Sore Loserman

By Sniffles

We cats only have one regret about Election 2012: that the names "Romney-Ryan" don't lend themselves to parody the way "Gore-Lieberman" did in 2000. Back then, the Republicans accused us of a certain lack of graciousness about, um, "not winning."

Now, fast-forward to today, and without even a lick of irony, the GOP is beside itself that Barack Obama decisively won not one but two Presidential elections. (The Worst Person Who's Ever Lived, they should recall, only won one — by a whisker.)

They're inconsolable. They've whined about everything from hurricanes to Chris Christie to their candidate ("He was too conservative!" "No, he wasn't conservative enough!"). Now, three weeks later to the day, here's their latest: Obama stole 2012!

The Republicans are so pathetically jumping the shark that we cats were just going to roll our eyes and go back to sleep — until we heard that Virginia's own attorney general was joining in. So allow us to have a few words with our not-so-dear Ken Cootchie-Hootchie-Nelly.

First, General Cootchy, get this through your thick skull: There was no voter fraud in the Old Dominion. None. We cats know this, not only because we are smarter than you, but because we were there. We memorized the voting rules of the road (which are quite stringent here, as you know), took them to the polls, and spent 15 hours watching 1,754 Virginians cast ballots in our precinct alone.

Everyone who was entitled to vote did so. Only a handful were turned away, and all for the right reasons (like being in the wrong place). So your allegation that fraud occurred is a vile slur not only on the voters we observed but on the elections officials themselves — fine public servants who worked a nearly 24-hour day, and half of whom, you should remember, were Republicans.

Second, General Cootchy, you might think to blame Willard's loss in Virginia on the fact that he didn't have a primary here in the spring. With only Romney and Ron Paul collecting the necessary 10,000 signatures to get on the Virginia ballot, the contest was a non-event — costing Romney an important opportunity to hone his ground game for the fall.

And who dropped his initial push to change that 10,000-signature rule, after Gingrich and Santorum went to court? Why Mr. Cootchy, we believe it was you.

Better open your umbrella, Cootch. Because we cats are about to dump our dirty litter box on your head.