Bob Begs

By Miss Kubelik

As "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell beseeches Judge James R. Spencer to spare him prison time at his sentencing next week, we cats thought it would be interesting to see how many executions Bob presided over as Virginia Governor.

The answer: five, including the first woman put to death in the Old Dominion in 100 years.

So yes, those five folks were murderers. But since Bob is supposed to be such a devout and thoughtful Christian, we hope that he's been spending a lot of time pondering redemption and compassion, and all the good things that can happen when judgment is tempered with mercy.

But — nah. We know the truth: Bob couldn't care less; he's only worried about his own sorry skin. And fake Jesus groupie that he is, he can't see the irony that he who once condemned others now pleads for clemency for himself.

We cats would HISS if we thought Transvaginal Bob were worth it. Instead, even though we appreciate all the joy he's brought us this year, we'll end 2014 by dumping our dirty litter box over his head.

Bad Company

By Zamboni

We cats were wondering what the statute of limitations was on speaking before white supremacist groups: 10 years? From John Boehner's statements on Steve Scalise, that appeared to be the case.

But now that we've found out that former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke's aide — the appropriately named Kenny Knight — gave Scalise $1,000 in 2008, we're scratching our furry heads anew. Since speaking to a bunch of neo-Nazis more than a decade ago is okay, what time frame applies if you get a big contribution from one of them?

We cats can't believe that the Republicans think they're going to ride this out, but maybe they will. And perhaps they think that being in the same room with people like David Duke and Kenny Knight is acceptable.

We have news for them: It's not. Ever. Breathing the same air as haters and Nazis is completely and utterly disqualifying. Just ask the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. We cats HISS.

Now We Know What It Takes To Stop A Bad Mother With A Gun.

By Baxter

It must warm the cockles of Wayne LaPierre's heart to know that a two-year-old in Idaho exercised his Second Amendment rights today.

Okay, so the kid shot and killed his mother in a Walmart, but still.

We were trying to figure out how Wayne and the gang down at the NRA were going to spin this one. But we must admit, it didn't take long:

If this mom didn't have a loaded, concealed gun, liberals would try to kidnap her and force her to have abortions or marry a person color, because goodness knows liberals love minorities and they hate unborn babies. Plus, liberals love government, and the government could come after her and take her gun at any time. So it was a good thing that she had a loaded, dangerous weapon with her while she was out in public, shopping with her multiple children.

(Hm, somehow that didn't come out right...)

If we cats could wipe the Second Amendment right out of the Constitution, we would. But since we can't, more young mothers will get wiped out themselves. By toddlers. God bless America, everybody.

The Sound Of Silence

By Sniffles

Ya know, if John Boehner kicked every extremist out of his caucus tonight, Nancy Pelosi would be Speaker again.

We cats say this with scratchy tongue in furry cheek, because we know what's going to happen with the whole Steve Scalise situation: A flurry of attention, a fading into the background, and Republican silence. Which the media will let them get away with.

We are so sick of it all. If a Democrat spoke to, say, a prominent Palestinian group, the GOP and their media enablers would be all over it. But a sitting member of the House leadership addresses a bunch of white supremacists, and nobody bats an eye. When is this double standard, not to mention the repulsive behavior in the first place, going to stop?

And since Rancid Pieface and the entire Republican Party are so proud of their successful 2014 Congressional, Senate and gubernatorial candidates, when are all those newly elected Republicans going to declare their outrage about Scalise? Where is Mia Love on this? Ben Carson? Tim Scott? And why can Republicans like Rand Paul get all umbrage-y about accusations of party racism — but stay quiet now?

But let's not stop there. Let's fast-forward to 2016. The question for a candidate like Ben Carson, who thinks the only racists are Democrats, is this: "Dr. Carson, if Steve Scalise offered to endorse you today, would you accept his endorsement?" For that matter, would Jeb "Mr. Moderate" Bush accept a Scalise endorsement? Would Chris Christie? Rand Paul? Rick Perry? Any of the rest of them?

Scalise should be the first question at the opening Republican debate. Of course, no one in the press will ask it. We cats hack up a hairball, and we HISS.

(IMAGE: Steve Scalise, David Duke. Any questions?)

Goodness Gracious, But Political Blogging Should Be Harder Than This

"The only things that have ever mattered to him are God, his family, and his job. He has never cared about money or things."

—Jenine McDonnell Zubowsky, pleading for leniency for her father, convicted felon "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell

Keen Observer

This stunning portrait of Orson Welles was taken in 1951 by the Observer's longtime photographer Jane Bown, who died on December 21 at the age of 89. Sometimes, when you want a job really well-done, give it to a woman.

For more on Jane Bown's body of work, click here.

Deserved Defeat

By Miss Kubelik

Aside from "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell and advances in marriage equality, the other feel-good story of 2014 for us cats was the Washington football team — whose controversy off the field was matched only by its travails on it.

Today's squish of Washington by the Dallas Cowboys was preceded by a manifestation outside FedEx Field, where demonstrators on the right side of history marched and argued with fans. ("Fans"? Washington still has them? Considering how badly they've been playing and how fair-weather and uninformed DC's sportshounds generally are, we cats wonder.)

Until Washington and its execrable owner change the team's disgusting name, we cats are thrilled at their misfortune. Our only regret is that today was the last chance for demonstrations at the stadium, since the [CENSORED]s' season is over. We cats HISS and PURR.

Cat Fight! McDonnell vs. McDonnell

By Zamboni

Ooohhhh, please, Judge Spencer, don't haul my fine, upstanding Christian father off to the hoosegow! So pleads Jenine McDonnell Zubowsky in a letter that — while claiming that Transvaginal Bob McDonnell's corruption-trial defense did not throw Mom Maureen under the bus — goes on to throw Mom Maureen under the bus.

"My mom," writes Jenine, "has always been concerned about getting discounts or freebees. She hid her coordination with people for free or discounted things or services and she didn’t communicate with my dad because she knew he would not approve."

Yeah, right: That's why Transvaginal Bob drove the Ferrari, accepted the loans, wore the Rolex, took the vacations, and allowed someone else to pay for his other daughter's wedding. And then, of course, pushed Anatabloc in return. And furthermore, if Bob is so innocent, why was the one conviction that Judge Spencer dropped Maureen's?

Well, never mind. We cats just love the McDonnells. They never, but never fail to make us grin. They are squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, corrupt and covetous Republican hypocrites. (And drunks, too.) After making life miserable for Virginia women who were merely trying to exercise their Constitutional reproductive rights, Transvaginal Bob and his sorry clan are now miserable themselves. We cats PURR and PURR and PURR.

Key Scene Deleted

By Baxter

We cats are glad that people are going to see "The Interview" today, and that North Korea doesn't have anything to say about that. And we also think it's probably not a very good movie.

But no matter. Nothing worse has happened than folks spending money on a subpar film. Which doesn't surprise us — yet in all the coverage of the "Interview" controversy, we cats kept listening for one word that we never heard: Aurora.

We finally had to zip over to The Denver Post to find that movie theaters were skittish about "The Interview" partly because Cinemark in Colorado was hit with nearly two dozen lawsuits after the "Dark Knight" massacre in 2012.

Yes, we cats think that Americans should be able to see even lousy films without North Korean dictators weighing in. But it would have been a lot more honest of our national media if they had reminded us all that Americans have died en masse in movie theaters before. As they have in McDonalds restaurants, Sikh temples, shopping malls, high schools and, sadly, elementary schools. We cats HISS.

Our Sentiments Exactly

Tidbits And Cat Treats: Eve Of Christmas Eve Edition

By Sniffles

Goodness gracious. We cats are looking at today's headlines and finding a lot to be grateful for (or amused at). Let's review a few as we all get ready for those visions of sugar plums, shall we?

Despite a year and a half of rending garments and gnashing teeth over the so-called IRS "scandal," Darrell Issa and his committee have come up empty. The House Republicans hatehatehate the Internal Revenue Service, but they sure don't seem to have any problem wasting taxpayer money on fruitless witch hunts. When is somebody going to call them out on that?

The economy is booming. This, after Barack Obama inherited the worst financial meltdown since the Great Depression. (Of course, Democrats being weenies, we'll never hear them boasting about any of this. That makes us HISS.)

The world has taken note and will long remember what an idiot Rudolph Giuliani is. And people are also starting to realize how stupid toy guns are. They're both only small nuggets of good news — but we cats, who find all these stories about the police wildly depressing, will take what we can get.

In the category of "WTF, Is That Still the Law?", the FDA is finally allowing gay and bisexual men to donate blood again. Jeez. Now, if we can just get that "celibate for one year" restriction removed.

And finally, the Republican gift that never stops giving: "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell! His lawyers are on their knees begging that Bob be given a zillion hours of community service instead of jail time next month. We cats say, fat chance. But in the unlikely event that Judge Spencer is tempted to agree, we cats have some suggestions for organizations Bob could volunteer at: Virginia League for Planned Parenthood, the Immigration Advocates Network, Gay Men's Health Crisis, the Human Rights Campaign, or the NAACP. We cats PURR.

Mayor Bloomberg Was Right

By Miss Kubelik

We've long since entered the (excuse the pun) fat part of the holiday overindulgence season, but we cats have been recently been reminded of Michael Bloomberg's fruitless efforts to ban the sales of 16-ounce sugared sodas in New York.

It's only because one of our humans — scolded by his family physician for his blood sugar levels — decided to give the doctor's advice a try and has cut out virtually all Sprites, Cokes and Mountain Dews.

Result? He's lost seven pounds in six weeks.

Meanwhile, conservatives, Republicans and other idiots (see above) who prefer to rail against the so-called nanny state are just getting less healthy, more haggard, and — if possible — more stupid. We cats PURR.

Blame Shame

By Zamboni

So yesterday's assassination of two New York City police officers is Bill de Blasio's and Barack Obama's fault? Unbelievable. Why does nobody blame Rudy Giuliani — who failed to upgrade police and firefighter communications — and the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived — who ignored the August 6, 2001 Presidential Daily Brief — for the deaths of 3,000 people on September 11? We cats HISS.

Mug Shot

By Baxter

"Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell and his family have been so good to us this year. We really must send them a fruitcake or something.

After a wonderful 2014 packed with McDonnell-related Schadenfreude, they've given us even more. Bratty-faced "Bobby" McDonnell was arrested for drunk driving at 3:25 AM the other day.

This latest adventure, of course, follows on the heels of Bob's and greedy cheerleader wife Maureen's multiple convictions on corruption charges, and twin bro Sean's 2013 arrest for for his own public squiffiness. (Now we understand why Jonnie Williams didn't want the boys behind the wheel of his famous Ferrari. And perhaps "Bobby" can get a cell next to his parents when they get hauled off to the hoosegow next year.)

Clearly this a family with problems. But that fact inspires no sympathy. Instead, it just makes us wonder — again — why Transvaginal Bob felt he could tell his fellow Virginians how to live their lives. We cats HISS (after we PURR).

The Republican Romance With Rome: Is It Over?

By Sniffles

We cats don't understand why American Catholics are supposed to feel so cozy and warm in the Republican Party's embrace. Is it all about abortion? Reproductive freedom? Nah — lots of Catholics use contraception, support sex education, and think abortion is a decision for a woman and her doctor.

So what gives? Because these days, the church and the GOP are hardly a match made in heaven. Consider, for example, the following:

John Paul II begged the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived not to invade Iraq in 2003."War is never just another means that one can choose to employ for settling differences between nations," he said. We all know what Bush's answer to that was.

Pope Francis has urged tolerance for gays. The GOP, apparently bent on winnowing itself out of existence, disagrees.

Frankie also has scolded anti-immigrant haters. The Republican Party harbors people like this guy.

And now, Frankie has helped broker the normalization of relations between the United States and Cuba — leaving Republican critics like Baby Marco Rubio sputtering when asked about his role.

No doubt about it: The GOP and the Holy See sure don't see (eye-to-eye, that is). We cats PURR.

(PHOTO: Frankie and Barack. "Ave Maria / Gee, it's good to see ya.")

Return To Normalcy (Or, At Least, To Havana)

By Miss Kubelik

Just when we cats were wondering if politics were ever going to be fun anymore, Barack Obama and Pope Francis (and yes, apparently Stephen Harper) have just thrown a huge monkey wrench into the Republican Party's run-up to 2016.

Sure, everybody's talking about the usual suspects, like "Jeb!" Bush and Baby Marco Rubio and "Ted" Cruz and how mad they are. Which is amusing enough in itself. But we cats are thinking beyond those three jackasses. Specifically, we're thinking Farm Belt.

See, lots of American farmers have been itching to do business with Cuba for simply ages. The folks at Bob Dole's favorite company, Archer Daniels Midland, must have been turning cartwheels at today's news. And it'll be real interesting to see how right-wing freshman Senators like Joni Ernst and Mike Rounds react — since their home-state farmers are champing at the bit so hard, they've probably already bitten through it.

But even more delicious is the thought of Presidential wannabes like — oh, let's say, John Thune, jetting down from the wheat fields of South Dakota to raise big bucks in — oh, let's say Florida. What's Thune and the rest of the guys in the Republican clown car going to say to all the angry exiles whose money they'll want so bad? "Gee, you're right — my constituents' business interests should definitely take a back seat to your 54-year-old grudge against Fidel"?

In short, fun! We cats see a lot of Republicans twisting themselves into pretzels over Cuba for the next two years. In the meantime, we're thrilled and hopeful that normalizing relations with the island will mean we'll never have to go through something like this again. That would truly make us PURR.

Gingrich Gas

By Zamboni

We cats have been worried. We thought we were the only ones who remembered Newt Gingrich screaming back during the 2012 Republican debates that Americans should be paying $2.50 a gallon for gas. And that only he could make that happen.

Well, thank goodness for the Interwebs. Because we found that not only was Newtie blathering about $2.50 gas during the debates — he wrote a whole book about it!

We love this, mainly because we stopped at our local station to fill up yesterday. What did we pay for our gas? $2.49 a gallon. (You may have noticed who's President. Hint: It's not Newt Gingrich.)

We cats are waiting for some intrepid journalist to track Gingrich down and ask him about this. In the meantime, we PURR.

Finally, A Doctor In The House

By Baxter

It is truly disgusting that thanks to the NRA, nearly all the Republican Senate, and (sigh) a few Democrats, the United States of America was without a Surgeon General for more than a year — even when Ebola first reached American shores (and everyone hit the panic button).

Well, no longer. Today Harry Reid, our favorite wily Mormon, put his deep knowledge of Senate rules to good use and pulled off a 51-43 confirmation of Dr. Vivek Murthy. Take that, Wayne LaPierre.

You might wonder why in the world the NRA would care who the Surgeon General is. Here's why: Dr. Murthy had the effrontery, after the Sandy Hook elementary school massacre, to tweet in favor of gun control (see above). Yep — we cats would say that six-year-olds dying about 70 years before their time is a public health concern.

What truly saddens us are the three Democratic "no" votes today: Heidi Heitkamp, Joe Donnelly, and, ugh, Joe Manchin. Say it ain't so, Joe! We cats had hope for him after Newtown. Now, we're wondering.

Well, no matter: We'll take the vote. And while we're still convinced that LaPierre and his legion of tiny-brained gunsuckers would be hounded off the face of the earth if police photos from Sandy Hook ever saw the light of day, we're just glad that the NRA took it on the chin and that America has a Surgeon General again.

Now... how about that other new General we need? The one whose title starts with "Attorney"? Harry, the ball's in your court. That would make us cats PURR.

Vitter Quits Call Girls, "Screws" Senate Staffers Instead

By Sniffles

David Vitter — the Louisiana Senator who, thanks to his fondness for D.C. prostitutes, could probably use a health checkup himself — has decided that it's worth messing with Republican Senate staffers' medical coverage to make a point.

At Vitter's urging, the Republican Senate Conference has voted to drive more of their Hill employees off the Federal Employees Health Benefits Program and onto insurance exchanges through the Affordable Care Act. "Washington should have to live under Obamacare until we repeal it," Vitter growled. (Meanwhile, as far as we can tell, Senators are keeping their own cozy coverage under FEHBP.)

Irony check: According to the Congressional Management Foundation, many Congressional employees who have already signed up for Obamacare are loving their lower premiums. They just don't like "being kicked around like a political football," said the Foundation's president.

We'll be blunt: We cats couldn't really care less about GOP Senate staffers. But we continue to be appalled that Republican jackasses like Vitter are willing to toy with people's lives because of their blind, tiresome hatred of Barack Obama. So we HISS.

Birds (And Other Critters) Of Paradise

By Miss Kubelik

We cats are not big fans of the Catholic Church, but boy, we sure are intrigued by this Pope Frankie guy. He's quickly turned into the only pontiff we'd want to have a beer with.

The latest reason, naturally, is his assertion that animals go to heaven.

Okay, let's qualify this. Francis said, "Paradise is open to all God's creatures," and he said it in response to a little boy whose dog had died. But you know — you start with dogs, so you must mean cats; how could you not? And then there are all those animals that humans eat, like cows and pigs and fish and what-not — and well, you go far enough and all hell breaks loose. But believe us, heaven would be a more fun place if we were there.

Like Frankie's other pronouncements on gay people and unmarried moms and all the other fallen folks that Catholic conservatives hate (calling Pat Buchanan!), this is driving certain quarters crazy. We cats like that. After the retrograde John Paul II and the Nazi Benedict, Frankie is a breath of truly fresh air.

At 77, Francis is no spring chicken. He figures he doesn't have a lot of time on the throne, so he's being bold and making his mark. Or at least, he understands the breadth of his power and is completely willing to make the conservatives mad. We cats wish that our own President had as much moxie.

The icing on the cake? Rick Santorum surely thinks Pope Francis is a dangerous nut. He's probably plotting with the cardinals right now to get rid of him. Will we hear a lot of criticism of Frankie on the Santorum campaign trail? We cats PURR at the thought.

Voter Suppression, Canadian Style

By Zamboni

We cats have frequently averred that the Conservative government of Stephen Harper has, for years, taken multiple pages from the Karl Rove book of Screw Your Enemies. In fact, we've always suspected that Harper has a direct-dial line from his offices on Parliament Hill to Rove, to the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived, and to all the repulsive reprobates of the Cheney-Bush Administration.

But now we know he does. What more proof do you need than the "Citizen Voting Act" — which would force Canadians living overseas to vote absentee solely in the riding (district) they last lived in, no matter how long ago that was, and which requires new levels of ID to "prove who they are, where they live"?

Gee, sound familiar? From allowing his fellow countrymen living abroad to simply prove that they are Canadian, Harper and his Tories have decided to put them through hoops that only an American of color, intending to vote for Barack Obama, would have to jump through.

This is a Tory attack on Canadians on active military duty. And on career diplomats and Canadians in the foreign service. And on those who choose to work for an NGO like the Red Cross. In fact, it's an affront to uber-patriot Don Cherry, who like all right wingers champions the Canadian armed forces every chance he gets.

Will Mulcair and Trudeau call Harper on this? That would make us PURR. In the meantime, Canadian Conservative (and American conservative) attacks on voting rights continue to be attacks on the essence of democracy. Which make us HISS.

We Are Horrible, Redux

We cats never thought this cartoon would ever be recyclable. But then, we hadn't read the Torture Report.

Schadenfreude

By Baxter

We cats don't know what the Native American word is for glee at another's misfortune, so we'll just use the German expression instead.

This is not a sports blog, but we could not be happier that the Washington football team is doing so badly. It kind of makes you wonder if they're being punished for their racist name that they refuse to change. Or rather, that their execrable owner refuses to change.

Here's a thought. At a time when the nation is roiled by white cops needlessly killing black men and boys — and when athletes are taking the field and the court to express their outrage — Dan Snyder would show some real class if he stepped up and said, "You know what? I don't want to contribute any further to the race issues that are dividing our country. From now on, the R-word is toast."

Of course, he won't. But take it from us: If Washington is struggling under some sort of curse right now, that one small step by Snyder would lift it. And make us PURR.

Udall Unleashed

By Sniffles

Funny how on the very same day that Candy Crowley interviews the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived, we cats have run across a most interesting — well, threat from Senator Mark Udall.

Udall — one of a slew of Democrats who got booted from their jobs last month — has said that if the White House and the Senate Intelligence Committee can't come to agreement on releasing the committee's CIA Torture Report, he might just walk onto the Senate floor and read it into the Congressional Record.

If Udall did this, the Worst Person, not to mention the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived If Indeed He Were a Person, would be instantly unmasked as the modern-day Torquemadas they are — something to which America has for more than 10 years turned a "beat it kid, you bother me" blind eye.

We cats are thinking of writing Senator Udall a mash note, urging him to do it. After all, even if the report is released, major portions will be, as they charmlessly say, "redacted." So quite possibly the only way any of us could really find out what our country did to prisoners after September 11 is to have Mark Udall go rogue. (P.S.: He can't be prosecuted for it.)

Udall sure sounds like a man on a mission. "What happened broke faith in the Constitution," he said. "It’s made our challenge much greater when it comes to facing the threat of Islamic fundamentalism. And it is morally repugnant."

The American people, he added, will be "shocked, disgusted and appalled." We cats will just settle for no more Worst Person interviews, thank you very much. We find them shocking, disgusting and appalling. And they make us HISS.

Lest We Furr-get: People With Guns Kill People

By Miss Kubelik

Today is the 25th anniversary of an event you've probably never heard of: the Montreal Massacre. On December 6, 1989, 14 women were killed at the University of Montreal's Ecole Polytechnique by a gun-toting jackass who, you guessed it, then committed suicide.

Yep, it happened in the True North, and it really goes against the Canadian stereotype, doesn't it? But the gunman at the Ecole Polytechnique told his victims that he was "fighting feminism," because women were the source of all his problems, and he was going to do something about it. So he shot them.

For those of us who share citizenship with the likes of Aaron Alexis, James Holmes, Adam Lanza and Wade Page, it's almost comforting to know that other countries can have problems with mass shootings, too. (Don't forget that lovely man in Norway, who killed all those kids at a Workers' Youth League summer camp.)

But at the same time, it's discouraging to realize that even though Canada has no Second Amendment, there's a gun-nut lobby and a Conservative government that's willing to do its bidding. Sadly, Stephen Harper and his Tories continue to take pages from Wayne LaPierre's book — despite the October attack on Parliament and the death of a soldier guarding the War Memorial in Ottawa.

Can Canada wait until next fall's election to get rid of these Harper clowns and bring in a government that will legislate sensibly on gun control? Or will more Canadians have to die before that happens? We cats sincerely hope not. In the meantime, we remember the 14 women who were killed 25 years ago at the Ecole Polytechnique, and we HISS.

GOP Reacting Reasonably On Eric Garner? Don't Hold Your Breath.

By Zamboni

Just when we cats thought humanity could collectively agree that breathing is good, we got a whiff of the right-wing umbrage over Eric Garner's death.

Umbrage, that is, that a man in the process of being murdered would be able to gasp out a last breath.

We cats are not sure what Peter King, who should be stripped of his office and have his head shoved into a dirty litter box, wants Eric Garner to prove. After all, the man died. But we'd like to state for record and for the jackass Republican Congressman from New York that we know from experience (an emergency-room encounter with an endoscope down the throat) that yes, indeed, you can say "I can't breathe" when, truly, you can't.

It's just unbelievable that a sitting member of the House of Representatives would get on TV and say what King did. Scarier still is the fact that with the teabagger takeover of the Republican Party, and the dearth of moderate Republican office holders left in the Northeast and across the country, King is supposed to be one of the "reasonable" voices of the GOP.

God help us. Although we're heartened by the fact that right-wing voices like Charles Krauthammer, Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck and the guys with the small penises over at The Federalist have all expressed dismay at the Garner decision, the skepticism, scorn and disrespect that King and others have shown the star of the nation's most widely viewed snuff film takes our breath away. So much so that we can barely HISS.

Armed And Definitely Dangerous

By Baxter

Ever get a phone call from a fast-talking guy in a noisy boiler room, asking you to donate to your local sheriff's department? Do you still see yellow-ribbon bumper stickers urging us all to "support the troops"? We cats do. We always instantly hang up, or avert (or roll) our eyes.

Is that blasphemy? Or can we, as Americans who are lucky enough to have never felt menaced by police officers or seen military-style vehicles roll down our streets, come out and say that we have had enough? From sexual assaults in the armed services to the recent string of murders by police of black men and boys, we cats are up to here with so-called figures of authority stepping out of line, and over the line.

This isn't the first time we've felt this way, either. We well remember the ridiculously fevered excitement of 2003, when the US was invading Iraq and we all were supposed to... well, you know. We didn't support the troops then, and we don't now — because it always depends on what the troops are doing. If they're invading an innocent country at the behest of the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived, or if they're raping their fellow soldiers, or if they're murdering civilians — we withhold our affection and respect. (Sadly, it has always been thus. We cats recall how, back in the day, My Lai massacre mastermind William Calley had his defenders, too.)

And we sure as heck don't support law enforcement when we see outrageous killings of black citizens by white officers or wannabe cops, who then, of course, get off scot-free. (Even more sadly, this has always been thus as well. It's just that the high-profile cases of Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner, Michael Brown and Tamir Rice have reminded those of us who are white just how terrible life is for Americans of color when they encounter police.)

So please excuse us cats while we hack up the world's biggest hairball. We are disgusted and ashamed. Is there a bright side to all this awfulness? Who knows? Maybe the nation's consciousness has been raised, and things will change. Indeed, they must. A country awash in guns must ensure that people who wield authority and its weapons do so with emotional intelligence. And when they're not, justice has to be done. In the meantime, we HISS.

Elizabeth Lauten, Prize Turkey

By Sniffles

Well, Democrats may have gotten wiped out in last month's midterms, but one Republican on Capitol Hill is unexpectedly out of a job. "Elizabeth Lauten," formerly communications director for GOP Congressman Stephen Fincher of Tennessee, has resigned her job after posting on Facebook a perversely unprovoked holiday-season attack on Sasha and Malia Obama.

Clearly, this Lauten person thought that after the Republicans' triumph on November 4, there was no line that could not be crossed. After four days of firestorms, she's found out otherwise.

As for us cats, we are pleased to know that Lauten will no longer be drawing a government paycheck. Because, quite frankly, she's an idiot. How is it possible that someone who was supposed to be one of the GOP's bright-light social media mavens doesn't understand how social media work?

Not only did Lauten not anticipate how badly her remarks about the Obama girls would go over, she also plainly didn't have a clue that it could get so out of control. (Welcome to the world.) And this isn't the first time that Lauten's been caught screwing up online. Back in August, she posted on her boss's official Twitter account a personal comment that used a British term for the F word.

Using social media well requires one important trait that Lauten doesn't have: good judgment. But why should we cats complain? To tell you the truth, we're thrilled to know that Republicans are relying on fools like Elizabeth Lauten to navigate the scary world of Facebook, Twitter, and the like. The very thought makes us PURR.

(PHOTO: "Spot at the bar"? What does that even mean?)

Only A Real Princess Can Pull This Off, Part II

By Miss Kubelik

If we cats had to pick one story that delighted us more than any in 2014, it would be the Bob and Maureen McDonnell corruption trial, paws down. It was the gift that never stopped giving — filled with Rolexes and Ferraris and catered weddings and icky loans. And now all the fond memories are simply flooding back, thanks to Judge James Spencer, who has denied the Robert and Maureen McDonnells' request for a new trial (or for an outright acquittal — what a laugh!).

As much as we would have loved to see the spectacle played all over again, it's good that the judge has tossed the request. The McDonnells are singularly silly people, and nothing they do or ask should be treated seriously.

We're a little disappointed, though, that Spencer threw out the obstruction of justice charge against Maureen. In our opinion, she deserves the jail time she'll get next month just for that charge alone. Let's revisit the cheesy letter that she wrote Jonnie Williams to cover her ample ass on the New York shopping spree:

"I truly hope your daughter will now be able to enjoy these lovely outfits...If not, I'm sure there are many exemplary charitable organizations like we talked about who would welcome the opportunity to auction them for a wonderful cause."(As we cats have pointed out before, if Princess Diana were alive today, she'd be spinning in her grave.)

But oh, well. Maureen and her execrable husband will, we hope, receive official notice in a few weeks that they'll be hauled off to the hoosegow, where Maureen will probably make plans to auction off her prison jumpsuit. We cats PURR.

(PHOTO: The Princess of Wales attends the 1997 auction of her royal dresses, which, unlike Maureen McDonnell's sweaty cast-offs, people actually wanted to buy.)