Texas Roundup

By Sniffles

The Democratic nominee for US Senate in Texas is a devout young man who calls out evangelical hypocrites with the actual words of Jesus, and wow, do they hate that. That's a side of James Talarico that we cats like a lot. But we do feel bad for Jasmine Crockett. Our hope now is that Texas Democrats have a kiss-and-make-up party like the one Maryland Democrats threw after their combative Senate primary in 2024. (Angela Alsobrooks went on to win the seat in November.)

Meanwhile, Republicans in Texas are a little grumpy that their Senate candidates, incumbent cipher John Cornyn and wildly corrupt MAGAt Ken Paxton, are headed for a runoff. Neither got more than 50 percent of the vote last night, and neither had received an endorsement from Donald Trump. But maybe it'll happen soon. Trump is promising that it will, and he wants whoever he passes over to quit the race.

In other words, Trump is auctioning his endorsement to the highest bidder. Which candidate will promise the most grift and graft in return for Donald's support? (Paxton seems like the likely expert in the field.) On the other hand, who will be more supine in the Senate? (Sounds like Cornyn, hands down.) On top of that, Senate Republicans are agitating for Trump to back Cornyn and put an end to all this.

But why would Paxton drop out? The runoff is May 26 — the Tuesday after the Memorial Day weekend, just tailor-made for a low turnout. Expect the MAGA fervent faithful who adore Ken to be much more motivated to vote that day than Cornyn's jaded elite.

Finally, what will distant-third-place-finisher Wesley Hunt do? If he were smart and kind of diabolical, he would get out in front of Trump and make an endorsement now — particularly if he was annoyed that he didn't earn Trump's support in the first place. It's hard to imagine him lining up behind Cornyn since Cornyn's team blamed its under-50 performance on Hunt's "vanity campaign" (ouch). Think of the mischief Hunt could make! That would make us cats PURR.

Tillis Is Tops (With Caveats)

By Hubie and Bertie

Lots of news in the firehose tonight, but what really stood out for us was Republican Senator Thom Tillis raking puppy killer Kristi Noem over the coals in today's Senate Oversight Committee hearing.

What we really like about it is that Tillis drew a direct line between Noem killing her dog to the lax training of the ICE agents who have detained, abused, and murdered American citizens, in Minnesota and elsewhere. That needed to be done, and was excellent work, Senator! Still, we wish that you and your fellow Republicans would not wait until (like you) you're retiring to call a spade a spade.

Our other question was: Why did Noem come to this Congressional hearing dressed like she was going to a party? Her hair was FOX-News-fluffed-out to the nth degree, she was flashing cleavage, and she was sporting a huge pair of dangling earrings. This is professional? This communicates her dedication to DHS's responsibility to protect Americans' safety? We think not. Please, universe, return us to the days of serious people at the head of serious government agencies, taking Congressional testimony seriously. We cats HISS.

World War Epstein Via De Adder Du Jour

Now we've had four service members killed in Trump's and Netanyahu's war against Iran. The casualty figure should actually be zero — because, well, obviously. Let's hope the American military families getting bad news are comforted that their loved ones died for Donald's shady business empire. We cats HISS.

World War Epstein

By Miss Kubelik

Now that the two Worst Persons Who've Ever Lived have plunged us into a war that nobody voted for (not Congress, not us), people are asking: What is the goal? What's the plan? What's the strategy? (Is there one?)

It's kind of hard to tell, since Benedict Donald hasn't troubled himself to speak to the nation about any of this. In fact, he's been under wraps — he must still be recovering from that endless SOTU.

Unfortunately, however, we cats know what the plan is. It's as obvious as the fake-gold gewgaws currently besmirching every surface of the Oval Office: Decapitate the Revolutionary Guard. Suppress the popular cries for democracy. Instead, install the Shah's son Reza Pahlavi as a puppet president. Once in power, Pahlavi will be free to merrily grift and graft in the finest traditions of Donald Trump.

In return, Trump will get:

• Control of the oil fields,
• Control of the other extraction industries like copper and zinc,
• Control of the Iron, steel, and petrochemical industries,
• Thirty-six miles of Persian Gulf coastline for tourist development, plus golf resort opportunities in the interior, and, of course...
• A shiny new Trump Tower on Pahlavi Square in Tehran.

In short, no nation-building here — just corruption on the scale of an entire national economy. And if anyone tries to claim that the Constitution prevents a President from unilaterally deploying the military to build his business empire, there are five to six justices on the Supreme Court who would probably disagree. We cats HISS.

Posting This Again For No Particular Reason

 

"It Was A Time When Strangers Were Welcome Here"

This is the best way we can think of to salute Neil Sedaka, who left the planet today. Considering the immigrant hate that Trump 2.0 has whipped up and enacted, we can only hope that when Sedaka's fellow octogenarian Neil Diamond checks out — which we hope won't happen soon — his most famous song will be "America." We cats PURR.

Making Excuses

By Zamboni

There sure have been a lot of boys (we won't say "men") twisting themselves into knots to absolve their behavior lately. (Tip: The behavior we're talking about is, um, not great. Or let's just say, bad.)

The latest self-excuser is Brady Tkachuk, who helped lift the US men's team to Olympic gold against Canada last weekend, but who has been mired in the "Everything Trump Touches Dies" syndrome ever since. 

Asked how he could have laughed at Donald's dissing of the US's gold-medal women's team, Tkachuk babbled incoherently. "Honestly, it was just a whirlwind of a moment that (you) can’t really control what somebody says, and it’s just caught (me) off guard a little bit."

That's so, so lame. Especially since the White House just posted an AI video that had Tkachuk calling Canadians a very rude name, and in real life, Brady is captain of the — get ready — Ottawa Senators. (Tkachuk had to admit he's been on the receiving end of a lot of pushback from Sens fans. "It’s a funny feeling when you feel their support every day. And then, within two weeks, you’re public enemy No. 1," he said. Poor Brady! How simply frightful! How humiliating! How delightful!)

The funny thing about the men's players' hemming and hawing is not just that they must realize how Trump played them — and that they got fed McDonald's hamburgers at the White House while the women's team was treated by actor Stanley Tucci to a five-star dinner in Milan.

No, it's also because their frantic apologias closely resemble all the dudes who have been waffling about their ties to Jeffrey Epstein. There are no real apologies — just "regret" that they ever associated with him, and belated references to the suffering of the victims. (Reminds us of the US men's team awkwardly trying to express their respect and admiration for their female counterparts. Doesn't fly, guys.)

We're waiting to be shown men who are worthy of being called men. Who could they be? (Aside from Stanley Tucci, of course.) We cats are willing to entertain suggestions. In the meantime, we HISS.

Gee, Destroying Democracy Really Ages You

 

Chief Justice John Roberts is almost unrecognizable. Like the country will be when he and SCOTUS get done with it. We cats HISS.

Would You Have An Affair With This Man?

By Baxter

Ew, no.

Better yet, would you commit suicide over him? By setting yourself on fire? Good God.

Incredibly, this dude will probably be in the House tonight for Benedict Donald's SOTU. He is Tony Gonzales, Republican of Texas, and he's embroiled in a sex scandal unlike anything we've ever seen. Word has it that Tony first pressured his Congressional aide, Regina Santos-Aviles, for nude pictures via naughty texts, and then eventually coerced her into adultery. (They were both married. Gonzales has six kids.)

Santos-Aviles's husband found out, and trouble ensued. Gonzales ended the affair in June last year, after which Regina ended it all, using one of the most ghastly suicide methods available. Jeez, give us pills any time.

Things have not gone well for Tonykins lately. The affair has rocked his upcoming March 3 primary against a former Republican opponent who almost beat him in 2024. And four conservative House Republicans — Thomas Massie, Lauren Boebert, Anna Paulina Luna, and Nancy Mace — have publicly demanded he resign. (He refuses.) Meanwhile, über-Christian Preacher of the House Mike Johnson, eternally hypocritical as always and worried about his slim majority, refuses to take a position on the resignation. But never fear — Mikey will "discuss the allegations" with Gonzales. Whew, we feel better now!

We're happy to have Tony Gonzales hanging around Republicans' necks for as long as possible. More GOP tsouris in 2026! We cats PURR.

The Bronze Medalist Weighs In

Americans (MAGAts, incels, bots and trolls) have been throwing a lot of insults Canada's way after yesterday's hockey game. They'll never understand that the only thing worse than a sore loser is a sore winner. But here's Finland, come to save the day. We cats PURR.