Note To The RNC: Your Voters Are Dying

By Baxter

Whenever you hear right-wing Republicans complaining about the nanny state or railing against Democrats for promoting healthy eating or sensible gun regulation, think about this: "The mortality rate for white men and women ages 45-54 with less than a college education [has] increased markedly between 1999 and 2013."

We cats read that and thought, goodness gracious — that's the base of the Republican Party. And according to the National Academy of Sciences, they're dying at a rate only exceeded by "Russian men after the collapse of the Soviet Union." Wow!

What's killing them? Booze and drugs, chronic liver disease, diabetes, lung cancer and — hold onto your hats — suicides. The Academy revealed the data but provided no answers, except to speculate that maybe all these middle-aged white folks are going through midlife crises. Which strikes us as kinda lame.

That's because we think we know the answer. In addition to the opioid-slash-heroin epidemic, which Hillary Clinton has a plan to combat, we chalk all these white-people deaths up to teabaggery and its root cause — anger.

Sure, the "Don't Tread on Me" crowd doesn't want to be told to eat healthy, get their flu shots, stay away from the 20-ounce sugary drinks and exercise more. That's government interference! But in addition to all those other bad habits they have, they harbor a deep-seated fury that we cats see every time we check on our right-wing friends over at Free Republic. They are so mad! Mad that a good-looking African American guy is President, mad that gays are getting married, mad that Spanish-speaking people want to be Americans, mad that the Confederate flag's been taken down, and mad that the government is going to herd them into detention camps under Walmarts.

You know what all that anger does to you? It raises your blood pressure. It stresses all your systems. It can kill you.

So, if it's more important to the teabags to indulge their rage than to get to the voting booth next year, that's fine with us cats. (More votes for Hillary.) In the meantime, though, we certainly hope these unhealthy middle-aged white people aren't taking any government handouts — like Medicare and Medicaid. We cats HISS.