JFK 50: A "My Cats" Feature for 2013

By Zamboni

We cats are bracing ourselves. One of the most depressing things that's ever happened in American history is about to mark its 50th anniversary — and goodness gracious, it'll be tough to get away from. (Unless, of course, you're lucky enough to be Ambassador to Japan.)

We cats were kittens when President Kennedy was assassinated, and as millions and millions of words have been written about him since, we doubt that we could add anything to the discussion.

We've decided instead that the President's own words would speak better than anything we could say.

So between now and November 22, we'll spotlight a Kennedy quote — some famous, some not — so that those of us who remember him (even a little) can recall how bright and thoughtful and funny he was. And so that those of us who don't can find out.
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"For one true measure of a nation is its success in fulfilling the promise of a better life for each of its members. Let this be the measure of our nation."

—Special Message to Congress on National Health Needs, 1962

A Quickie: More Arguments Against Home Schooling

 "Obama thinks that he's helping things, but he ain't."

—58-year-old Republican white guy in Rome, Georgia 

"I don't think they should have went that far."

—Republican voter in Collinsville, Virginia, on the GOP shutdown

Don't Know Much About History

By Miss Kubelik

It's just over a week to Election Day in Virginia, and Ken "Women Can't Be Trusted With Their Own Fetuses" Cuccinelli is getting slammed in the press for the bad campaign he's run.

Now, we cats know it ain't over till it's over, but we have to agree that the House of Cootch has been singularly inept. That's on top of his poor fundraising, and his extreme right-wing views, and the government shutdown, and his general awful luck (see "McDonnell, Robert").

And the missteps keep happening. Take the latest, which we're not sure any of the young whippersnappers who pass for political journalists these days are going to notice.

Cootchy brought Rand Paul in to campaign for him today. What was one of their stops? The Filipino Cultural Center in Virginia Beach.

We don't get it. The United States has helped liberate the Philippines twice — first in 1898 from Spain, and then from the Japanese during World War II (starring the later-to-be-deservedly-fired Douglas MacArthur, above). It stands to reason, then, that Filipino-Americans might look favorably on the notion of U.S. military intervention abroad. So why would they be receptive to the uber-isolationist, anti-internationalist Rand Paul?

Okay, it may not be the biggest contributor to the overall train wreck that is the Cuccinelli campaign. But it's just another example of the tone-deaf misjudgments that Team Cootch has made. We cats PURR.

P.S. We also hope that Ken's not planning to revisit the Filipino-American community with Ted Cruz any time soon.

Polarities

By Sniffles

We cats have just returned from Canada, where the Conservative government is embroiled in a Senate scandal. That's already a little weird because people don't usually free-associate "scandal" with the word "Canada." And it's doubly so because the Canadian Senate doesn't really do much. All the power rests in the House of Commons.

But, politically, the ever-unappealing Prime Minister Stephen Harper has a problem. Since the disgraced Senators are all Tories, Harper is trying to protect himself by tossing them out of the upper chamber altogether. This has split the Conservative caucus deeply. Wow! Canadian Tories are fighting with each other just like Republicans in America are!

South of the 49th parallel, our week and a half away has brought no miracle cures to the fractured GOP. Peter King is still railing against the teabags, Rick Santorum is going after Ted Cruz, the Freeps and their friends want to primary everyone in sight, and Rancid Pieface is still nowhere to be found.

Things are also looking bleak for Virginia gubernatorial candidate Ken "Abortion Stops the Beating Heart of a Future Republican Voter" Cuccinelli and the crazy hater he's got as a running mate for lieutenant governor. So bad that people are starting to speculate that the Republican vying for attorney general, Mark Obenshain, may be the party's last, best hope to avoid a sweep.

"He’s certainly conservative, but he’s been a unifying force in the party," said former Congressman Tom Davis. "He’s not been a polarizing figure."

To which we cats say, really? The "personhood amendment" is not polarizing? Banning birth control pills and forms of IUDs is not polarizing? Running happily on the same ticket with Cuccinelli and the crazy hater for lieutenant governor is not polarizing? Opposing the bipartisan solution to Northern Virginia's intractable transportation problems is not polarizing? Suspecting all women who miscarry of having an illegal abortion is not polarizing?

If not, please do tell us what is polarizing. Because if your definition is as wacky as we think it is, your party has worse problems than we thought. We cats PURR.

Re-enactors

By Baxter

Isn't it interesting that 150 years later, the Republican Party is so enthusiastically re-enacting the Civil War?

No, we don't mean they're donning heavy wool uniforms and camping out in tents in blistering summer heat. They're just fighting with one another — really, really badly.

And they're completely unmindful of the collateral damage, which in Karl Rove's heyday was totally not allowed. Today's GOP, flailing in their hot bath of Obama-hatred insanity, is splashing scalding water on anybody who happens to be nearby — and they couldn't care less. In Virginia, gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli is one of the splashees.

The Cootch was the first state attorney general to sue to stop the Affordable Care Act, and the Supreme Court told him to take a hike. That's kind of hard for Virginians to forget — especially those who were slammed by the government shutdown that the Republicans just staged over Obamacare.

So, hobbled by his national party, lagging in the polls, short on money and retreating to his base, Cootchy had his last debate with Terry McAuliffe tonight. He needed a game-changer, and he didn't get it. We've gone from the Battle of the Little Big Horn to the Surrender at Appomattox.

As we've said, McAuliffe still has to get his vote out, and we will work hard to help him do that. But let's be plain: To win, the Cootch will have to gain three to four points a day, every day, between now and November 5. And he'd have to hope that the libertarian candidate's vote goes from 20 percent to 2 percent. And then, he'd have to pick off every undecided voter. Is all that really gonna happen? Hm. We cats PURR.

But Will He Die With His Boots On?

By Zamboni

Who crosses your mind when you hear the words "last stand"? George Armstrong Custer?

Well, The Daily Beast has just assigned that scary noun to Ken "I Never Met a Fetus I Didn't Like More Than a Woman" Cuccinelli. Seems that, in their eyes, the Cootch is hurtling toward a defeat in Virginia's gubernatorial race — and Republicans are scratching their heads about how he got there after so much optimism for his prospects this spring.

Mind you, we cats are the first to say that it ain't over till it's over. The Terry McAuliffe campaign and the Virginia Democratic Party still have to get our vote out, so we count no chickens before they're hatched. But should Cootchy go down in flames as currently predicted, we're sure that the 2013 race will not even remotely resemble a "last stand."

Au contraire: Should he lose November 5, Cootchy's career path will rest on going to Hatemonger Think Tank World, publishing a couple of inflammatory papers (as in, the recent Heritage study on immigration reform and its alleged economic impacts) — and, then, pulling a John Ashcroft and showing up in the Cruz-Palin Administration as Attorney General or, at the least, Solicitor General.

And, given his relative youth, a future Supreme Court nominee.

Remember, we cats are not saying any of this Cruz-Palin nonsense will happen. And if we have anything to do with it, it won't. But these are the Cootch's post-election plans. Bet on it.

Journalism 101

By Miss Kubelik

The Associated Press has fired Bob Lewis, a veteran Virginia political reporter, for a jaw-dropping error he made about Terry McAuliffe a couple of weeks ago. It seems that if, like Lewis, you accuse somebody of lying to investigators just on the basis of the initials "TM" in a federal indictment, you'd better confirm that those initials actually belong to that person and not to somebody else.

This could have been easily accomplished, of course.

Lewis could have called a second and then a third source for confirmation, and then he could have called the McAuliffe campaign for comment. The campaign would have swiftly denied the story and provided solid proof that "TM" was not their candidate. Unfortunately, Lewis apparently did neither of these things. So AP immediately retracted the story, and now Lewis is out of a job.

We cats are generally sympathetic to the press and would have been satisfied with a two-week suspension instead of a sacking. But if there's one lesson that experienced and newbie journalists alike can take from this drama, it's this: You can't just accept right-wing spin.

Nope, you actually have to do some reporting. Just because you're conditioned to think something is true because of the way FOX "News" views the world, you still should be reporting facts — not assumptions. We cats HISS.

Our Surrogates Are Better Than Their Surrogates

By Sniffles

First Hillary, and now Bill: The 42nd President is coming to Virginia for a three-day campaign blitz for Terry McAuliffe.

So who does Ken Cuccinelli bring in? Mr. Yesterday's News in Republican politics, Fat Mike Huckabee. And Fat Mike was only able to draw "a couple hundred people" to Liberty "University" for the big Cootchy confab. Hm.

Which makes us wonder: Where, oh, where is the famous quitter from Alaska? Why isn't she winging her way to Richmond to tout her fellow teabagger for Governor? After all, she campaigned for that loser named Lonegan in New Jersey — and now Senator-elect Cory Booker is officiating same-sex marriages, God love him. What gives?

We think we know the answer. Sarah Palin could safely stump for Steve Lonegan because he was never supposed to win that Senate seat, and she could never be blamed for his loss. But campaigning for Cootchy is more politically dicey. This was a race that the GOP was once confident of winning, because it's an off-year and a Democrat is in the White House. But now — well, not so much.

We cats predict that Virginia won't see the likes of the famous quitter before November 5. But she'll do something less risky — like tweet her support for the Cootch a few days out, when it won't make any difference. After all, that's what unprincipled narcissists do.

P.S. Maybe Cootchy should bring back Ted Cruz? Well — maybe not.

Sorry, Chris Cillizza: The Worst Week In Washington Was Actually Had By...

By Baxter

We cats beg to differ with young Chris Cillizza, who hasn't been around as long as we have and who we think doesn't always know what he's talking about — bless his heart.

So we're starting a new My Cats Are Democrats feature: Sorry, Chris Cillizza. When the mood strikes us (and you know how moody we cats are), we will post who we really think should receive Cillizza's "Worst Week in Washington" award. Like, for example, this week.

Lamely, Cillizza names John Boehner this week's dubious winner. How boringly inside-the-Beltway. And how wrong: We believe that Boehner is well-pleased with how things have worked out for him, shutdown-wise. He won't go down in history as the Speaker who allowed default, and the teabag crazies in his caucus appreciate the fact that he acted like an idiot on their behalf, right down to the end. So his job is safe, which is all he cares about.

Therefore, here are the real winners of the Worst Week in Washington:

• Larry Klayman — The guy who was too crazy even for the nutcases at Judicial Watch embarrassed himself and the teabag movement with an appalling speech at the Couple-'o-Hundred-Veterans march in Washington on Sunday, thereby introducing Obama Hate to the horrified country at large and setting back his cause about three centuries.
• The Idiot Who Carried the Confederate Flag in Front of the White House — Once again, a classic case of someone who wouldn't have been noticed except for the whole shutdown thingie. Instead, the eyes of the nation were fixed on how awful these people are.
• Grammar — Will the teabags ever learn that "We, the People" cannot be used in an objective sense [above]? They cannot wave signs that say "Stand Up For We, the People." But the Preamble to the Constitution doesn't say "Us, the People," does it?
• The NRSC and NRCC — The lazy media might insist that the shutdown happened one year too early to have an impact on the 2014 elections, but we cats know better. The political world is in the heavy-fundraising-and-candidate-recruitment season right now. We're seeing Democrats step forward in key districts where the GOP is flailing — and while Republican donors are hanging onto their wallets.
• Rancid Pieface — Where, oh where, has the Republican National Committee Chairman been while his party is imploding? We suspect that Pieface has spent the week pie-eyed. We cats PURR.

"The McConnell Treatment"? It Doesn't Exist.

By Zamboni

How medieval would Lyndon Johnson have gone on a member of his caucus who had strayed the way Ted Cruz has?

We cats think, pretty medieval. LBJ's retaliation for Cruz-like antics would have made "the Johnson treatment" look gentle.

But ah, those were the days, and they don't make 'em like Lyndon any more. Particularly on the Republican side of the aisle. But if Mitch McConnell were a man and not a mouse, he would throw Cruz out of the GOP caucus — leaving him high and dry with no committee assignments, unless he got them from the Democrats (ha, ha, ha).

If he were in true Johnson mode, McConnell would also fire Cruz from his "leadership" role at the National Republican Senatorial Committee — a position that Cruz holds even though he has repeatedly refused to endorse his fellow Texan John Cornyn for re-election.

Heck, if we were McConnell, we'd punish Cruz just for giving a press conference during the leader's key floor speech on the shutdown.

But McConnell doesn't have an LBJ bone in his body. Master of the Senate, he's not. We cats PURR.