Last Post of 2011

We cats must adjourn now to ring in 2012. But the Iowa caucuses are on Tuesday, so we promise some trenchant clown college predictions before the holiday weekend is out.

In the meantime, stay safe, and Happy New Year!

The Books of Romney

By Baxter

So one of Willard Mitt Romney's draft-dodging sons, faced with the question about whether his father should make his tax returns public, made the mistake of joking in turn that President Obama should release his birth certificate.

We cats have news for this little jerk: The President released his long-form birth certificate earlier this year — days, in fact, before he killed Osama bin Laden.

The President's citizenship thus established, we have one question for the Romney clan: Do you not want the Mormon Church to know how much Mitt is really worth? Because the last we checked, you were supposed to tithe 10 percent of your income to them.

Just wondering.

Jack, We Hardly Knew Ye

By Miss Kubelik

Many notable people died this year, but none touched us cats as much as the death of Jack Layton, head of Canada's social democratic party. He led the NDP to official opposition status right before cancer claimed him at the early age of 61 — an incredible achievement.

We're certain his electoral victory was due not just to the cane he carried but to the smile he constantly beamed. It's as if he knew the legacy he'd leave would benefit generations to come.

Progressive people of all the countries of the world can take inspiration from the life and legacy of Jack Layton.

More Clowns in the College?

By Sniffles

Well, you knew this had to happen. After viewing the anti-Romney vitriol today at Free Republic — they even mentioned his driving to Canada with the family dog on the roof of the car — we cats were certain that, five days out from the Iowa caucuses, the pundit class's near-universal anointing of Willard as the inevitable Republican nominee would cause some serious rumblings.

Or more specifically, an "earthquake." Now, back in August we cats experienced an earthquake here in Virginia, and we don't recommend it to anybody. But our concern for the good people of the Hawkeye State is tempered by the fact that we can't be sure where on the Richter scale this baby will land.

Ahhhh, the famous quitter from Alaska. It was nice not thinking or writing about her for awhile. But we suppose that having her and"Herb" Cain go away at the same time was just too much to ask. Ergo, this shadowy group has started an ad campaign to urge Republican caucusgoers to do, um, you-know-what.

Our first thought was, oh, goody — more chaos. Then we wondered if a Palin insurrection would just end up helping Romney. But it's probably safe to say that if the famous quitter's "earthquake" registers more than expected, it'll probably hurt Bachmann the most.

"Oh, what a circus, oh what a show"!

The First Freeper, Fretting

By Zamboni

Okay, we admit it: When we cats get lazy (or when we have a work deadline looming, like today), we beam into our nutty right-wing friends over at Free Republic for some quick n' easy amusement.

But this morning we actually were wondering: How are they handling Willard Mitt Romney's supposed surge in Iowa? (We say "supposed," because caucuses are notoriously hard to predict and as we all know, it ain't over until Virginia Foxx sings.)

The answers range from defiance to desperation. "Between this and the new Gallup Poll we are screwed," laments one. "I pray for our nation."

But the most virulent expressions of dismay come from Jim Robinson, the Romney-hating creator of the site. Of course, what else can you expect from a guy whose signature bears the following parenthetical phrase: "Rebellion is brewing!! Impeach the corrupt Marxist bastard!!"? This is a man who likes his exclamation points.

To that end, we'll entertain you with some of the choicer Robinson spews. Back later with more Freeper madness.

"A pro-abortion Reagan denier, Romney crossed the aisle to promote abortion, gay rights, gun-control, liberal judges and advocated for and actually installed a socialist healthcare system (RomneyCare) which became the model and impetus for ObamaCare... Oh, yeah, he saved the Olympics (but kicked the Boy Scouts out due to their clean and wholesome policies, i.e., no homosexual scout masters)."

"Massachusetts shares a border with a hostile communist state. Wait a minute. Massachusetts is a hostile communist state, thanks to Governor Romney and RomneyCare."

"NO ROMNEY, NO WAY!! NOT ON MY WATCH!! NOT ON FR!!"

"If Romney is the best the Republican party has to offer, then I’m no longer a Republican. Romney will not be promoted on FR! Not on my watch!!"

"It says right at the top of [my] page: 'Welcome to Free Republic, America’s exclusive site for God, Family, Country, Life & Liberty conservatives!' Romney doesn’t fit the bill."

Oops.

By Baxter

All these new polls from Iowa and New Hampshire, and everybody is talking about Willard Mitt Romney (looking good), Newt Gingrich (looking bad), Ron Paul (ugh), and Rick "Don't Google My Name" Santorum (looking very good). Ha! We cats told you there'd be a place in the sun for Ricky S. someday.

But in spite of all this, we'd just like to take a moment to discuss the most hapless gun in the West, Rick Perry.

Yes, we know the timing might be a little weird, since the longtime Governor of Texas has kinda faded into the wallpaper of late. But he's also just caught our attention on a couple of things — and we don't want them to fall into the dustbin of campaign history without commenting.

The first is his new stance on abortion. The guy is so desperate to appeal to the Christian Taliban in Iowa that now he says all procedures should be prohibited, even in cases of rape, incest or danger to the woman's life. We cats are always unimpressed when men pontificate on the issue of choice. But we're doubly so when somebody with the equipment to rape tries to tell victims what they can and cannot do.

The second is the much less emotional but still critical issue of money. The pundits are weighing in on whether a poor showing in Iowa will doom Perry since he has "little cash left." Ya know, we pretty much remember how after they raised $17 million despite a late entry into the race, the Perry camp bragged about their prudent budgeting and how they'd be flush enough to compete in all the early states. Hm.

Another tall Texas tale, we guess. We cats HISS.

Holiday Wishes from Frosty-Ville

We cats like this — not just because it's from the University of Minnesota, but because it reminds us that the influence of the Broadway musical is never too far away.

2012 Stuff To Do

By Miss Kubelik

Some people make a New Year's resolution to stop procrastinating. As superior beings, we cats will make those folks feel even more inadequate by trotting out our 2012 resolutions now. Why wait till Saturday? Here goes:

Volunteer for the Obama/Kaine/Connolly campaigns in Virginia. Yes, we hate going door to door and calling people up and all that, but we know what must be done. (In short, the kind of campaign fundamentals that Newt Gingrich didn't do.)

Write to John F. Harris and Jim VandeHei at POLITICO and tell them they must give all staff a special seminar on the correct use of "lie" and "lay." Mandatory attendance; no exceptions; pop quiz two days later. All who fail will get fired.

Take Andrew Sullivan with a larger grain of salt.

Make a clown college prediction for the Iowa caucuses. (Check us out next weekend.)

Give money to Elizabeth Warren for U.S. Senate in Massachusetts; Tammy Duckworth for Congress in Illinois' 8th District; and the Wisconsin Democratic Party for the Scott Walker Recall. (And probably more, but that's our list right now.)

Sit in more baskets of hot laundry.

Give up catnip. (Just kidding on that last one.)

No Salute for L'Armee du Salut

By Sniffles

We cats passed by a Salvation Army bell ringer the other day. We mean that literally: We passed him by. Although we had plenty of change jingling in our pockets — you didn't know cats had pockets, did you? — none of it ended up in the Army's red kettle.

Nope, no spare change for them! In fact, we haven't forked over any quarters since we first became aware of the Army's hostility to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people. So it was good to see our opinion reconfirmed by an article in The New York Times today.

Of course, this wasn't the first time our belief had been, um, buttressed. A couple of months ago we dropped off a clothing donation to a church in Montreal. When we mentioned that we had chosen them over the Salvation Army, they said, "Oh, please always donate to us. We give absolutely everything away. The Armee du Salut charges money."

Hm, we thought. Must be how the Army affords those fabulous commercials they run.

(Merry Christmas, everyone.)

Butthead

By Zamboni

So this idiot from Wisconsin, James Sensenbrenner, has had to send Michelle Obama a letter of apology. You know why.

Do we really have to point out that the First Lady's anti-obesity campaign is about raising fit children and keeping the whole country's healthcare costs from going through the roof — and not about having perfect bodies?

And do we also need to point out that this Sensenbrenner fool is hardly Mr. Svelte himself?

We could do both those things, but it wouldn't be in the holiday spirit, would it? It would be petty, and mean — and oh so Republican.

Surrender, Dorothy

Is John Boehner the worst Speaker of the House ever? We cats think yes.

Republicans: Very Naughty

By Baxter

Hoo, boy. If we cats had an "R" after our names — which is of course impossible — we wouldn't expect to see any presents under the tree this Christmas. Here are a few reasons why.

First, it looks like the teabaggers in the House, and their hapless alleged Speaker, have cried "uncle" and decided not to tax 160 million Americans come January 1. Ah, we love headlines like this: "GOP caves to Obama." We cats PURR. But we feel sorry for your Hill staffers who now have to scramble to get plane reservations home for Christmas.

Ron Paul has been revealed as the racist he's always been. Gosh. Are we so surprised that his son basically said he wouldn't enforce the 1964 Civil Rights Act?

On the "Lest We Furr-get" front, let us not let Willard Mitt Romney get away with rewriting history on the invasion of Iraq and Saddam Hussein's nonexistent weapons of mass destruction. "Had [the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived] known that [there were no WMD], the U.N. would not have put forth resolutions authorizing this type of action,," Romney said, "[and] the President would not have been pursuing that course." Liar, liar, magic Mormon underwear on fire. The U.N. never authorized the United States' invasion of a country that did not attack us.

So the GOP apparently is agog with the idea of New Mexico Governor Susana Martinez as a possible 2012 running mate. Aside from the fact that this gossip is an obvious attempt to paper over the Republican Party's hostility to Hispanics, it's deja vu all over again. Where have we seen this movie before? Popular, female, first-term Governor of a small state? The GOP's lack of originality is breathtaking.

Finally, we cats are fascinated with the fact that President Obama's approval ratings are trending up. Is this because people finally are realizing that he's the only grownup in the room? Seems pretty significant, since the 2012 Republican clown college spends 80 percent of their time — when not attacking each other — attacking him. Oops. Is it not working?

Celebrating the Life of a Democrat

By Miss Kubelik

That would be "democrat" with a small "d," of course.

What a remarkable year 2011 has been. The Arab Spring that began it is still going on. In the meantime, one of the champions of democracy and intellectual freedom will be laid to rest on December 23. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, former President Bill Clinton, former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright and other American dignitaries will attend the funeral of Vaclav Havel.

What a contrast Havel's courageous, distinguished life presents to the smallness of U.S. politics today. Specifically, U.S. politics as practiced by the Republican members of the House of Representatives.

The teabaggers claim they advocate freedom of expression. But they've never once attained the level of thought in their lifetimes that Vaclav Havel achieved in single day. Sorry, just sayin'.

Get Ready for the Santorum Boomlet

By Sniffles

We cats are so excited.

After months of near-total neglect — despite the fact that with the possible exception of Ron Paul, he's the only member of the Republican 2012 clown college to practice traditional retail politics in Iowa — Rick "Don't Google My Name" Santorum is finally about to have his own Michele Bachmann/Herman Cain/Donald Trump/Newt Gingrich/anybody-but-Mitt moment of his own.

'Cuz "Bob Vander Plaats" thinks Rick Santorum should be President.

"Bob Vander" who? Well you may ask. Seems that "Bob" heads a right-wing Christian organization called The Family Leader — you know, the kind of group that wants to castrate gays and execute doctors who perform abortions and what-not? So he's apparently an important guy in Iowa evangelical circles.

But here's the rub: It's only "Bob" who's endorsing Santorum, not the organization itself. The Family Leader is staying neutral.

Well. Gosh. That's kind of a bummer. But Santorum's grassroots Iowa operation might be good enough for a respectable showing in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, it's pretty funny that as The Family Leader trumpets "Bob's" candidate of choice, they simultaneously aver, "Our goal...is to honor and glorify God — not a political party, not a candidate and not a program."

We think they need to do a little work on the ninth commandment.

They Got Rhythm?

By Zamboni

We cats have something disgusting to ask, but we think it's a legitimate question. Do Newt and Callista Gingrich practice birth control?

Why is this anybody's business? Lots of reasons. First and foremost, because Newt Gingrich has made such a big deal out of his conversion to Catholicism and how much that's allegedly helped him turn around his life.

Second, the last we checked, the only birth control that the shriveled old men in dresses up at the Vatican allow is the rhythm method.

Third, Newt Gingrich married Callista Bisek 11 years ago, when he was 57 and she was 34. Where are the children?

Since the Republicans wear their religion on their sleeves — and would love to impose it on the rest of us — we think the world should know: Do Newt and Callista do it only one week a month? Do they disobey the church and use some other contraceptive? Or — gasp — do they not have sex at all? (Because it would mess up Callista's golden orb, you know.)

Do they or don't they? Only Callista's hairdresser may know for sure.

"The Creche Is Not Religious"

By Baxter

We cats say, whaaaa....?

Okay, let us back up a bit. There's a bit of a kerfuffle going on in Loudon County, Virginia, which mostly amuses us.

It seems that instead of taking the logical way out, and decreeing that no religious displays could be mounted on county courthouse property, the locals have instead opened the door wide to all manner of wacky — or, in Mitt Romney's parlance, "zany" — holiday presentations.

We cats are loving this, because the Loudon County fools are only getting their just deserts. It seems that some committed Christians are upset. So upset, in fact, that they're giving interviews to The Washington Post with tears in their eyes. And insisting that a depiction of the manger scene has nothing to do with faith. Gosh!

Our reaction to these quavering Christians is this: What's the big deal? If you're insistent on putting nativities and creches and statues of the Baby Jesus on public property, you'd better be prepared for Santa skeletons hanging on crosses, Flying Spaghetti Monsters, our personal rubber ducky Christmas scene (see above), and other whimsical works of art. It's the American Way. Just sayin'.

Underlying all this is an irony: We cats are certain Jesus Christ had a sense of humor. You won't see it in the Gospels, necessarily, but goodness gracious — we certainly hope He did.

Merry Festivus to all!

(IMAGE: Our rubber ducky creche is presided over by a precariously balancing ducky angel.)

Tidbits and Cat Treats — The Friday Before the Friday Before Christmas Edition

By Miss Kubelik

Nine days till Christmas, and there's too much to do. But we've still managed to catch and ponder a few items in the news. Here goes:

In the same week that the dumb Iraq war he supported ends, so does Christopher Hitchens. While we cats are not unreserved Hitchens fans, we still find it satisfying when our simple-minded society pauses to note the death of a writer.

We've always considered Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to be super-lame, but this takes the cake: Apparently his 2011 holiday card has been Photoshopped. (Everyone but Mrs. Harper is sporting the same clothes they wore in 2010.) Tacky!

Speaking of naughty boys, Karl Rove is tired of all the Republican debates and thinks they should stop. Inquiring minds want to know: Why should a man who planted a hidden earpiece on his candidate have any credibility on the subject of debates?

It looks like Michele Bachmann really cleaned Newt Gingrich's clock last night — partly because she got tired of him treating her condescendingly. How ironic. Hello, Republican women! This is your party: old white guys who want to control and dismiss you.

Finally, we cats recall averring last month that it's the Obama haters in this country who have the guns. This morning, we rest our case.

Mrs. Malaprop Lives!

By Sniffles

Hoo, boy. This is just what Willard Mitt Romney needs: an endorsement from Christine O'Donnell.

No doubt the Mitt Men thought that by trotting out the Dumb Brunette from Delaware, they'd make some inroads into the Christian conservative community.

Thanks for playing, boys, and we have some lovely parting gifts in the back. Because in endorsing Romney, O'Donnell spoke a line that surely will belong to the ages — and not in a good way. "He's been consistent since he changed his mind."

O, Christine, we cats salute you. You now will join the storied annals of "I was for the war before I was against it," "That statement is no longer operative," "I am not a crook" and "Watch what we do, not what we say."

It's a classic.

Mission Actually Accomplished.

By Zamboni

We cats well remember the dark, dark days of 2003, when the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived was ginning up his fake war in Iraq, and everybody except us and one other colleague was wearing yellow ribbons in the workplace.

Today, we have a small measure of revenge — knowing that Barack Hussein Obama, who campaigned against "dumb wars," has brought this particular dumb war to its close.

Bring Out Your Dead

By Baxter

Rudy Giuliani, who as we all know is an idiot, has made a head-scratching reference in support of newly minted GOP "frontrunner" Newt Gingrich.

"My guts tells me...that Gingrich might actually be the stronger candidate," Giuliani said, "because I think he can make a broader connection than Mitt Romney to those Reagan Democrats."

"Reagan Democrats"?

POLITICO, of course, which reported the story, did not challenge the corrupt former mayor of New York on his allusion — mainly because, as we cats suspect, the average age of that website's reporters is about 23. But they should have.

See, the term "Reagan Democrats" dates from the election of 1980. Now, we cats remember 1980 quite well — in fact, we were in the thick of things back then. But we'd venture to say that a good portion, if not most, of today's registered voters have no memory of that fateful Presidential year. Or even of Ronald Reagan's Presidency itself.

What's more, demographic analyses have shown that the "Reagan Democrats" of 1980 skewed older: 39 percent were age 45 to 59, while 40 percent were age 60-plus.

You know what that means, Mr. Mayor? Today, 31 years later, those Reagan voters are probably dead.

We wish that some intelligent person in journalism — someone with an institutional memory who can read a calendar correctly — would call jerks like Giuliani on careless crap like this.

Tidbits and Cat Treats — Naughty & Nice Edition

By Miss Kubelik

We cats have observed some behavior recently that's either going to bring the perpetrators a nice shiny Radio Flyer on Christmas morning, or a stocking full of coal. For example:

The only thing we wonder about Willard Mitt Romney's $10,000 bet is whether Romney was that stupid spontaneously, or if it was planned. No pun intended, but we'd bet on the latter. We can just see his campaign team sitting around strategizing, and somebody saying, "Hey, the next time someone accuses the Governor of flip-flopping, he should lay down a bet!" And everyone else exclaiming, "Great idea!" (Not.)

The Republicans used to adore our men and women in the Armed Forces. They'd use them as props in all of George W. Bush's blustering speeches. But now that Don't Ask, Don't Tell is history, they're not feeling the love any more. Particularly for the gay ones. (Willard Mitt Rommey, again. Who, by the way, we don't think ever served.)

So now Rick Perry is the proud recipient of the Sarah Palin "I Didn't Know Africa Was a Continent" Award. "Solynda"? A country?

Sigh. We cats are running out of retail stores to go to. We haven't shopped at Target since they gave money to that homophobe Tom Emmer in Minnesota. Now Lowe's Home Improvement is dancing to the Florida Family Association's tune and pulling its ads from a Muslim-themed reality show. We guess that it'll be a long time before "Little Mosque on the Prairie" is syndicated in the U.S.

It sure is ironic (not to mention amusing) that Scott Walker supporters in Wisconsin are so scared of the Democrats that they're defacing recall petitions. Not only is Santa taking note, so is law enforcement: Messing up petitions is a violation of election fraud laws — a felony. Ha!

POLITICO reports that 68 percent of those polled don't know that the Dodd-Frank Act provides new protections to workplace whistleblowers. We cats completely blame the White House for this. (And you thought we were just knee-jerk Obama lovers.) For some reason this Administration does a crappy job of celebrating — and communicating — its successes. Like health care reform. Let's hope they get better at it before next November.

Blessed Are The Admakers

Jesus Responds to Rick Perry's "Strong" Ad from DC Pierson     

Making a List (of Questions), Checking It Twice

By Sniffles

We cats find the endless Republican debates amusing, but at the same time a little frustrating. So many questions still don't get asked.

To that end, here are a few suggestions for next time.

Do you define 20 straight months of private-sector job growth as a recession? If so, how do you describe what happened to the economy during the Bush years?

Do you believe that the United States was founded as a Christian nation? If yes, please explain. (We think your Jewish Republican friends should be interested.)

Do you support allowing alternative holiday displays on the grounds of the Leesburg, Virginia courthouse? If not, why should Christian displays be favored? (Ditto.)

Will you be upset if President Obama recess-appoints Richard Cordray to head the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau? If yes, did you support George W. Bush when he recess-appointed John Bolton as U.N. ambassador? If so, what's the difference?

While we're at it, why are you against protecting American consumers from fraud and abuse?

Please name all the members of the United States Supreme Court.

(IMAGE: Screen grab from last night's clown college lollapalooza. Who needs to get a gym membership for Christmas?)

Rick Perry Isn't Gay. He's Stupid.

"I trust those independent school districts to make those decisions [about prayer in the classroom] better than eight unelected and, frankly, unaccountable judges."

More Evidence of a Blue-State America

By Zamboni

We cats are so, so sick of the GOP line that Obama hates Israel. Who kills more Muslim terrorists than Barack Hussein Obama?

In the meantime, we pause to admire Michelle Obama's very Israel-appropriate Hanukkah party dress. Did Laura Bush ever wear anything so fetching? We think not.

Romney, Rebuked

By Baxter

Willard "Mitt" Romney richly deserved the smackdown that the President of the United States gave him today.

Not just because we should all kinda leave the Neville Chamberlain and Nazi Germany and World War II references behind. But because Willard Mitt Romney is a privileged, inauthentic, finger-in-the-wind know-nothing whose foreign policy credentials are nil.

Romney has also been lucky, in that he's a member of the whackiest, most off-the-wall gang of clownish Presidential wannabes in American history. Since his Republican primary rivals are completely laughable, and he only partly so, he so far has escaped most of the worst ridicule. But make no mistake: Mitt Romney is a pantaloon, too. Only a fool would drive to Canada with the family dog strapped to the roof of the car, and only an idiot would say what Romney said about appeasement yesterday.

So, let's take a moment and give the neglected scaramouche from Michigan a little of the contemptuous attention he deserves. Take Romney's reaction on Tuesday to Newt Gingrich's surging poll numbers. "We're just starting!" he sputtered. "We're just getting up with ads. You'll see me campaigning aggressively... blah blah blah."

Pretty funny stuff, coming from a guy who's been waging this campaign for about eight years. If Romney is "just starting," when is he really running for President? In 2020?

Well, never mind. We're sure that the coming days and weeks hold even more amusement for us. For example, Romney's Super PAC has just dropped $3.1 million on ads in Iowa for the January 3 caucuses.

We bet his numbers don't go up. In fact, we bet they go down.

We cats PURR.

Willard, Worried

By Miss Kubelik

We cats are having so much fun with the 2012 Republican clown college right now.

They are so screwed up — what with the putative frontrunner whom nobody loves deflating in the polls, and the most ethically challenged House Speaker in history apparently surging. This delicious scenario does not take into account the whacky lady from Minnesota who is stopped dead in her tracks by an eight-year-old boy. Nor does it include the former Senator from Pennsylvania who, mysteriously, seems to know all about the value of gay sex. Hm.

So. What's next? While this is not very risky to say, we cats predict that the upcoming Republican polls will continue to show Willard Mitt Romney's national numbers dropping, and Newt Gingrich's and Ron Paul's (remember him?) rising.

If this happens, then we'll look for new polls in Nevada and Michigan. If either show a similar Romney decline, they will cause a real stir, punching serious holes in Romney's carefully constructed campaign firewalls. At which point Mitt will be forced to dip into his (really-not-so-deep) campaign treasury — or, finally, write a check of his own — to boost campaign spending, particularly in Iowa, South Carolina, Florida and maybe even Michigan, Nevada and Arizona.

Upshot? Everyone will know they're panicking.

We cats wonder if the Romney campaign would then be so bold as to claim that Newt is indeed the frontrunner and that Willard — after years and years and years of running for this office — is just a humble underdog.

We're happy to wait and see. In the meantime, we PURR.

Okay, Maybe There Really Is a Blue-State America

The President and First Lady hosted the Kennedy Center honors last night. We cats think that the rainbow-colored carcanets that the honorees wear are stupid. But Mrs. Obama was a vision in Parrish blue.

(PHOTO: Yuri Gripas / Reuters Pictures)

Cat Fight! Nancy Pelosi vs. Newt Gingrich

By Sniffles

So former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi took a swipe at former Speaker of the House (and Serial Hypocritical Adulterer) Newt Gingrich by saying that there's a ton of dirt on Newtie from the 1990s House ethics investigation — and Newt is, um, offended.

We cats say, yay. The (mostly, although not totally) unreported story this year is how much money Speaker Pelosi has been raising for her fellow Democrats. Engaging Gingrich will only add to her totals — not to mention that spatting with Callistaman should, in our view, enhance Pelosi's standing with independent women voters.

Need we say more? PURR.

Note to Santa: There's Something Else We Want

By Zamboni

Yes, we cats know that we said we wouldn't write about "Herb" Cain again. But now that he's "suspended" his silly Presidential campaign — which means that he can still raise money and qualify for federal matching funds — we want to add an item to our Christmas wish list.

Remember when "Herb" claimed he raised $9 million in October? We want the media to follow up on that when campaign quarterly fundraising reports are due January 31, 2012.

Cain has such little acquaintance with the truth that we're sure he was lying about that, too.

Thank you in advance, Santa!

P.S.: "Herb" Cain is a buffoon who jokes (and then said he was serious) about killing Mexicans with an electrified border fence. So it wasn't surprising today that he used a tasteless phrase about "skinning cats." But we're still offended.

All We Want for Christmas Is a Screwed-Up Republican Race

By Baxter

Goodness gracious, the holidays are practically upon us. Which means that the first official contest of the 2012 Republican clown college is only a month away! We cats have given some thought to how, assuming that "Herb" Cain will be sidelined to the marital penalty box, we'd prefer to see the madcap antics unfold. (To Democrats' advantage, of course.)

So hang onto your hats, because here's our best-case scenario leading into Super Tuesday. (We'll keep a running tally of how closely our wish list hews to reality — if, indeed, there's any relation between Republicans and reality this year.)

IOWA — Gingrich wins, with Ron Paul a strong second, and Rick "Don't Google My Name" Santorum a modest but respectable third. Romney, Perry and Bachmann split fourth, fifth and sixth.

NEW HAMPSHIRE — Romney wins but can't crack 40 percent. Gingrich does very well; Jon Huntsman does surprisingly well.

SOUTH CAROLINA — Whoever wins, Romney, Gingrich, Perry and Bachmann all come within one to three points of one another.

NEVADA — Romney wins it again, but Paul and Perry take a big chunk out of his 2008 numbers.

FLORIDA — Gingrich wins.

MICHIGAN — Romney wins, but not as overwhelmingly as he needs to.

ARIZONA — Romney wins, but Perry is surprisingly strong.

All righty, then: That leaves us five weeks to Super Tuesday, with nobody knowing anything, the race stretching out interminably, and the clowns attacking each other into infinity with water balloons and seltzer spray. Please, Santa, please? We cats have been very good this year!

(IMAGE: www.bandofcats.com)

"We Have So Much Time and So Little to See"

By Miss Kubelik

Perhaps over the last several weeks, as the drip-drip of the "Herb" Cain revelations has continued, you've wondered — as any normal person would — what ol' "Herb" could have been thinking. How could he have so brazenly run for President on the assumption that all these, um, female problems wouldn't be revealed?

We cats were wondering a version of that ourselves, when we saw that Cain is planning to officially open a campaign headquarters in Atlanta on Saturday — but may decide to drop out of the race on Sunday. What's that about? Who would attend such a silly and pointless event if the candidate himself might throw in the towel before the weekend is out?

The only conclusion we can come to — and it applies to the "What was he thinking?" question as well — is that "Herb" Cain has tremendous contempt for the Republican primary voter.

Freepers, the ball's in your court.

UPDATE, December 2: Ooooh! It looks like "Herb" isn't waiting until Sunday after all, and will "announce" something tomorrow instead. But nobody knows what. We cats wonder, who the heck cares? This man is ridiculous — a buffoon who got into the race on a lark. It's like Tony Robbins is running for President. We're done with him.