affects" and "effects." Why are hate-filled xenophobes always the ones who are so terrible at English?

FIDO Means "Forget It, Drive On" (That Includes You, Kirby Delauter)

By Miss Kubelik

We cats refrained from writing about Kirby Delauter, the Maryland jackass who threatened the Frederick News-Post with legal action for mentioning him in a story. What, we wondered, could we possibly say that hadn't already been said?

But we love Kirby Delauter's name so much that we were hoping to have another opportunity to write about him after the original Kirby Delauter dust settled. And, what do you know? The chance was just dumped in our furry laps!

That's because today's news made us realize that there are lots and lots of people out there who don't understand freedom of the press.

Kirby Delauter doesn't realize that as an elected official, his name, image, positions, actions and utterances (or lack thereof) no longer belong to him. A reporter, blogger, Twitter user, online commenter, Instagram poster, etc., etc., ad nauseum does not need to ask his permission to mention his name.

Similarly, conservative followers of the Prophet Muhammad — who actually sounds like he was an enlightened, tolerant guy — don't understand that journalists, cartoonists, writers, essayists, novelists, bloggers (see above list for Kirby Delauter), etc., need not consider "religious sensitivities" in the materials they write, draw and publish. Even though the Prophet Muhammad is much more famous than Kirby Delauter. In fact, because he is.

We cats were thinking this through and wondered what would be a relevant example in our Democratic feline world. Well, we loathe and despise Rush Limbaugh, but we don't campaign to have him taken off the air. We think James O'Keefe is a cretin and a creep, but we don't wait outside his apartment with an AK-47. We're repulsed by Jerome Corsi, but he has every right to publish his silly, paranoid books.

In short, Kirby Delauter and religious fundamentalists: If a newspaper, magazine, TV show, novel, movie or book upsets you, you can't try to stop it. Just don't buy it, watch it, read it, go see it, or have it anywhere near you. Why is that so hard?

(Okay, so Kirby Delauter threatening legal action against his local newspaper is not quite in the same league as shooting up a roomful of journalists. But it's still violence — just a different kind.)

We suggest that Kirby Delauter refresh himself on the Constitution — and that everyone who says they are not Charlie stop sweating it and take a tip from the Quran: "Do not sit with them." We cats PURR.

(IMAGE: The New Yorker's wonderful cover.)

Tidbits And Cat Treats: Indecorous Bastards Edition

By Sniffles

We cats had business in the District today — and we thought we might see some extra security, Charlie Hebdo-wise, or maybe some lingering minor contretemps on the subway. But aside from a few slow trains, all was well. Meanwhile, here are some headlines that caught our eye on our travels.

Thank goodness — Judge Spencer has ruled that "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell must be hauled off to the hoosegow February 9. Which means that the former Republican Governor of Virginia, who sullied the office once held by Thomas Jefferson, has to go to jail while he mounts his fruitless appeal of his corruption convictions. We cats, for one, are relieved. We'll sleep a lot better at night, knowing that T-Bob is off the streets.

Prime Minister David Cameron has called a FAUX "News" commentator a not-nice name for claiming that the city of Birmingham is "totally Muslim" and off-limits to infidels. (Cameron also managed to mention porridge.) So, a hard-core conservative in Britain can speak truth to power not only to FAUX "News" but to the biggest and most evil media emperor in the UK. Yet here in the US, you can't find a single Republican (let alone a few jackass Democrats, like Evan Bayh) who would dare say anything the least bit negative.

Speaking of evil emperors, Rupie Murdoch has gotten himself in hot water with J.K. Rowling (among others) for his silly tweet about "Moslems." Rupie's message is probably the most cringeworthy since Donald Trump boasted about his relationship with "the blacks." As for Rowling, we're not sure what dog she has in this fight, but we're happy that she's taken it upon herself to banish Murdoch from civil society. After all, she has a bigger megaphone than we do.

Finally, Congressman Randy Weber, a Republican nitwit from Texas, decided to tweet about President Obama's absence from the Paris antiterrorism march. But he only managed to get oeufs on his face with a clumsy (and misspelled) reference to Adolf Hitler. We cats regret that the coverage of Weber's misstep didn't mention the GOP's recurrent fondness for Hitlerian white supremacists. We guess that since Steve Scalise was last week's news, the Republicans get to reset the Hate Clock with this week's outrage. Which makes us HISS.

Much Ado About Sort Of Something

By Zamboni

We cats have no doubt that had President Obama jetted off to Paris to march this weekend, the right wing would have found ways to pound him for it. Too European-y, they would have said. Calling for unity and tolerance is squishy. He should be bombing the Middle East instead.

(Never mind the fact that Obama killed the jackass who one of the French terrorists claimed funded his efforts. Republicans screamed about that drone strike then — although you don't hear them saying much about it right now.)

But back to Paris: It appears that Obama has finally decided to do his own thing. He can't win with his critics, and he's through trying. Or perhaps he thought it was Francois Hollande's show, or the French people's. Who knows? We cats have to say that to us, the mental picture of a marching Obama feels wrong. It would have been, as the saying goes, "de trop" (or just a little around the edges).

However, while we suppose that Vice President Biden could have attended, we are most amazed that America's present top diplomat, John Kerry, didn't show up.

A previous engagement in India, you say? Sorry, John — you should have sent someone else to Ahmedabad and gotten your marching shoes on, tout de suite. So we HISS.

P.S.: We can't help noting that it would have been impossible send our most recent President or Vice President to represent America overseas. They would have been arrested for crimes against humanity.

And In That Same Spirit (And To Avoid Any Mind-Boggles)...

"La Marseillaise: Play It!"

Victor Laszlo would have approved.

Plus Ca Change, Mais Ce N'est Pas La Meme Chose

 We cats remember the days when one of our neighborhood French restaurants had to hang an American flag in its window so it wouldn't be firebombed by Iraq war supporters. The so-called "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" did themselves pretty proud yesterday. We cats salute them, and PURR.

Not Good Work(s)

By Baxter

First of all, we cats would like to go all "Meow!" and say that Carly Fiorina needs to get a new plastic surgeon. Ugh, she looks like a store mannequin. Although this still is from almost a year ago, tonight on "Real Time with Bill Maher" she looked even worse.

Second, we'd like to register our disgust that Fiorina, a woman — okay, a Republican woman, so she may be missing a few brain cells — would categorically state, as she did tonight, that no moral equivalent exists between Muslim extremism and other religions. It's just amazing that right wingers never see the parallels between Islamic fanatics and the Christian fundamentalists who shoot up abortion clinics and kill doctors in their homes or at church.

And of course, none of the allegedly liberal men on Bill Maher's panel pointed that out tonight. Which makes us cats HISS and dump our dirty litter boxes over all their heads.

Freres ET Soeurs

We don't know why the reports we've seen tonight — including Rachel Maddow's, believe it or not — insist that President Obama addressed only Frenchmen in the condolence letter he wrote at the Embassy of France. But as you can see (above), he clearly said, "We stand united with our French brothers and sisters to ensure that justice is done and our way of life is defended." Hm. Qu'est-ce qui passe? We cats SIFFLER.

Nous Sommes Charlie Aussi

Doing Time

By Sniffles

Well, the good news is that Judge Spencer has thrown the book at Transvaginal Bob McDonnell. The bad news is that it was a Big Little Book, while we cats were hoping it would be a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Two measly years for corrupting the Old Dominion's highest office is not only not a "meaningful sentence," but pretty much an outrage. Unlike the judge, we cats were not moved by the mewlings of McDonnell's immature children, his past military service, or the misguided few Democrats who were persuaded to say nice things about him.

Still and all, it looks like T-Bob and the "cross he has borne" will be hoosegow-bound come February 9. Which is cause for celebration. Just think of everything he'll miss before he gets out: His daughters could have more babies. (More Republicans... brrrrr.) His sons could rack up a few dozen more DUI arrests. And of course he'll be AWOL for the next Presidential election. (We assume that as a convicted felon, he'll be unable to vote.)

And oh, one more thing. While Judge Spencer did a big eye-roll at the "It's All Maureen's Fault" argument, he did say that the greedy cheerleader was the one who "allowed the serpent into the mansion."

You know, for millennia, the Christian religion has let Adam off the hook and blamed Eve for Original Sin. We wonder if Maureen will get the same treatment come February 20. We cats HISS and PURR.

Florida Fabulous

By Miss Kubelik

Wow, marriage equality in Florida! We cats are excited, but also, as the saying goes, curious. What happens to Sunshine State employers who have so far avoided offering medical coverage to the partners of their gay workers?

We're particularly wondering about firms that have made painstaking efforts to restrict coverage to "your spouse in accordance with Florida law." Well, as of today, Florida law means all spouses. Hm. Sounds like just deserts for bigoted boards of directors, we'd say (although we have sympathy for the HR folks on the front line who are, at the moment, caught in the middle).

Amazingly, some of these companies have either landed, or yearn to land, on famous lists of great places to work. In our humble opinion, any employer that bends over backwards to exclude, isolate and discriminate against its gay and lesbian employees is not "great" at all. We cats HISS (but we also PURR).

Jerk!

By Zamboni

Okay, we cats realize we can't write every post about "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell, as tempting as that might be. So let's take a moment to consider "Jeb!" Bush.

Little Jebbie Fatface (our real nickname for him is unprintable here) has been resigning from boards like crazy lately, trying to make himself look "moderate" enough for general election voters in 2016. What everyone seems to be forgetting is that Jeb! must first try to appeal to the right-wing, whacko, crazy-eyed jackasses who vote in Republican primaries. And those voters are having no truck with him.

One big reason is Terri Schiavo — or, as they call her, Terri Schindler-Schiavo. (Or just Terri Schindler. Wipe Michael Schiavo out of the record books if you can, folks.)

See, while the rest of America (the normal part) thinks that the Republicans' and George and Jeb! Bush's behavior in the Schiavo drama 10 years ago was repellent — a sizable contingent of the GOP's teabag wing thinks so, too: for the opposite reason. In their view, the Bushes let Terri Schiavo die!!

Want proof? Here are just a few choice comments from our favorite wingnut friends over at Free Republic:

"If Jeb Bush gets the GOP nomination for president in 2016, I will probably write in Terri Schindler in November."

"Jeb (Killer) Bush actually had state troopers on the way to rescue her and turned them back for some perverse reason...I heard the air hissing out of the Republicans’ balloon upon the killing of Terri Schiavo. Terri is when the Republicans doomed themselves."

"I'm sorry, but I take character into account when I vote for a candidate, and Jeb Bush is wanting in this department."

"Jeb Bush could have saved her. He didn’t. Instead, he pretended to stall until it was too late."

So excuse us, Pundit World — but with these nutbags running the base of the Republican Party, Jeb! Bush is going to get the 2016 nomination exactly... how? We cats wonder. And of course we PURR.

Mistaken Identity

By Baxter

Just a few days away from being (we hope) hauled off to the hoosegow, convicted Republican criminal "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell is whining to the media about how sad he is.

We cats normally love reading about T-Bob and his well-deserved travails. But it still makes us hack up a hairball when, like all right-wing Christian jackasses, Bob insists on striking the martyr pose — telling supporters that he has "borne my cross through this long, dark walk in the valley."

Bob, in other words, compares himself to history's most celebrated cross-bearer. Gag us.

We'd like to remind Bob that Jesus of Nazareth was innocent of the charges brought against him, but tortured and executed anyway. Transvaginal Bob, on the other hand, is guilty, guilty, guilty. You don't get to "bear a cross" after you've accepted the bribes, enjoyed the vacations, posed with the Rolex, and driven the Italian sportscar. We're sorry, but you just don't.

Yes, we know that Jesus famously forgave a transgressor with the admonition "Go, and sin no more." But someone as self-righteous and judgmental as Transvaginal Bob should not have sinned so badly in the first place. So there. We cats HISS.

(IMAGE: "What Would Jesus Drive?")

Please, No Copycats

By Sniffles

We cats don't go in much for canine metaphors, but once the Famous Quitter from Alaska was revealed to be an idiot back in 2008, we knew that forever after it would be clear that her bark was worse than her bite. Now, however, we may have to change our minds.

That's because she apparently has taken to the Face Non-Book to post a photo of her Down's syndrome son — what's his name, Trash? — stepping on a dog to reach the sink.

Yes, the dog appears unconcerned. What worries us is that across the country, stupid Republicans (and yes, we realize that's redundant) will be stepping on their dogs in imitation.

We hate the Famous Quitter from Alaska and her ignorant hillbilly family. Since law enforcement hasn't yet seen fit to clap them in irons, they have none of the redeeming (and amusing) qualities of the McDonnell clan. But believe us, we are waiting for the day. In the meantime, in solidarity with our fellow American pets, we cats HISS.

30 Years Later, The Speech Is Still True

"The difference between Democrats and Republicans has always been measured in courage and confidence. The Republicans believe that the wagon train will not make it to the frontier unless some of the old, some of the young, some of the weak are left behind by the side of the trail. 'The strong,' they tell us, 'will inherit the land.'
 

"We Democrats believe in something else. We Democrats believe that we can make it all the way with the whole family intact, and we have more than once. Ever since Franklin Roosevelt lifted himself from his wheelchair to lift this nation from its knees to new frontiers of education, housing, peace; the whole family aboard, constantly reaching out to extend and enlarge that family; lifting them up into the wagon on the way; blacks and Hispanics, and people of every ethnic group, and Native Americans — all those struggling to build their families and claim some small share of America."

—Mario Cuomo