How are you? Just a note to ask if you caught "All the President's Men" on Turner Classic Movies the other night. Did you? If so, you must be proud of how thoroughly you've managed to destroy The Washington Post, and so efficiently, too! Your announcement today that the Post's opinion page will now only publish pieces supporting "personal liberties and free markets" was just icing on the cake.
So, Jeff, does that mean that you'll be soliciting a ton of op-eds supporting abortion rights? Bodily autonomy certainly falls under the umbrella of "personal liberties." Ditto smoking weed, right? Surely you'll be publishing columns urging states to legalize not just medical but also recreational marijuana. How about medical aid in dying? Having control over your end-of-life decisions qualifies as a personal liberty, too, yes? We're looking forward to reading these upcoming thought-provokers.
Except, wait — we canceled our longtime subscription last fall, when you spiked the Kamala Harris endorsement for President. So no, we won't be reading anything in the Post — and of course, you won't be publishing them either, will you? Your Goebbels-like statement made it pretty clear that you won't even consider printing anybody who doesn't agree with you that Trump is God, and that the only reason we're on this earth is to make more and more and more money — for ourselves.
But gosh, Jeff, what a dumb business decision! You're supposed to be "Mr. Amazon," so smart. You've already chased away a ton of writing and editing talent, and hoo boy, have you done it now. It's not a good sign when Philip Bump, your still-current Post columnist who enjoys a national reputation for excellence, skeets "What the actual fuck" on social media. And what will the ever-insipid Ruth Marcus do? What about chuckler-in-chief Eugene Robinson? Will they stay, or will they go?
You know, Jeff, the Washington metropolitan area used to be served by two great newspapers — your Post, and The Baltimore Sun. Now they're both right-wing rags. Disgusting. On the bright side, why not sell? Getting out of the pesky newspaper business so you can focus on your pathetically phallic Blue Origin rockets might be the way to go. But do it quickly, before the price drops further into the cellar.
Ah, Jeff. We're so disappointed. Remember how you pumped all that money into the Post when you bought it back in 2013 — and then how you stepped back to let good reporters do their work? It was all just a tease, wasn't it? You never cared about quality journalism or speaking truth to power or democracy dying in darkness. We cats HISS and dump our dirty litter boxes on your stupid bald head.
Your Forever Ex-Subscribers,
Sniffles, Baxter, Zamboni, Miss Kubelik, and Hubie & Bertie
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