Important Safety Tip

Just a quick word of advice on this, the 16th anniversary of you-know-what: Please buckle up.

Cat Fight! Liz Cheney vs. Mary Cheney

By Sniffles

Does it get any better than this? Two daughters of The Worst Person Who's Ever Lived (If Indeed He Were A Person) are publicly fighting about marriage equality. Oooh!

We cats don't know if we can PURR any louder. Because what's most hilarious about this latest Republican squabble is that it's so unnecessary.

Here's why: Incumbent GOP Senator Mike Enzi is anti-gay-marriage. So if hapless Senate candidate Liz Cheney truly wanted to offer an alternative to Enzi's tired, old, establishment self, she could have easily come down on the side of "Freedom means freedom for everyone." Would the independent-minded voters of Wyoming really penalize her for that?

And who would have criticized Liz Cheney for siding with her family on this issue? Not just with her sister, but her father, a teabagger hero?

Nope, just like the Republican Party itself, the Cheney family is tearing itself apart for no reason. Which makes us cats roll over and stretch out for warm and fuzzy belly rubs. (See above.)

Liz Cheney Said What?

By Baxter

Coincidental with the announcement that Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be the first Supreme Court Justice to conduct a same-sex marriage, the Senate-candidate daughter of the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived (If Indeed He Were A Person) has rushed out with a completely gratuitous statement against marriage equality.

We cats wonder, why? Liz Cheney's sister Mary is married to her same-sex partner, and their father, the Worst Person, etc. (otherwise known as Dick Cheney), has already expressed his support for gay marriage. Plus, we don't see how being anti-gay buys you a ton of votes in Wyoming, since that famously independent state already has a lesbian Democrat serving in Cheyenne.

But, aha. The Cheney campaign alleges that a sinister push poll has cast Lizzie as pro-abortion and pro-homosexual-agenda. So she had to come out with this very strong statement in favor of "family values."

Wait — what? Liz Cheney is trailing the incumbent Republican Senator, Mike Enzi, by 28 points. Who in the world would fund a push poll against her? She's already toast.

We cats think that, like everything else connected with la famille Cheney, this push poll is a nefarious ruse. Stay tuned. In the meantime, we cats HISS.

GOP No-Shows

By Zamboni

Martin Luther King, Jr. is one of those rare leaders who transcends partisanship. However, as history makes clear, progress on civil rights would have been futile if it hadn't been for Democratic Presidents, Democratic legislators, Democratic candidates, and the Democratic Party. So is that why no Republicans spoke at today's celebration of the 50th anniversary of "I Have a Dream"?

The crowd heard from John Lewis, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama — but the nation's highest-ranking elected Republicans, John Boehner and Eric Cantor, were invited but declined. (Yes, that Eric Cantor, who said he was proud to re-cross the Edmund Pettus Bridge with Lewis a few months back. Incredible.)

We cats can only imagine that Boehner and Cantor were sure they were going to get booed.

As for the other living former Presidents who didn't show up today, we're willing to give George H.W. Bush a pass for health reasons. But The Worst Person Who's Ever Lived? No way.

Yes, yes, we know he had stent surgery three weeks ago.  We cats say, nuh-uh. Stent implantation is a minimally invasive procedure that patients recover from quickly. Most leave the hospital the next day, and are back at work within a week. No excuse.

Are we being hard on him? Maybe. But about 5,000 American soldiers and 100,000 Iraqis would want us to be — if they were alive to tell us.

Buyers Beware

By Miss Kubelik

Ken "I-Never-Met-a-Fetus-I-Didn't-Respect-More-Than-a-Grown-Woman" Cuccinelli, who is the manufactured (because he was nominated by a party convention, not in a primary) Republican candidate for Governor in the Commonwealth of Virginia, must have looked at his recent poll numbers with women and thrown up.

Why? Because Cootchy has rushed out with a desperate statement today. After having endorsed a "personhood amendment" and other extreme right-wing positions to restrict Virginians' reproductive rights, Cootch is now swearing up and down that oh, gosh, no — he would never dream of interfering with people's choice of birth control if he's elected Governor this fall.

To which we cats say, piffle. We have two words for anyone who's tempted to believe Cuccinelli's protest: PAT McCRORY.

Yep, the execrable Republican Governor of North Carolina, who has presided over his state's recent regression into the Stone Age, vowed during his campaign that he would take no action to restrict his constituents' access to abortion. And then, once elected, he promptly did.

So, Virginia women: Believe Ken Cuccinelli at your peril. We, meanwhile, will be working hard to elect Terry McAuliffe instead.

(IMAGE: A North Carolina "Moral Monday" protest. Is this in Richmond's future? Virginia voters will decide.)

Tidbits and Cat Treats: Party Of The Whackjobs Edition

By Sniffles

Unforeseen circumstances having been happily avoided, we cats are in Canada now. But we're keeping a sharp eye on developments south of the border (and we don't mean Mexico). Here are a few of them.

The Freepers must be going wild. Colin Powell has called the not-guilty George Zimmerman verdict "questionable." Well, of course he's right. But since this follows on the heels of his fresh criticism of Republican efforts to restrict voting rights, we cats simply wonder: Colin, what are you still doing in that party?

Meanwhile, the Republicans continue to tear themselves apart. In Iowa, the co-chair of Polk County GOP recently resigned, saying he no longer can stay in a party that loves guns and hates people. And in Virginia, a longtime Republican activist has just endorsed Democrat Terry McAuliffe for Governor over Ken "The-Government-Belongs-In-Your-Bedroom-and-Vagina" Cuccinelli. Will anyone connect these two events?

For further evidence of the damage that Republicans are doing to their own brand, look no further than Ohio. A new PPP poll there has handed John Boehner a stunning 59-percent "unfavorable" rating. In his own state, and as a sitting Speaker of the House! We cats are amazed — and yet, not amazed. (Even milque-toasty Senator Rob Portman is underwater, at 29-39. Democratic Senator Sherrod Brown, on the other hand, is in positive territory at 46-36. And Hillary beats everybody for President. Hooray!)

Finally, while thousands have turned out to mark the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech, Bobby Jindal says it's time to stop talking about race. Sure, Bobby — as soon as your party stops blocking minorities from voting.

Heading To Ted Cruz's Home And Native Land

By Baxter

Yes — barring unforeseen circumstances, we cats are planning to hit the road again for an end-of-summer trip to the True North. But until we do, a few news items from here in Virginia are keeping our furry little heads spinning.

In the Governor's race, a new Quinnipiac poll shows Terry McAuliffe ahead of Ken "I Never Met a Fetus I Didn't Like" Cuccinelli by six points.

We cats find this very interesting. Not just because we like a six-point lead, but also because Quinnipiac polls this year have tended to favor Republicans. Which makes us wonder whether their off-year-election turnout model is still accurate, given: 1) the strength of the Democratic vote last year, 2) the continuing aging of the Republican base, 3) the GOP's inability to expand that base and 4) the fact that new voters are registering Democratic by wide margins.

In short, we're wondering how much farther ahead Terry really is.

We also think that if the Cootchy Camp had a favorable internal poll, they would have leaked it to counter the Quinnipiac poll. So far, crickets.

And, last but not least, the Cootch is laboring under a heavy 44-percent unfavorable rating. This is what happens when — instead of laying out your vision for the state — you spend all your time defending yourself on rape by ultrasound, gas royalties in Southwest Virginia, missile launchers in airports, your obsession with sodomy, and all those gifts you received from Transvaginal Bob's good friend Jonnie Williams.

Not a bad state of affairs for 80 days out. We cats PURR.

Dear Canada, Can You Take Him Anyway?

By Zamboni

When we cats feel up to spending some more time in their dark, twisted world, we will visit the right-wing maniacs over at Free Republic and see how they feel about Ted Cruz being a Canadian.

To a lot of us, of course, this is old news. We knew that the 21st-century version of Joe McCarthy hailed from Alberta. But what we're interested in is whether the Freeps see any problem with Cruz calling himself an American because his mom was and is a US citizen.

Because if they don't, then they'd have to admit that even if Barack Obama had been born in Kenya to Kansas native Ann Dunham, he'd be American, too.

Well, the Obama stuff is irrelevant, since every rational person on the planet knows he was born in Hawaii. But maybe the Freepers' heads are exploding anyway, which is kind of fun to think about.

There's still something that kind of bugs us, though: this affectation of Cruz's, alleging that he just found out about his dual citizenship. Who's buying that?

Does he really think we'd believe that after earning a JD from Harvard, running Morgan, Lewis & Bockius's Supreme Court litigation practice, and serving as a Deputy Attorney General and Solicitor General of Texas, he wouldn't know such a simple point of law? We cats HISS.

Harper Passes On Pride Parade

By Miss Kubelik

We cats clearly mis-scheduled our upcoming vacation in Montreal by a week. Because yesterday marked the 2013 Gay Pride Parade, and from the look of things, a good time was definitely had.

Since Canada legalized marriage equality a full eight years ago, the True North obviously is way ahead of the US in its support of the LGBT community. So it's not unusual to see federal party leaders, like the Liberals' Justin Trudeau (above), turn out for pride events.

But here's something interesting: All the major parties — even including the Parti Quebecois and Premier Pauline Maurois — marched in Montreal this year. Except one. Stephen Harper's Conservatives were nowhere to be seen.

Bad idea, Tories. Not just because it makes you look narrow and intolerant on social issues. But because it gives people the impression that you couldn't care less about the province of Quebec. We cats HISS.

Give Us The Skinny On Christie's Weight

By Sniffles

We cats are beginning to wonder if Chris Christie's weight-loss surgery is one big nefarious ruse.

Here is Christie in Boston a few days ago for his speech to the Republican National Committee. Is this a man who allegedly had a lap-band procedure last winter? He looks the same to us.

Never mind that of the three available surgeries — banding, the "sleeve" and gastric bypass — Christie's procedure is the least successful. That's pretty much all relative; lap-band's outcomes are positive enough that, in Christie's case, we expect to see some results. Mostly because appearance is all we have to go on.

In fact, the silence is deafening. We've seen no regular updates from Christie's office, even while he's in the midst of a re-election campaign and even while he very publicly flirts with running for President in 2016. We've seen no journalists hounding him for answers. "How's it going, Governor?" "How are you adjusting?" and, most important, "How much weight have you lost?"

We cats can't imagine why this is so — unless reporters have suddenly become sensitive about being yelled at, which Christie undoubtedly would do. So we're left with the unthinkable: That the press is simply going to allow him to skate by on the question of his weight while they indulge his fantasies of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Incredible.

We do not live in New Jersey, but we do live in the United States. And if Christie wants to be our President and has subjected himself to a major, life-altering bariatric procedure that has a huge, overarching effect on his lifespan and health — well, we want details. Regular updates from his physicians, the results of his weekly weigh-ins, his exercise routine, his diet. Everything.

If Barack Obama had to release his long-form birth certificate to bitch-slap the birthers, it's not too much to ask for information on a real issue, like the state of a candidate's health. After all, what if Sarah Palin gets nominated for Vice President again? We cats HISS.

The Debate Debate

By Baxter

By unanimously voting to stage a hissy fit and reduce the media venues in which their silly 2016 debates will be held, the 168 blockheads who comprise the Republican National Committee have once again managed to shoot themselves in the paw.

The RNC is hissing mad that CNN and NBC are planning biopics of Hillary Clinton, who terrifies them. But to maintain the illusion that they're not a bunch of 'fraidy cats, the GOP committeepeople are cloaking their vote in the guise of "getting control of the primary debate process."

See, 20 debates — at which many if not most of the 2012 candidates made utter fools of themselves — was a bad, bad thing. Not because the contenders looked like the idiots they were. But because that's just too many darn debates.

We cats would like to poke a pin in this particular Republican balloon, since the vaunted political pundits haven't yet done it themselves.

The RNC seems to think that cutting out NBC and CNN will result in "friendlier moderators" and "gentler questions." Ahem. The questions are not the problem, folks. The answers are!

And fewer debates means there's no "next time" for the thousands of GOP candidates who are sure to throw their hats in the 2016 ring. Which means more pressure on also-rans to say something radical and attention-getting to score a much-needed win. Something like.... oh, let's see... let a sick or injured American without health insurance die on his hospital gurney?

But you know the first rule of politics: Never interfere with your opponent when he's destroying himself. So, we cats wouldn't dream of it. In fact, watching the RNC walking around with blinders on makes us PURR.

(IMAGE: The 2012 GOP clown college. Doesn't it look like Jon Huntsman's rolling his eyes?)

An Educated Consumer Is Obamacare's Best Customer

By Zamboni

Now that we cats have gotten over our latest grammar-related hissy fit, let us take a moment to cheer the fact that despite the White House's incompetence on communicating the benefits of the Affordable Care Act, some Americans are nevertheless informed.

Was it just a few days ago that we were boinking Team Obama for being so clumsy about touting the ACA? Well, either somebody was listening, or Organizing for Action has been turning out a bunch of town hall attendees this month. Down in Florida, they put an idiot Republican Congressman on the spot.

Daniel Webster (and yes, if the 19th-century statesman Daniel Webster were alive today, he'd be spinning in his grave) has voted repeatedly to repeal Obamacare, and his constituents let him have it.

"What happens to us when Obamacare is repealed?" one person asked. "What happens to people with pre-existing conditions who can't get healthcare? What happens to those of us who finally have access to health insurance for the first time in nine or 10 years?"

What happens, indeed? Webster babbled a right-wing canard about how the Administration was allegedly putting the brakes on some provisions, prompting one attendee to shout, "Tell him to stop lying!"

We cats love this. We have never understood why Republicans think it's okay to deny healthcare to 45 million Americans. Unless it's because they think they can keep those people from voting. Hm.

You Fought For Our Country, And You're Gay, And We Love You, But You Still Need To Know The Difference Between "Lie" and "Lay"

By Miss Kubelik

We cats are in complete sympathy with this Marine except for one thing: Good God, is it too much to ask that people use the verb "to lie" correctly?

Apparently, it is. We cats could count on one paw the instances in which we've heard heroes like this guy, cable TV talking heads, healthcare workers and ordinary Americans employ "lie/lay" without error.

But if Eric Alva were to deliver his message in the true spirit of English grammar, he would have said: "Like the day I lay bleeding on the sands of Iraq."

The rule is simple. If you're talking about a person, he lies. So in the present tense, a person says, "I lie on the sands of Iraq." But if it's past tense, he says, "I lay on the sands of Iraq." But if he's talking about his recent past, he would say, "I have lain on the sands of Iraq."

But if you're talking about an object, it's different. "I will lay this book down on the sands of Iraq." "He laid the book down on the sands of Iraq."

To our ears, it's so easy. But then, we cats are supposed to have very good hearing.

Let The Sun Shine, Let The Sun Shine In, The Sun Shine In

By Sniffles

Eat your hearts out, climate-change deniers and right-wing haters: Jimmy Carter's White House solar panels are back!

We cats are so excited about this. Never mind that the Obama Administration pledged three years ago to reinstall the solar panels that Ronald Effing Reagan tore out 30+ years ago. It doesn't matter. Reagan scrapping Carter's energy-saving addition to the White House is one of our bitterest memories from 1981, and we couldn't be happier that they have returned. Screw you, Ronnie!

Okay, we cats have gotten a grip on ourselves.

Forgive us for the uncharacteristic display of emotion, but we are just so sick of the GOP's campaign to make Reagan a saint — when in reality, he was one of the most destructive Presidents that the country has ever had. So to restore a Carter legacy and give the Reagan fools a kick in the backside at the same time is very, very satisfying to us.

We hope that wherever they are today — and knowing their schedule, that could be anywhere on the planet — Jimmy and Rosalynn are celebrating. We cats PURR.

Lest We Furr-get: Newt Gingrich, Role Model

By Baxter

Newt Gingrich lectured the Republican National Committee yesterday on the follies of being only against the Democrats and never for anything.

“We are caught up right now in a culture — and you see it every single day — where as long as we are negative and as long as we are vicious and as long as we can tear down our opponent, we don’t have to learn anything," he said, calling the phenomenon "a very deep problem."

Good advice for someone who is actually interested in the future of the GOP, right? Yet consider who was dispensing it.

You readers may still be kittens, but we cats well remember the days when Newt Gingrich, bomb thrower, became Speaker of the House and promptly tried to destroy everything Franklin D. Roosevelt and Lyndon Johnson worked for.

The only things that stopped him were his own tantrums and his party's overreaching. Congressional Republicans impeached President Clinton for actions they themselves were guilty of (hello, Bob Livingston, Henry Hyde and, yes, Newt Gingrich). Gingrich himself threw a fit when he didn't get the best seat on Air Force One. And of course there was that government shut-down disaster — for them, not for Clinton. (Funny how they're flirting with that idea again today.)

In other words, in the last 15 to 20 years the Republicans have learned exactly nothing. And have gotten even worse. So bad are they, in fact, that the former House Speaker who started the whole "culture" of being "negative" and "vicious" is now some sort of eminence grise.

We cats are always amazed that Newtie never seems to get called on his unctuousness. We can understand the 168 glassy-eyed RNC chairs not seeing the hypocrisy, but — journalists? Many of you were around in the '90s. Where are you now? We cats HISS.

Virginia: Hanging In The Balance

By Zamboni

Okay, so packs are for dogs — but sometimes we get the distinct feeling that we're Top Cats, leading the way when it comes to pointing out political stuff.

Because no sooner were we honored with a guest spot on The Rude Pundit — in which we warned the Virginia business community that Republican social policies would doom their recruitment efforts — than the soon-to-be-ex leader of the College of William and Mary's Board of Visitors said practically the same thing.

"We already have lost valued gay and lesbian faculty to our competitors who do not discriminate," Jeff Trammel stated. "With changes in federal benefits soon available to legally married gay couples, we will lose more."

In short, with Maryland and the District of Columbia enacting progressive LGBT employment and marriage policies, why should educators seek careers in Virginia? We cats say, why, indeed.

The Virginia political landscape is a little scary right now. We just voted for Barack Obama for the second time, but thanks to a lot of Inside-Baseball maneuvering, the Old Dominion's GOP has nominated the most Neanderthal, right-wing, religious-zealot slate of 2013 statewide candidates you could ever imagine. The thought of those maniacs getting elected and driving even more clear-thinking Americans away from the Commonwealth is truly frightening.

But maybe there's a sliver of hope. Traveling around Manassas recently, we cats noticed that a heretofore devoted contingent of anti-choice demonstrators had vanished from Sudley Road — a spot they've staked out as long as we can remember. We presume that there's a women's clinic somewhere in the medical buildings just behind their favorite spot. Oh, no, we thought — were they gone because Ken Cuccinelli had succeeded in closing the clinic? We were biting our cat claws to the bone, wondering.

Well, never fear, gentle readers: This morning, we cats had business in that neighborhood. And they were back.

They're always pathetic. They're almost always men. So, they're ridiculous. But in a strange twist, we were glad to see them. Because as long as they're out there waving their signs, Cootchy hasn't won — yet. Which means the Commonwealth is safe — for now.

No Comprendo

By Miss Kubelik

Not that we need any more proof that the GOP is a bunch of clowns, but here's some anyway.

We cats are actually less disturbed by this execrable performance at the Missouri State Fair than we are by other political developments these days. One, it's a state fair — an entertainment venue which we have to confess we rarely if ever visit. (Sorry, Rodgers & Hammerstein.) Two, we suspect that the President himself would pay scant attention to the loser pictured above — but if he's been banned from future Missouri fairs, which apparently he has, we think that's swell. God bless the free market at work!

Nope, we cats are more disturbed about the ostensible Republican "leaders" who show up on the Sunday talk shows and spout racist crap. We're thinking specifically of Congressman Steve King of Iowa, who has been burning up the airwaves lately, hating on Hispanics. On "Meet The Press" this past weekend, King repeated his allegations that DREAMers are drug smugglers — and managed to insult professional Republican Ana Navarro at the same time.

"I spoke only of drug smugglers," King said. "If Ana understands the language, she should know that." (Emphasis ours — mostly because we still haven't gotten around to picking our jaws up off the floor.)

But our follow-up question is not for King but for Navarro — who, although she pushed back at King pretty aggressively, is a mystery to us.

Aside from pure, naked greed, Ana — renting yourself out as a token Hispanic Republican talking head — what are you doing in that party? We cats HISS.

Rx For GOP Extinction

By Sniffles

We cats are firmly convinced that even if the White House had communicated effectively about the benefits of the Affordable Care Act, the Republicans would still be acting like idiots and trying to repeal it a hundred million times.

But we do fault the Obama Administration for not making people realize just what the ACA has already done to help ordinary Americans — and what it's about to do. Therefore (sigh), we'll do the White House's work for them and give you this quick Obamacare snapshot.

Here are just some of the things the Affordable Care Act has done:

• Expanded wellness and preventive care coverage under Medicare.
• Given discounts on Part D drugs in the coverage gap. (It'll close the gap completely in 2020).
• Kept insurance companies from denying coverage if you're sick or have a pre-existing condition.
• Allowed your kids to stay on your health insurance until age 26.
• Set up insurance exchanges — starting this October 1 — which will offer health insurance at competitive premiums for those without coverage.
• Expanded Medicaid — at least, in states without hard-hearted Republican governors.
• Banned insurance companies from imposing annual dollar caps on coverage.
• Expanded coverage for home- and community-based healthcare services.

So have at it, Republicans: If you're scared enough that the teabaggers will primary you in 2014 with somebody to the right of Attila the Hun, go ahead and vote for the 100th time to repeal all this stuff. Or force a government showdown over it. That'll be even better!

But by this time next year, with more benefits hitting home, many more folks will know just how Obamacare is helping them. And then, it'll be the way of the Whigs for you. We cats PURR.

And In The Meantime, Happy Richard Nixon Resignation Day!

We cats will be spending the weekend with friends and with Edward Hopper, in whose lap we gladly would have sat if he hadn't died in 1967. But we're sure that we'll have no shortage of topics to PURR and HISS about when we return.

Russia's Thin Ice

By Baxter

When we cats posted about the 2014 Russian Olympics last night, we had no idea that a petition has been started to move the games from Vlad-Pootie's-Hate-On-The-Gays-World to Vancouver, the winter host from 2010. We think that's a fabulous idea.

In fact, we thought it was so fabulous that we just tried to visit Change.org and add our names. We're excited to report that we could not log on. The site was either busy, or crashed. Stay tuned on that.

We cats love this Vancouver solution for a bunch o' reasons. First, it would economically, socially and politically benefit a country we're quite fond of. Second, it would make that country's Prime Minister — whom we're not so fond of — uncomfortable. Third, since we have terrible memories of Olympic teams who were not safe in their villages, it seems to be the best way to guarantee our athletes' security. And fourth, it shoves a stick in Pootie's eye. We are sick of him on many fronts, but this one is probably the most offensive to us.

We're also struck by how fast the world is changing vis-a-vis The Gay. The right-wing nutbags who comment over at Free Republic are tearing their hair out over this, but we can't help but notice how the LGBT community is almost single-handedly making the world a better place — one incremental victory at a time.

Whether it's a Supreme Court decision striking down DOMA, or suing red states for equal rights, or the UK enacting marriage equality, or helping to turn the world against Vlad the Poot, this LGBT crowd has become one powerful community. Which makes us cats PURR.

(IMAGE: Brian Boitano. Do we need to explain?)

Cold War Games

By Zamboni

Have we cats mentioned that we hate the Olympics? We think we have. We hated them last summer when we wrote this, and we still hate them today. So we won't be glued to the TV next February, when the spectacle that is equal parts tragedy (1936, 1972) and farce (1994, etc.) starts up again in Vladimir Putin's Russia.

But here's where it really gets interesting: Vlad may have just screwed the pooch on his precious Sochi games — not by granting Snowden asylum, or sending arms to Syria, or any of the other execrable things he's done lately. But by hating on gay people. (Of course, he justifies his new law — which has led to beatings, rapes and killings of LGBT Russians — in terms of "family values." Gee, who does that remind us of?)

We have news for you, Pootie: It's a long time before the Opening Ceremonies, and the pressure is just starting to build — Stephen Fry's eloquent open letter to Prime Minister David Cameron and the IOC being the latest example. Already we've seen discussions in the press and online about how American athletes should respond, or if they should respond. Stuff, in short, is happening.

We cats were around when President Jimmy Carter pulled the US out of the 1980 Olympics over the Russian invasion of Afghanistan. As we recall, Carter took a ton of heat for that — well, heck, he took a ton of heat for everything, didn't he? — so we're torn about what the right decision about Sochi would be. Do we stay home, or go to Russia and wave rainbow flags? We're thinking about it.

For now, we cats hope that not just Americans, but athletes from all participating countries who care about human rights and dignity, lean on the IOC to stop being a bunch of (excuse the expression) pussies and express some outrage. It won't make up for Berlin, or Munich, or any of the other Olympic idiocies of yore. But it would be a start.

Rancid's Resentment

By Miss Kubelik

Is Rancid Pieface serious? The Republican Party has an entire cable network devoted to advancing its ruinous policies and beliefs, but its chairman has suddenly decided to get all whiney about the alleged liberal media?

We cats have lately been trying to flick Pieface away with our tails like an annoying fly, but he keeps popping up, complaining to anyone who will listen about an upcoming Hillary Clinton biopic and more. Last night it was Sean Hannity (ref. first graf, second sentence, above) who heard the moans. CNN and NBC, Rancid ranted, are "not in the business of doing anything but promoting the Democratic Party."

Well, at least he said Democratic, not "Democrat." But for hypocrisy above and beyond what even we could have imagined, we cats HISS at Rancid Pieface and dump our dirty litter boxes over his head.

(IMAGE: Look! A 2012 GOP debate on... MSNBC!)

Lest We Furr-get: Torch Song For Newt

Since ol' what's-his-face decided to, um, weigh in on the recent deadly squabbling in the Republican Party, we cats thought we'd take a walk down Memory Lane. Enjoy Howard Crabtree's classic salute to the guy who holds Callista's purse outside the ladies' fitting room.

No Sense, No Sensibility

By Sniffles

Goodness gracious. Now we cats know why we've never been tempted to tweet — even though we love little birds.

In a repulsive story out of Britain, a feminist blogger and a female Labour MP have been deluged with death and rape threats on Twitter, all because they — brace yourselves — got the Bank of England to agree to put Jane Austen on a 10-pound note.

We don't get it. Oh, not the part about men being immature cretins, hiding their little dicks behind the anonymity of cyberspace and feeling big and powerful by tweeting not only rude but criminal things. That's a given. But — Jane Austen? What's up with that?

Who are these guys? Did their girlfriends force them to watch all six hours of the Pride and Prejudice miniseries? Were they dragged to the (superior, we think) theatrical film 10 years later? Were they humiliated in English class by an Austen-loving teacher? It's a mystery.

Whatever the answer, we cats are disgusted. And to paraphrase Elizabeth Bennet, we have no pretensions whatever to that kind of elegance which consists in tormenting respectable women.

"We Are Not Crooks"

By Baxter

With the 39th (wow!) anniversary of Richard Nixon's resignation just around the corner, we cats can't help noticing how many Republican scandals are still out there.

Take Michele Bachmann: The House Ethics Committee recently announced it's broadening its investigation into her financial shenanigans. Of course, she swears that her decision not to run again has nothing to do with any of this. Um-hmmm.

Then there's Tony Bennett (not our fave singer, thank goodness), who just indignantly resigned as Florida Education Commissioner because — gosh, surprise! He changed a grade on a failing school run by a donor! We cats remind the world that this huffy hooligan is a Jeb! Bush acolyte. Had Bush run for President in 2012, you bet you would have seen Tony Bennett crisscrossing the country, loudly touting Jeb!'s education "vision." Instead, he's just proven that — like everything else connected with the Bushes — the "vision" is nothing but window dressing and fraud.

And of course there's the current GOP granddaddy of all things inappropriate, "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell, Governor (for now) of Virginia. Turns out that the petulantly spelled businessman "Johnnie" Williams is squealing to federal prosecutors — so afraid he'll be thrown into the hoosegow that he, in turn, is throwing Bobby under the bus.

We cats are amazed at how this story just keeps getting worse and worse for a guy who nearly made it onto the Republican ticket last year, in part because he is so, so offended by women exercising their Constitutional rights. Yet he's the same guy who claims he didn't know that Williams was gifting his wife and daughters so lavishly.

Wait — what? Mr. Family Values, Mr. I-Must-Control-Women-At-All-Times, says he's in the dark about a guy giving designer clothes and thousands of dollars to Maureen and the girls?

We cats don't buy it. And we wouldn't let Johnnie Williams buy it for us, either.

Ken Cuccinelli Hates This Family

“Virginia is home for us. Our families are here, our jobs are here, and our community is a great support for us, but it makes us sad that we cannot get married where we live.”

—Joanne Harris, Virginia native and filer of a federal lawsuit against Virginia's marriage-equality ban

Still Nothing To Cheer About

By Zamboni

Goodness gracious. We cats are simply inundated with news stories that make us think that the Republican Party is not long for this world. In fact, if we didn't think it sounded so brash, we'd say the GOP is tearing itself apart.

Take the cat fight between Chris Christie and Rand Paul that has us all agog. We can hardly believe it, but 10 years after cloaking themselves in 9/11 and brooking no dissent, the party's two "newest stars" are slamming each other on national security like there's no tomorrow.

We would like to remind the Republicans who are watching from the sidelines and wringing their hands to look in the mirror if they're seeking someone to blame. It was the GOP, after all, that invited Ron Paul and his libertarian nuts back into the party, ya know.

Then there's RNC chair Rancid Pieface, getting lectured by the whippersnappers in the Young Republican National Federation on the fact that the party has to do something to survive its coming Demographic Doomsday. Pieface replies that he has a "50-state strategy" that will somehow turn all this around.

But here's the problem: The GOP is still the party that believes in taking away: 1) voting rights, 2) health coverage, 3) access to low-cost quality healthcare, 4) birth control, 5) abortion rights, 6) science in schools, 7) environmental protections, 8) labor rights, 9) unemployment insurance, 10) food stamps.... shall we go on? Until those policy positions are changed, we don't see how Rancid fixes this.

And last but not least, there's the Republicans' woeful digital disadvantage. They're so excited to be getting help from a guy who used to work for the FaceThing, but just read the latest excerpt from Dan Balz's 2012 post-mortem if you want overwhelming proof of how far behind they are. Couple this with the fact that the Romneybots thought they were going to win last year because, get this: Their end-of-the-campaign crowds were big! And everybody felt emotional! Like they were really going to do it!

We cats have no idea why Silly Willy has this reputation as a canny businessman. Anybody who writes an acceptance speech based on crowd size instead of a good organization and hard data should check out file footage of George McGovern's rallies from 1972. We cats PURR.