Abbott Swings And Misses

By Zamboni

Since we cats have nine lives, we're old enough to remember the message that flashed on Shea Stadium's scoreboard on a cold October night back in 1986: "Congratulations World Series Champs Boston Red Sox."

Whoops! That message came down mighty quick once the New York Mets rallied when they were one out away.

Well, now mistakes like that go out on that Twitter thing, and not just to 50,000 people in a baseball stadium but to the entire world. So it behooves you even more to wait until the last out of the freaking game before you start popping champagne corks — or try to score stupid political points by send warm hugs to your home-state team for winning the division championship. (In case you're wondering, yes, the Kansas City Royals came back from the dead in the eighth inning and won the game, 9-6.)

In short, the far-far-far-right-wing Governor Greg Abbott (R-TX) didn't just jump the gun when the Royals had their backs against the wall — he tweeted felicitations at the end of the seventh inning! Call us cats crazy, but in our book, there was plenty of time left for Kansas City to stage their comeback, which of course they did. Don't mess around with the baseball gods — they will always bite you. (Then again, Abbott is the same idiot who put Texas on high alert for the nonexistent Jade Helm conspiracy this summer, so how smart is he?)

What Abbott and his staff did was so typical of one-party rule. When you're in that position — like the Republicans are in Texas — you feel entitled, you're omnipotent, you can't possibly be wrong, and you have nobody to put the brakes on you when you're about to do something stupid. Which as we know from recent antics on Capitol Hill, Republicans are awfully good at. We cats HISS.

Tidbits And Cat Treats: Shucks, Folks, We're Speakerless

By Baxter

We cats returned from our travels thinking that surely the nation would have a Speaker of the House by now. Au contraire! It truly is appalling that the Republicans have allowed one-half of Congress to become a new edition of the Keystone Kops. Have we mentioned how effective Nancy Pelosi was?

Meanwhile, tomorrow night is the Democrats' big debate. Here's what we hope to see: "Wolf Blitzer" or some other lamebrain CNN moderator trying to get Clinton, Sanders, et. al. to say negative stuff about Barack Obama (you know, like about Syria, or the ACA or gun control, just to goose up the ratings) — and every one of the candidates responding with something like, "Sorry, Wolf, we hear enough from the Republicans and the teabags about how absolutely horrible Obama is supposed to be, coupled with complete and total amnesia about the disaster that was Bush/Cheney. Not playing your game, thanks very much."

And gosh! As if Jeb! Bush needs another thing to go wrong, ya know? It turns that in addition to his measly 7 percent in Iowa, his top campaign guy in the Hawkeye State has just been diagnosed with an incredibly aggressive form of leukemia. Not much chance he'll be rounding up folks on caucus day, we think.

Finally, to all those yahoos who keep trying to insist that the Confederate battle flag is not racist, we offer this. We cats say, it's not heritage, it's hate. And we HISS.

Halloween Comes Early

By Sniffles

We cats are traveling this weekend, but before we hit the road we want to make one more observation about the Republican chaos in Washington.

It is not funny.

So why did we see so many TV talking heads giggling and grinning yesterday? Rachel Maddow reveled in silly props, and her guest, Jay Newton-Small from TIME magazine, couldn't stop smirking. The Washington Post's Eugene Robinson, irritatingly, can always be depended upon to serve as Chuckler-in-Chief. And so on and so forth.

So we wonder: What is so amusing about the fact that one of our political parties has been taken hostage by inept racists and haters who would rather see government fail than serve the American people? Why is it hilarious that the Republican establishment has not only allowed but enabled it? Sorry, but we don't get it. Include us out.

This is serious stuff, folks. Our country needs to function. And unless we Democrats — who believe in government and in enacting sound legislation that lifts all boats — can win the White House and get the Congress back, we don't see how it will. We cats HISS.

Memo To House Republicans: "YOU'RE NEXT!"

By Miss Kubelik

We cats would pay a lot to see the look on Nancy Pelosi's face when she heard the news that Kevin "The Boob" McCarthy was dropping out of the race for Speaker of the House. Did anyone take cellphone video? Please say yes!

Because for the umpteenth time since January 2011, the Republicans have proved themselves incapable of — well, of anything. They certainly can't count. And gee, we Democrats never had these problems when we were in charge. Think of all the stuff we got done: The stimulus package (which, by the way, saved the nation from another Great Depression), healthcare reform, financial reform, ethics reform, the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," the Lily Ledbetter Act... shall we go on?

And under the Republicans: zip, zilch, nada. Except obstruction and chaos. We sincerely hope that their lack of legislative accomplishment doesn't get lost in all the breathless coverage today. Their institutional idiocy is on top of their neglect of the nation's best interest. It's one of many sins, not their only one.

So, when Kevin "The Boob" McCarthy praises the House Republicans and says that it's time for a "new face," we cats ask, why? Why do you guys need somebody new if you've been doing such a bang-up job for the American people in the first place? Please explain. In the meantime, we cats shake our heads at your utter incompetence, and we HISS.

(IMAGE: The "other" Kevin McCarthy, the one who was decidedly not a boob, in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.)

A Message From Kevin McCarthy (Iowa Version)

We cats love everything about this video — but especially the Monty Python music. It makes us PURR.

True Twits

By Zamboni

Why do Republicans think that gunfights are like something out of the movies?

We cats have never even gotten near a gun, which probably accounts for at least eight of our nine long lives. Our philosophy? Steer clear, stay safe. But as America's never-ending mass shootings, countless gang killings and umpteen family murders have shown, sometimes you get close to a weapon even when you don't want to be. 'Cuz somebody sticks it in your face.

Yet despite our total inexperience, we know damn well that faced with a James Holmes or an Adam Lanza or a Chris Harper Mercer, nobody's suddenly going to turn into John Wayne and drop the bad guy in his tracks.

Which means that idiot pediatric neurosurgeon Ben Carson's idea that kindergarten teachers should have guns in class is ridiculous. Even crazier is his suggestion that the victims at Umpqua Community College in Oregon are somehow to blame for allowing this Harper Mercer guy to shoot them. It's not only an insult to grieving families, it's dumb.

How would all this fighting back that Carson recommends work, exactly? Would kindergarten teachers wear their firearms? No, Carson said, they should be locked in a desk drawer. So, if a gunman bursts into a classroom and starts firing, then.... does the teacher have time to unlock the drawer, load her weapon, and fire back? Um, no. Ben has clearly seen way too many celluloid shootouts and has confused them with reality. We hope he didn't watch too many doctor shows on TV before operating.

Same deal with the Umpqua victims whom Carson has so blithely slandered. But get this: Turns out that Oregon is one of the many states that allows concealed-carry, so the professor and students whom Harper Mercer attacked would have been legally permitted to pack heat to class. Nevertheless, they're all dead. As Sarah Palin would say, how's that CCW law workin' for ya?

Long story short, putting more guns in the hands of civilians is no solution. Making them harder to buy without background checks is. And it would be really nice if Republicans would stop their adolescent fantasies, and quit maligning the murdered and the bereaved. We're talking to you, too, Bobby Jindal. We cats HISS.

Divided, Not United?

By Baxter

We cats have been screaming so long about how Stephen Harper and his "Progressive Conservatives" are the Canadian version of George W. Bush/Dick Cheney/Karl Rove/Ari Fleischer that we're sure you faithful readers are tired of it. But the Tories keep proving our point!

Not only is Harper singling out niqab-wearing immigrant women as a yooooooooge issue in this month's federal election — now he's oh-so-conveniently revoked the citizenship of a Jordanian who was long ago hauled off to the hoosegow for a 2006 terrorist plot.

That is, Harper has taken away the guy's Canadian half, because Hoosegow Harry held dual citizenship — as so many immigrants in Canada do. This has all happened thanks to a repulsive new law known as C-24, which targets dual citizens who do nasty things, and which the Tory government conveniently pushed through (and exercised) in this highly charged political year.

Gosh! Raising the specter of terrorism to win an election? Who would do that?!?

Thankfully, the media and Harper's electoral opponents have cried foul on all this. Dual-citizenship holders say they feel like second-class Canadians. Pundits point out that citizenship is a right, not a privilege. And the most memorable sound bite so far is Justin Trudeau's. The Supreme Court may decide if the Charter of Rights and Freedoms cancels out any divisive law that Stephen Harper wants to exploit for his political gain.

But will Canadians let him? We cats have bad memories of Americans succumbing to fearmongering like this. We hope that they'll see through Harper's attempts to divide and conquer, and toss him and the Tories out on their butts in two weeks. That would make us PURR.

Now It's REALLY Time For Harper To Go

By Sniffles

Stephen Harper thinks he's going to ride to re-election in Canada on the "issue" of the niqab.

Yep, somehow — despite the country's current recession and all the other struggles that Canadian families are having every day — whether or not a woman wears or doffs her religious veil during a new-citizen swearing-in ceremony has allegedly lifted the Tories in recent polls.

We cats would like to point out how disgusting this is. First, new Canadian citizens are required by law to confirm their identities prior to any public ceremonies. Second, as we've argued before, open, pluralistic democracies should be able to tolerate silly dress. (Just look at the Tea Party.) Third,  this is a dog whistle engineered by a right wing desperate to turn the conversation away from the issues that really matter. So we hope that Canadians will not succumb.

How, though? In a parliamentary system with at least three major political parties, how can the True North keep Stevie from squeaking through? Answer: Only if those who oppose him refuse to stay in their ideological corners and cast their votes on October 19 as anti-Harper rather than pro-anybody-else.

To that end, we respectfully propose adding a new verse to Tony Turner's big election hit, "Harperman." We hope that since our favorite mild-mannered Environment Canada scientist has decided to retire from the civil service rather than suffer the government's drawn-out "investigation" into his political activity, he'll have the chance to endorse our lyrics. Thanks for your consideration, Tony! We cats PURR.

How can we get ride of Steve?
Harperman, Harperman
What can we do to make him leave?
Harperman, Harperman
Cast our votes strategically
Liberal or NDP
Harperman, it's time for you to go!

Campaign Surveillance: No Joyride

By Miss Kubelik

There's a lot of delicious political news to chew on this morning, but one of our favorites is this: A video tracker from Jeb! Bush's ridiculously named Super PAC, "Right to Rise," got kicked out of a Rubio event in Iowa last night.

They're spying on Baby Marco! We thought Republican trackers were just supposed to shadow Democrats. (And vice versa.) But in the unruly mob that passes for the GOP these days, anything goes.

We cats just have three questions.

Jeb! yammers constantly about campaigning with "joy" in his heart. How does video tracking a fellow Republican (and alleged protege) qualify as "joy"?

Jeb! also says that he's willing "to lose the primary to win the general election." How is video tracking Baby Marco all about losing the primary?

Finally, will any member of the lamebrain pundit class ask these questions of the man they're so reluctant to declassify as the "front runner"? We cats HISS.

Is Frankie FUBAR?

By Zamboni

Is there any bigger political goof than Kevin "The Boob" McCarthy's unforced error about Benghazi the other night? Well, the alleged meeting between Pope Frankie and Kentucky's most famous homophobic county clerk might qualify.

We totally don't know, of course, but we like to think that this is driving Frankie crazy.

Think about it: His trip to America came off impeccably. He and his little Fiat charmed the nation (well, except for Hispanic-hating teabags who think he's a socialist), and we all just melted whenever he got within two feet of a special-needs kid or disabled person. (We cats admit we found that touching, too.) He made all the right moves: Lunching with the homeless, doing a better mea culpa with priest-abuse victims, and most important, soft-pedaling abortion and gay marriage in favor of immigration, income inequality and climate change. This must have totally frustrated wild-eyed religious nut cases like Fat Mike Huckabee. Fun!

So what happens? No sooner does he get back home than the Kim Davis news hits, and the world throws up on it.

Frankie is such a canny politician that this seems seriously out of step. And the details are murky. Who proposed the meeting and when? Why was it Davis's weirdly named attorney who broke the story, and not the Vatican? Why is the Vatican being so cagey about confirming or denying? It's like a terrorist attack that no one's claiming credit for.

So, we're fascinated. After all, did we ever doubt that Pope Francis is against gay people getting hitched? Of course he is, and he can go jump in the lake about that. But we don't really care — not just because marriage equality in America is a done deal, but because if Frankie can shame the world into tackling global warming, at least we know there'll be a lake left to jump into. So we cats turn the other cheek, HISSing and PURRing at the same time.

UPDATE: Maybe Frankie isn't FUBAR yet. He's just distanced himself from the Kim confab, which we cats think is more delicious than a plateful of fresh mice. Look for right-wing balloons to be deflated, and somebody in the Vatican to get quietly reassigned. Time to PURR.