Pipe Dream

By Baxter

In a letter they released yesterday, nearly 200 corporate CEOs called for Benedict Donald to, um, paint or get off the ladder. "Every day that an orderly Presidential transition process is delayed, our democracy grows weaker in the eyes of our own citizens and the nation’s stature on the global stage is diminished," the letter said. Soon after, the walking, talking Thanksgiving Day parade balloon known as Emily Murphy grudgingly released GSA funds and granted government informational access to the Biden team.

It's a welcome development — although a little depressing that it took the business world to shake the Trumpsters loose, not the votes of 80+ million Americans or a conviction that the well-being of the country was at stake. But it was also a handy reminder that an idea that's been floated for Benedict Donald's post-White-House life — making highly paid speeches at corporate events — is a ridiculous notion.

Had Benedict Donald not behaved like a democracy-destroying spoiled toddler in the last few weeks, there was maybe an outside chance that some company would book him, despite his previous perfidy and corruption. But now he's even more radioactive, which means:

1. What company is going to want to deal with the inevitable backlash? Think boycotts of their products, and protests from their communities and maybe even their own employees. Their sales, marketing and branding teams will be shaking in their boots at the prospect.

2. Donald Trump doesn't make speeches. He rambles through stream-of-consciousness nonsense with no syntax, tosses around accusations and assertions without evidence, and can't stand at the lectern for five minutes without insulting somebody. Who wants that for the keynote at their annual meeting?

3. By the time any such opportunities roll around, if they do, who knows what physical, mental or legal shape Trump will be in? He could be debilitated by a post-COVID episode — and/or have Tish James or Cy Vance hauling him off to the courtroom or, it is devoutly to be hoped, the hoosegow.

4. Even if he were not sick with something or under indictment, Trump will no longer have access to Air Force One. So he'd have to take his stupid purple plane out of mothballs and fly less conveniently from, we guess, West Palm Beach. He also famously does not like to travel to places that are too far away to let him sleep at night in his own bed. Would he only accept bookings in red states in the Eastern time zone, then? It's hard to picture him putting up with it all.

So scratch the corporate-speaking fantasy. Maybe he'll write that "score-settling" book that people keep talking about instead — except that he doesn't read, can't write, and may have a hard time finding another Tony Schwartz to pen something bearable. We cats HISS and PURR at the same time.

(IMAGE: Larry, Chief Mouser at No. 10 Downing Street. We hear he gives a great speech.)