If We Cats Could Curl Up In A Chair Next To Your Hospital Bed, We Would

We cats are spending a quiet New Year's Eve at home, relaxing and savoring the events of 2012. But tonight our thoughts turn to Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. We wish you a speedy recovery, Madam Secretary, and a deservedly restful 2013!

A Quickie: Separated At Birth?

By Baxter

As President Obama's first term draws to a close, and with his second one soon to dawn, we cats are thinking back on the last couple of years. And we're struck by how much two losers — Willard Mitt Romney and former BP CEO Tony Hayward — have in common.

They both presided over disasters — one natural, one unnatural.

They both spent a ton of money in a fruitless pursuit: trying to convince people that they cared.

They both suffered from an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and felt that their respective journeys were all about them.

They both screwed up with disastrous video appearances.

Best of all: They both have their lives back.

Worried About The 2 Percent (Milk, That Is)

By Zamboni

If you think that the current gang on Capitol Hill is making the 80th "Do-Nothing" Congress look like industrious worker bees, you're right. It's caught the pundits' attention that the 112th Congress has passed the fewest bills since — well, since the 104th, back in 1995-96.

Hmmm. We cats wonder who was in control of those Congresses? You'll never guess! (Answers below.)

Republicans just continue to prove that people who don't believe in government are lousy at doing it. For example, nearly lost in all the fiscal-cliff hand wringing is the fact that the latest farm bill, which has always passed in five-year increments without much fanfare, is also stuck in the mud of GOP intransigence and, unpassed, threatens to make all our pocketbooks explode.

"Progress stopped when House Republican leadership refused to allow floor debate on the [current proposed] package even with [a] promise of tens of billions of savings over the next decade," POLITICO reports.

We cats just can't understand it. The GOP's in charge, most representatives from farm states are Republicans, and it's in their interest to pass it. But, like so many other pressing matters that the Republicans hold hostage to obstreperousness, it's going nowhere.

This Congress — and specifically, this House — is an embarrassment. Thanks to their incompetence, soon we'll all have to pay $8 for a gallon of milk. Which makes us cats HISS.

(ANSWERS: 80th Congress: Republicans, both chambers. 104th Congress: Republicans, both chambers. 112th Congress: Republicans, House of Representatives. Surprise!)

Christmas In Connecticut

By Miss Kubelik

Having just returned from La Belle Province, we cats must bid everyone joyeuses fetes, and a soon-to-be Happy New Year. How wonderful to be spending the holidays without the specter of a Willard Presidency looming over us.

We also should report how pleased we were to be out of the country in the immediate aftermath of the Newtown-gun-control-Wayne-LaPierre-meltdown thing. It was a relief to be able to enter restaurants, movies, shops and museums in Montreal without worrying about who might be packing heat.

What does amuse us, however, is the hue and cry over The Journal-News's online posting of a gun-owner database in Connecticut. We cats heartily endorse this publication, and wish it were available in our area. It would be nice to know which one of our neighbors could blow us away if we have a disagreement over, say, birds getting killed at our respective backyard feeders.

It also strikes us as hilarious that gun owners feel their privacy has been violated. First — if they own weapons, what are they worried about? Second — how likely is it that these are the same people who posted, or approved of posting, abortion providers' names and addresses online?

Since we cats see the irony, we PURR.

Republican Senators From Idaho: Drunken Gay Mormons

By Sniffles

What is it about Idaho? Is it the mountains, the potatoes, the fact that Ernest Hemingway committed suicide there?

Whatever it is, Idaho has had some bad luck with its Senators lately. First, Larry Craig gets caught playing footsie with an undercover cop in an airport men's room. Now, the unfortunately named "Mike Crapo" has been arrested for drunk driving in Alexandria, Virginia.

Okay, so this recent incident is interesting. We cats didn't know that Mormons like "Crapo" could possibly get in trouble with strong drink. See, in one of the earlier of our nine lives, we had a boss who was a Mormon, and he wouldn't even order a pot of coffee for an 8 AM staff meeting. So what's with this DUI?

For that matter, what is "Crapo" doing in Washington so close to Christmas? Why isn't he home in Idaho Falls with the family? We cats suspect that there's a whole lot more to this story than we currently know, and we just hope that the media won't be too busy with lazy end-of-the-year wrap-ups to do a little digging.

Well, off to our holiday revels. Before we go, though, we must correct our headline to note that Larry Craig is not Mormon but a Methodist. And oh, by the way, he's also on the board of the National Rifle Association. Which we find way more disturbing than being gay.

If You're Going To Rail Against Affirmative Action, You'd Better Be Competent Yourself

By Baxter

We cats want to know why Republicans keep giving white men these important jobs. Like Speaker of the House.

Hot on the heels of stories about Willard Mitt Romney's mismanagement of his Presidential campaign, John Boehner suffers an unprecedented public humiliation at the hands of his own GOP caucus — over which, by the way, he has never had control.

This is the same John Boehner who was supposed to be a breath of fresh air after the allegedly difficult and temperamental Nancy Pelosi. Well, it turns out that Pelosi was a master — healthcare reform wouldn't have passed without her, for example — while Boehner, Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy cannot even count.

On the one hand, what can we expect? You can hardly be good at governing when you hate government itself. On the other hand, the Republicans' rush to set themselves up for failure still is pretty stunning.

We cats would be PURRING in glee, except for the fact that Boehner's incompetence leaves the country only days away from the fiscal cliff. And here we thought white males were only dangerous with assault weapons in their hands.

Our New Plan For Gun Control

By Zamboni

It always astounds us cats that the right-wing teabagger types are indignant about alleged infringements on one Constitutional right, but perfectly happy to have the hated government play buttinsky when it comes to another Constitutional right sanctioned by the Supreme Court in January 1973.

But on the other hand, their lack of logic could be downright inspiring. Check this out.

Want to buy a gun? Okay — but here's what you have to do.

First, you're only allowed to buy at certain specified and highly regulated Firearms Distribution Centers, which are in incredibly inconvenient places located hours and hours away (sometimes, in fact, in another state).

Then, when you arrive at the FDC, you must run a gantlet of anti-gun protesters shoving posters of bloody corpses in your face and pleading with you not to go through with it.

Once inside, you have to submit to a series of embarrassing questions as well as a completely unnecessary and invasive physical procedure — say, a test to see if you can properly shoot a gun with a probe stuck up an orifice — after which you'll be made to pay a couple of hundred dollars out of your own pocket for the privilege of undergoing that procedure. (Cash only, no credit cards or checks accepted.)

At the same time, photos of dead bodies — for example, people gunned down in gang wars, domestic disputes, or Connecticut elementary schools — will flash on a screen off to the side. Of course, this is not at all an imposition, because you'll always have the option of looking away.

After this, you'll be escorted into a waiting room, where you'll have to submit to about an hour of "counseling" from Brady Campaign representatives, who will try to get you to change your mind.

Finally, after all the probing, poking, hurdles and hassles, you'll be forced to wait 24, 48 or 72 hours before being allowed to finally buy your gun. And it won't matter if burglars are breaking into your home at that very minute. You'll still have to wait.

Sound good, right wingers?

Disarmed

By Miss Kubelik

When we cats were kittens, we read Senator Daniel Inouye's surprisingly engaging autobiography, Journey to Washington. Not because he was particularly famous at the time (the Watergate hearings had yet to happen), but because his story as a Japanese-American soldier in World War II was such a compelling one.

To this day, we remember the following scene: Inouye, lying in a hospital bed after battle, minus one arm, asks a nurse for a cigarette. He assumes she'll take one out and light it for him. Instead, she tosses him the pack and a box of matches and lets him fend for himself. Cursing her the whole time, Inouye finally extracts a butt with one hand and somehow manages to strike a match.

Thanks to that nurse, Senator Inouye learned that as an amputee, he would have to figure out how to do stuff for himself. After all, it was the 1940s. There was no ADA back then.

We cats believe that Americans who have served, and who have given an arm or a leg or more to their country, deserve a little more accommodation. So as Capitol Hill prepares to honor Inouye tomorrow with a lying-in-state, let's all remember what Senate Republicans did to the UN treaty on the disabled.

Tidbits and Cat Treats: Republicans Are Anti-Choice So That Babies Can Be Born And Shot Later Edition

By Sniffles

We cats are so disgusted and appalled at what happened in Newtown, Connecticut on Friday that it's taken us a couple of days to wrap our furry heads around it. But this morning, we have a few thoughts. (Most of them angry.) Here we go:

Unlike those idiot parents in Aurora who brought a baby to a midnight movie, the children of Newtown were where they were supposed to be — in school, learning. Sometimes, there just are no words.

Chalk up 26 more bodies on the kill list of the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived, who back in 2004 allowed the assault weapons ban to expire.

Speaking of which, if this incident had been an act of international terrorism, we'd not only be moving heaven and earth to keep it from happening again — we'd be restricting a hell of a lot of Constitutional rights to do so.

We cats can't imagine how the first responder or police official — a public employee, no doubt — who had to inform Newtown parents that their children were killed will avoid intensive PTSD therapy for the rest of his or her life.

So Louie Gohmert (R-TX) believes the Sandy Hook principal should have had a gun. Why do these moronic Republicans think that life is like the movies?

Good for Democratic Senator Dianne Feinstein, for vowing to introduce a new assault weapons ban. We don't expect any miracles, but we need to get all the gun nuts on the record.

And by the way, not a single pro-gun Republican Senator had the guts to go on the Sunday shows yesterday. Cowards!

Then again, perhaps they sense that the tables have turned. Even somebody on Free Republic, our favorite corner of the paranoid right-wing universe, posted this: "We must have more laws against guns. [Lanza] simply ignored about 20 laws and still went ahead with his plan." NRA, you are on notice.

And finally, to any Republican who has criticized teachers, we cats dump our dirty litter boxes over your head, in your breakfast, and in every single one of your dresser drawers. Although what we'd really like to do is punch you in the face.

Baby Killers

A Solution To The Conundrum

By Baxter

Like perhaps the majority of clear-thinking Americans, we cats are sick and tired of the National Rifle Association and others on the right who freak out at the slightest suggestion of gun control (or semiautomatic weapon control or cop-killer bullet control or bullet-proof vest control). In their eyes, yesterday Adam Lanza was simply exercising his sacred Second Amendment rights.

So we cats have a proposal: Let's take a page from Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas and the other strict constructionists lurking among us. Let's protect only those weapons that Americans used when the U.S. Constitution was written in 1787.

That's it. The Second Amendment stands. Gun rights are preserved. But no Glock pistols, no AK-47s, no Sig Sauer handguns, no Bushmaster .223 M4 carbines. No little kids and U.S. Congresswomen and midnight movie fans and Sikh worshipers getting mowed down for no reason at all.

Works for us.

Nestled All Snug In Our Laundry Baskets

When we cats take off for French-speaking points north for the holidays, the humans do all the driving. Which leaves us lots of time for visions of cat treats dancing in our heads. 

Mais n'avez-pas peur, nos amis! We will post from Montreal when we can — perhaps with some juicy updates on Trudeaumania 2012.

Got a Republican Congressman? Here's What To Write Him About The Fiscal Cliff!

By Zamboni

Yes, we cats know that we used the term "Congressman" in our headline. But that's because out of the 241 GOP members of the current US House of Representatives, we counted only 18 women. So if you're represented by a Republican, chances are he's a guy.

But never mind, on to business. We Obama supporters know that Americans should speak up and contact their elected officials about the fiscal cliff. To that end, those of us who have the bad luck to live in Republican districts have been calling and e-mailing our representatives — telling them to stop protecting the Sheldon Adelsons of the world and do something for the middle class.

We hope you will, too. And if you're stuck for what to write or say, no worries! Here's a handy script you can use:

"Dear Republican Member of Congress:

"If you and the leaders of your caucus drive this nation's government and economy over a cliff in the next few weeks, Americans will never, ever vote for the GOP again. For any office. There is simply no good reason not to raise taxes on Rush Limbaugh, Mitt and Ann Romney, Karl Rove, Ed Gillespie and all the others with ultra-high incomes.

"The kinds of budget cuts that your party is discussing will not help the economy — in fact, they will put the country back into recession. George W. Bush's budget deficits aren't the problem. The debt limit is not the problem. Lack of stimulus and Republican intransigence are.

"The time to act like an American is now. The time to act like a rigid ideologue in service to Charles and David Koch is over.

"What will you do?"

(PHOTO: The Missive Maven)

Look For The Unions To Be Libeled

By Miss Kubelik

Re the alleged punching of a FOX "News" reporter in Michigan, we cats just want to know: Why would a journalist try to keep people from tearing down a Koch brothers tent in the first place?

Oh — because he's not a real journalist. Of course!

Making A List, Checking It Twice, Putting Themselves Out Of Business

By Sniffles

We cats are planning to have a happy holiday season: The Ghost of a Romney Presidency Yet to Come is not hanging over our furry heads.

Republicans, however, probably won't be having the merriest of Christmases. When they're not stonewalling the White House on the fiscal cliff, they're very busy trying to figure out what went wrong for them in 2012.

This may or may not be a fruitful enterprise. One comment from a nameless GOP operative has caught our eye: "2010 was the biggest midterm win for one party since the 1938 election. Our ideas still resonate."

Um, no, they don't. If they ever did. We cats believe that the 2010 electorate didn't quite know what they were voting for — and having seen the train wreck that the last two years has been on Capitol Hill, they've decided they've had quite enough, thank you.

And what has struck us most this year, not just during the election itself but in the jaw-dropping actions of Republicans since, is how many Americans for whom the GOP has active contempt: Workers, women, the unemployed, the middle class, Hispanics, immigrants, the disabled, African-Americans, gays and lesbians, those who speak English as a second language, young people, Jewish people, other non-Christians... the list may go on, because it's such a long one we fear we've left someone out.

In short, the Republicans don't seem to like anyone who isn't Willard Mitt Romney. And we all know how that turned out.

Unless the GOP wakes up and realizes that their policies are the problem, and won't be solved by some lame attempts at face diversity, we're looking at the possible extinction of a political party. Which believe it or not, doesn't necessarily make us cats PURR.

Worst. Ever.

By Baxter

As the 112th Congress hurtles self-destructively to its close, we cats were wondering if there were any Congresses worse than this one.

At first we thought maybe the 111th, because it boasted that despicable "You lie!" episode. But then we remembered that the 111th was the Congress that passed the stimulus, Wall Street reform, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, the repeal of DODT and healthcare reform — and a ton of other good stuff.

This Congress? Not so much.

Not only did the embarrassing 112th fritter away their time reading the Constitution and pushing the country to brink of default — under the leadership of (who else?) the Republicans in the House, this current Congress failed to clear almost every bar it set for itself.

Republicans in the 112th had a clearly stated goal when they came to D.C.: Make Barack Obama a one-term President. Their second goal: Enshrine the Tea Party as the natural, national governing party.

Whoops — they sorta lost.

What's more, Congressional Republicans had no influence in picking their party's standard bearer in what should have been a gimme Presidential election. They failed. Their candidate failed. Their party failed.

Undeterred by its repudiation at the polls, the Capitol Hill GOP now has doubled down on its diversity problem by appointing only white males to chair their House committees. Looking at those guys is to look at an America that never really existed, but the Republicans cling to that fantasy — um, shall we say bitterly?

And of course, the UN disabled treaty vote was the piece de resistance.

Yep, add all that nonsense to their anti-Obama obstructionism, and you wonder how the economy — not to mention the country — would be faring today if the Republicans of the 112th had simply behaved like the patriots they claim to be.

We cannot wait until they're history. In the meantime, we cats HISS.

Tidbits and Cat Treats: Money and Morals Edition

By Zamboni

The holidays are indeed upon us, and we cats have a whirlwind week before hitting the road for northern climes. But we couldn't help pausing to muse on the following stories in the news.

Looks like the Republicans went back on their word and dropped more than three-quarters of a million bucks on Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin's hopeless campaign for Senate last month. As Democrats, we cats say: Thank goodness they squandered that money in Missouri — and not in North Dakota or Montana or Wisconsin! (Why are they so stupid?)

Speaking of money spent late in the campaign, it appears that casino mogul Sheldon Adelson wasted a cool $10 million on Willard Mitt Romney just before Willard went down to ignominious defeat. Which makes us grin like Cheshire cats. But we wonder why Republicans give Sheldon — who makes all his money from sin — such a pass on family values. And why reporters don't ask them about that.

It seems like only yesterday that folks were speculating whether Paul Ryan, defeated for Vice President but re-elected by his constituents in Wisconsin, would eschew returning to Congress and burnish his pre-2016 reputation in think-tank world instead. Well, guess what, Paul? The Heritage Foundation has decided you're too damaged for them. Sorry!

Now that the Supreme Court has agreed to hear two cases on marriage equality, we cats just have one question: For whom did Ted Olson vote for President this year?

Finally, Charlie Crist has become a Democrat. Oh, gosh, that segue from gay marriage was another total coincidence.

Loving Couples Take Out Marriage Licenses In Washington State — Freepers Erupt

On our owners' wedding anniversary (which is a total but satisfying coincidence), we cats are heartened to see the first gay couples stepping up to get their marriage licenses in Washington State — including one of our faves, Dan Savage, and his partner, Terry Miller.

Our teabagger right-wing pals over at Free Republic, however, are hoping in shock and dismay that God will smite Washington State with more volcanic eruptions — literal fire and brimstone.

Sorry, Freeps. You're yesterday's news, and we cats PURR.

"His Mother Believed That If You Wanted to Hear Music, You Should Play It"

“One of the reasons I believe in jazz is that the oneness of man can come through the rhythm of your heart. It’s the same anyplace in the world, that heartbeat. It’s the first thing you hear when you’re born — or before you’re born — and it’s the last thing you hear.”

—Dave Brubeck

Woe Is Willard: Going Slumming Edition

By Miss Kubelik

Because of their disastrously inaccurate polls and a general feeling of entitlement, Willard and Ann Romney had hoped to be shopping for furniture for the White House by now. Instead, in the wake of their decisive loss, they just indulged in a spree at.... Costco.

"Besides the paper plates, Dixie cups, wrapping paper, V8 juice drinks, pretzel snacks, Bisquick and bottled water....Mitt and his wife Ann also purchased a model car made by the Maisto company (probably a gift for one of his 18 grandkids....sorry for spoiling Xmas)."

We cats have questions for Willard. Does he know that Costco is a Democratic company? Does he know that the Costco CEO spoke at the Democratic National Convention? That he pays his staff at above-market rates and provides generous health insurance benefits? Does he know that the CEO of Costco also supports Obamacare? And that Joe Biden just visited a Costco in D.C.? Does Willard know that Costco is headquartered in deep-blue Washington State?

Why, or why not, did Willard not pay back his friends in Benton, Arkansas, and go to Sam's Club?

We cats can hear the Freepers screaming now. Which makes us PURR.

Dissing The Disabled

By Sniffles

When we cats flew from Chicago to Washington Dulles this past weekend, an unusually large number of wheelchair-bound passengers were on our plane. One was a military veteran with two artificial legs. How did we know he was a vet? The back of his wheelchair had "Purple Heart Recipient" embroidered on it.

Only today did we realize that those folks were probably all heading to Washington to see the Senate ratify a UN treaty to ban discrimination against the disabled. If so, then, too bad for them: In spite of their presence, and that of former Senator Bob Dole, the Senate rejected the treaty 61-38.

Voting against Dole were several Republican geezers who had served with him: John Kyl, Dan Coats, Charles Grassley, Mitch McConnell, Olympia Snowe, Thad Cochran, James Inhofe, Kay Bailey Hutchison and Orrin Hatch. Both Republican Senators from Kansas voted against Dole. Cochran switched his vote from "yes" to "no" after he saw the treaty going down to defeat.

This makes us cats hack up a hairball. The Republicans are so scared of their right wing that they can't even vote for a harmless treaty in front of a gallery full of people in wheelchairs — even when their former party standard bearer, who is practically dead, begs them to.

Need we remind everyone that Bob Dole was the Republicans' Presidential and their Vice Presidential nominee, as well as their Senate Majority Leader? That it was Dole who gave the GOP that wonderful phrase "Democrat wars"? How in the world could they turn him down?

We cats can only hope that these cowardly Republican Senators someday find out what it's like to try to board an airplane with a wheelchair or a scooter or two artificial legs. For now, we dump our dirty litter boxes over their heads.

Election? What Election?

By Baxter

So David Frum, who is selling an e-book, has decided he's frantically worried about all the serious stuff President Obama will have to handle as, well, President — and that no other Chief Executive has ever had to handle such crises before!

This is ridiculous. As we said, David Frum is peddling something, so that means he turns up on all the shows we care about and, then, pens laughingly hyper articles for websites like The Daily Beast.

We cats ask: When has an American President not been dealing with "turmoil on the horizon"? Will the Beast start running breaking news stories such as: "Pope Is Lifelong Catholic"? "Republicans Criticize Taxes"? "Business Leaders Decry Regulation"? "Super Bowl MVP Credits Teammates For Win"?

Americans — outside of the 30-percent, far-right fringe, of course — have demonstrated that they're more than willing to give President Obama a fair shot, and not hold him responsible for things he cannot reasonably control. So it sounds to us like Frum is singing from the same old Republican hymnal — the one dictating that Barack Obama must be blamed for everything.

How tired. How lazy. How boring. We cats HISS (in between yawns).

Woe Is Willard: Make Yourself Useful Edition

By Zamboni

The apres-defeat Schadenfreude Festival continues: The Washington Post reports today that Willard Mitt Romney, adrift after losing an election he foolishly thought he would win, is trying to fill his unexpectedly empty days.

"Romney’s rapid retreat into seclusion has been marked by repressed emotions, second-guessing and, perhaps for the first time in the overachiever’s adult life, sustained boredom," the Post avers.

All righty, then! If Willard is bored, we cats have a few suggestions for him:

• Go on another Mormon mission — this time, to a country less glamorous than France.
• Travel the country on an "Official Mitt Romney Apology Tour To The 47 Percent."
• Volunteer in New Jersey for Hurricane Sandy relief.
• Join the military (finally!).
• Refile his tax returns and take his full deductions so he can pay less than 14 percent.
• Read all the binders full of women that his transition team prepared for him.
• Shock shelves at Staples. It's the holiday season — they could probably use the extra help.
• Deliver Papa John's pizzas. Maybe they'd let him include a flyer with each pizza that says, "Because you didn't vote for me, this pizza is costing you 15 extra cents."
• Since he once proudly touted his Michigan birth certificate, do gardening work for whichever Republican candidate he'll support in 2016.
• Start a tattoo-removal business.
• Design airplanes with windows that open.
• Work at a shopping mall, wrapping gifts. 

(IMAGE: The home page of Willard's transition website — the cyber-equivalent of a McGovern-Eagleton button.)

A Quickie: Not Far From The Tree

The First Family received the White House Christmas tree the other day. When we cats look at the Obama daughters, we're reminded of what Scarlett O'Hara said to the Tarleton Twins:

"I can never decide which of the two of you is the handsomer. I was awake all last night, thinking about it."

Zerbanity

By Miss Kubelik

We cats are traveling today. Specifically, we are spending time in America's Dairyland. And we just want to put on the record that the first bumper sticker we saw in the state of Wisconsin today was for Rob Zerban — Paul Ryan's Congressional opponent.

Paul Ryan is, of course, one of those recently appointed, all-white-male, Republican committee chairs. But it's good to know that the entire Badger State is not behind him.

Sore Loserman

By Sniffles

We cats only have one regret about Election 2012: that the names "Romney-Ryan" don't lend themselves to parody the way "Gore-Lieberman" did in 2000. Back then, the Republicans accused us of a certain lack of graciousness about, um, "not winning."

Now, fast-forward to today, and without even a lick of irony, the GOP is beside itself that Barack Obama decisively won not one but two Presidential elections. (The Worst Person Who's Ever Lived, they should recall, only won one — by a whisker.)

They're inconsolable. They've whined about everything from hurricanes to Chris Christie to their candidate ("He was too conservative!" "No, he wasn't conservative enough!"). Now, three weeks later to the day, here's their latest: Obama stole 2012!

The Republicans are so pathetically jumping the shark that we cats were just going to roll our eyes and go back to sleep — until we heard that Virginia's own attorney general was joining in. So allow us to have a few words with our not-so-dear Ken Cootchie-Hootchie-Nelly.

First, General Cootchy, get this through your thick skull: There was no voter fraud in the Old Dominion. None. We cats know this, not only because we are smarter than you, but because we were there. We memorized the voting rules of the road (which are quite stringent here, as you know), took them to the polls, and spent 15 hours watching 1,754 Virginians cast ballots in our precinct alone.

Everyone who was entitled to vote did so. Only a handful were turned away, and all for the right reasons (like being in the wrong place). So your allegation that fraud occurred is a vile slur not only on the voters we observed but on the elections officials themselves — fine public servants who worked a nearly 24-hour day, and half of whom, you should remember, were Republicans.

Second, General Cootchy, you might think to blame Willard's loss in Virginia on the fact that he didn't have a primary here in the spring. With only Romney and Ron Paul collecting the necessary 10,000 signatures to get on the Virginia ballot, the contest was a non-event — costing Romney an important opportunity to hone his ground game for the fall.

And who dropped his initial push to change that 10,000-signature rule, after Gingrich and Santorum went to court? Why Mr. Cootchy, we believe it was you.

Better open your umbrella, Cootch. Because we cats are about to dump our dirty litter box on your head.

Tidbits and Cat Treats: No Snow Edition

By Baxter

Washington, D.C. and its environs can relax — it looks like we won't get tomorrow's threatened snow. Which is fine with us cats, because we have to travel this week. (However, it can snow all it wants between December 2 and December 13. Weather gods, you've been notified.)

Meanwhile, the following news items have gotten our attention.

We cats think we love Thomas Ricks, and we're wondering how we can get on FOX "News," too. Think Roger Ailes would let us?

Willard Mitt Romney has officially hit 47 percent of the vote! Not only that, but his La Jolla home with the car elevator is right near Bird Poop Central! We applaud coincidences, irony and schadenfreude — 100 percent.

Did you know women aren't women any more because they're angry? Neither did we. But we can only assume that the Phyllis Schlafly relative who's peddling that tripe has visited Free Republic.

Finally, on that note, we have bad news for Jeb! Bush: The Freepers hate you, bud. See, they think you're not only a RINO, but you — are you ready for this? — "refused to save the life of Terri Schiavo."

Hm. The way we remember it, not only was Ms. Schiavo already brain dead, you and the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived and Tom DeLay and Bill Frist insisted on poking the government's nose in a family's private medical business. But then, you Republicans are perfectly happy to invade American bedrooms and doctor offices, aren't you? We cats HISS.

You Can't Blame Us For Feeling Angerous

By Zamboni

Despite its allusion to little birds, we cats are not really into Twitter. (Not enough hours in the day, don'tcha know.) But we would have been tempted to join in if we'd known what was happening on Thursday.

Tweets flew thick and fast over Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade host Matt Lauer's mispronunciation of "'S Wonderful." (No, Matt, ess not good.)

We of course weren't watching, because we hate the Thanksgiving Day parade (unless it's the first few minutes of "Miracle on 34th Street.") And besides, we're boycotting Macy's because of the Trump thing.

But there's something absolutely delicious about zillions of Gershwin fans taking the loathsome Mr. Lauer to task. And we have a suggestion for his continued punishment. From now on, every time he interviews guests on that silly "Today" show, they should say stuff to him like:

"Thank you, Matt, it's 's wonderful to be here."

"Matt, that's a 's marvelous question, and I'm glad you asked it."

"It was 's awful nice of you to have me."

And if NBC and the other big media companies would be willing to stop paying idiots like Matt Lauer huge salaries that they do not earn, we cats think that would be, well, 's paradise.

Leadership = Servanthood

By Miss Kubelik

This Thanksgiving Day, we cats are grateful for many things — President Obama's re-election foremost among them. But we also are grateful for Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Secretary Clinton helped broker the current cease fire in the Gaza Strip. She did that after relentless globe-trotting and little sleep. How she manages to keep her amazing schedule on behalf of the United States, we haven't a clue. We're just thankful that she does it.

There's no doubt that Hillary Clinton has proved herself one of the greatest Secretaries of State in our lifetimes — and since we're cats, that's a lot of lifetimes. But what we admire her for the most is this: Despite the slings and arrows she's endured throughout her career, she has never allowed any of it to distract her from serving her country.

Once, many years ago, we cats had the privilege of meeting her. It was on a rope line, and we had just a quick shot at saying something meaningful. We chose to tell her, "Thank you for your public service." It seemed to strike a chord. We thought she had tears in her eyes when she said thank you back.

If we met Secretary Clinton today, we cats would tell her that she should not only run for President in 2016, she could possibly get close to 400 electoral votes if she did so. But for the sake of the Democratic Party, which we know she cares deeply about, she needs to decide quickly.

So, Madam Secretary, happy Thanksgiving. And as for the future, please accept your accolades, get some rest — and then tell us by early 2014 what's on your mind.

We cats PURR.

And Now, For Someone Completely Different

By Sniffles

Since the brilliant Hillary Rodham Clinton — who pulled off an impressive cease fire in Gaza today — seems determined to leave the State Department for a well-deserved rest, it appears that President Obama is left with an SOS nomination conundrum. Elevate UN Ambassador Susan Rice? Or appoint John Kerry (who then would vacate a Senate seat that Scott Brown might want)?

It's not a decision we cats envy, but we have a few thoughts.

First, we think that John McCain and Lindsay Graham are clowns. We scoff at their faux outrage over Susan Rice — but at the same time, we have no desire to turn the new Secretary's Senate confirmation hearings into a circus of Trumpian proportions.

We also think that Kerry would make a terrific chief diplomat. But the Republicans Swift-Boated him before. What would stop them from doing it again?

Therefore, we suggest to the President that he surprise everybody and appoint a Secretary of State who — as a Republican, a former member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, and a Viet Nam veteran — would carry the necessary international gravitas and take the wind out of the GOP's sails. All at the same time.

Chuck Hagel, keep that cell phone handy!

Freepers Mourn West, Channel 2000

By Baxter

We cats were worried about how our crazy right-wing friends over at Free Republic were handling the news of Allen West's defeat, so we hurried right over there to see.

Unsurprisingly, many are already touting West for President or (with the famous quitter from Alaska at the top of the ticket, of course) Vice President in 2016. But aside from that, the general lament was something along the order of this:

"His seat was stolen, pure and simple and those who aided in this — well, all I can say is God help you!"

"And now all the vote fraud, irregularities and legal violations by St. Lucie county election officials will simply be forgotten."

"It is now up to the people of Florida to demand a recount due to the heinous irregularities that took place."

Does anyone besides us see the irony in this?

Tidbits and Cat Treats: GOP's Bad Week Edition

By Zamboni

It's only Tuesday, but the Republicans are managing to have a horrible week.

Does it just seem like a piling-on because it's a holiday? Or is the GOP in such an awful state that this is the new normal? We cats think we know the answer. In meantime, savor these tasty morsels — all of which happened in the last few days.

Rupert Murdoch announced to the world that he hates Jews.

Rand Paul wants to run for President.

Republicans are still hating on Chris Christie, accomplishing the impossible feat of making themselves look even more heartless and contemptuous than before.

Allen West gave up, leaving Tim Scott as the only black Republican in the House.

The McCain-Graham attacks on Susan Rice have finally started making some key people mad.

Baby Marco Rubio rejected science. (Wait, maybe the GOP thinks this is a good thing.)

Kelsey Grammer got canceled.

Willard Mitt Romney's share of the popular vote might have really, truly, honestly been 47 percent.

Just A Couple of Nobel Peace Prize Winners, Hanging Out Together

We cats kind of wonder why the Administration is getting, like, no credit for the opening of Myanmar. But in the meantime, we PURR.

Cat Fight! Bobby Jindal vs. GOP

By Miss Kubelik

Perhaps seeing an opening for himself for 2016, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has just gone on a tear about how his fellow Republicans have to quit saying "stupid things."

We cats see a couple of problems here.

First, Jindal is only chastising the GOP for their words — not their Neanderthal beliefs or policies. We wonder if Bobby thinks that if Republicans just stop speaking their minds, they can lull voters into forgetting their, say, execrable 2012 platform.

Second, and more important, where was Bobby Jindal when all these "stupid things" were actually being said? Did he condemn them in real time? Or is he merely doing it now because he senses an opportunity?

Where was Bobby Jindal when Republican debate audiences cheered the idea of leaving an uninsured American to die, and booed an American soldier who self-identified as gay? What was Bobby Jindal's reaction when Rush Limbaugh slandered Sandra Fluke, when Newt Gingrich called Barack Obama a "food-stamp President," and when Willard Mitt Romney said that undocumented immigrants should "self-deport"? And we haven't even mentioned Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock yet!

Sorry, Bobby. You can complain now about your party all you want. But if you stood silently by when your fellow Republicans behaved like this, you're just as stupid as they are. We cats HISS.

Signs Of The Times

By Sniffles

In the wake of the disaster that was the Willard Mitt Romney campaign, we cats were prepared to give them credit for one thing they seemed to do well: visibility.

(That's because right after Willard picked the heartless accountant from Wisconsin as his running mate, and came chugging through our quaint Civil War-era town on their kickoff whistle-stop tour, we noticed many Silly Willy yard signs springing up. Particularly in our immediate neighborhood, which was probably a Silly Willy enclave by about two to one.)

But if our good friends at our favorite right-wing, paranoid corner of the Internet, Free Republic, are to be believed, the Romney campaign was not even good at that.

Freeps who resigned themselves to putting up signage for Willard — not because they loved him but because they hatehatehate President Obama — have complained mightily about the bad service they got when they ordered merchandise from the Romney store. Here are some of their most amusing indictments.

"My yard sign shipped the day after the election. The e-mail confirmation was like an extra punch in the gut. I sent a reply for them to keep it since it was no longer needed or wanted, but they must have ignored that message too. I ordered the sign six weeks earlier."

"The items on the [Romney] site were not cheap. It's not like I'm strapped for $$$$, but I do feel ripped off by his campaign and how they treated people."

"I swear I thought this was just me! About six weeks before the election, I ordered a T-shirt and 12 campaign buttons/pins. I never received an e-mail confirmation, so I had no proof I had ordered the items other than my card being charged. I checked the Romney website and there was no good customer service contact, so I ended up e-mailing to just a general e-mail address. I never heard a word back from them!"

"Yes, this is the EXACT same thing that happened to me. I ordered two bumper stickers and two yard signs at the same time in late August. The stickers arrived in early October and the signs never arrived. I did, however, receive massive amounts of mail and numerous phone calls soliciting for donations to the campaign."

"Further evidence that Romney had idiots working for him... Campaign materials not delivered (materials that people PAID FOR), polling software that never worked right, disorganized campaign offices..."

"Why are there so many complaints of poor service by the campaign? Wasn’t Romney lionized as a genius when it came to running businesses?"

"Several items of clothing never showed up, but yard sign came very late. I assumed the fine union workers at the post office had something to do with it, as I wonder if they had anything to do with my absentee ballots missing as well."

"As a legal team volunteer who was basically ignored the entire time and just got endless fundraising e-mails in reply to my e-mails about where to go and what to do, I was not really surprised [Romney] lost. You know what — if he ran his office like he did the internals of the campaign, his Presidency would have been a complete disaster as well."

We cats say, amen. And we PURR.

A Big, Fat Mistake

By Baxter

The week and a half since Election Day 2012 has been one big Schadenfreude Festival. We cats have expected it to wane, but it doesn't. In fact, with stories like this, it just keeps growing — and getting more fun.

But we wouldn't be cats if we didn't berate with disdain that potential 2016er, Chris Christie, for the woeful grammatical error he made today.

“Someone asked me," Christie said, "why did Mitt Romney lose? And I said, because he got less votes than Barack Obama, that’s why.”

That would be "fewer" votes, Governor. Of course, the bigger error goes by the name of Willard Mitt Romney. But don't get us started.

Woe Is Willard: Gifts We Didn't Get Edition

By Zamboni

We cats had absolutely no intention of writing about Willard Mitt Romney again, because — well, for obvious reasons. But in the category of "Just When You Think They Can't Get Any More Repulsive, They Do," Willard's latest whine to his donors about President Obama promising "gifts" to his key constituencies just begs for a retort.

First, Romney's "gifts" rant is proof that the Willard we saw in the 47 percent video is the real Willard. This is a rich and privileged guy who deeply resents his fellow Americans. You just can't get people to elect you President with an attitude like that.

But we must also put on the record that there are a few "gifts" we wish Willard had given us during the campaign. Such as:

• Treating President Obama with more respect.
• Telling the truth.
• Providing the details of his economic plan instead of asking voters to just trust him.
• Publicly reprimanding his creepy son for threatening to punch the President in the face.
• Refusing to tolerate his party's racism, misogyny, homophobia and xenophobia.

 But most of all, we wish that Willard had given us the greatest gift: his tax returns.

Urbane

By Miss Kubelik

So with the Republicans' demographic difficulties — with all their hand-wringing and denial and maybe even some soul searching since their dark, dark day of Tuesday, November 6 — it's not possible that Paul Ryan could have issued a racist dog whistle the other day. Right?

Guess again.

The only imaginable explanation — aside from the possibility that a guy who pretends to wash already-clean soup kitchen dishes is indeed an idiot — is that he meant to imply that we Obama voters are smooth, polished, refined and suave. Because of course, we are.

Lamebrains Bound For Joke Status

By Sniffles

We cats are not attorneys, but we volunteered to serve as poll observers for the Obama campaign on Election Day. As part of the "Lawyers Bound for Justice" (LBJ) team, we were charged with protecting the vote and helping to make sure that everyone who came out to cast a ballot was able to do so.

We're happy to report that in our assigned precinct in Prince William County, Virginia — the epicenter of the epicenter, it turns out — elections officials were diligent, thorough, pleasant, and respectful of voters' rights. It was a long day, but we had to take very little action. When we did, the situations were quickly resolved.

So with this experience under our belts, you can imagine how amused we are by the reports that the Romney voter-protection effort was, um, completely screwed up.

The Romney reporting app failed, but there was so much more than that — which we know from checking our favorite corner of the paranoid right-wing universe, Free Republic. Get a load of these comments from Freepers who were attempting to monitor the polls for Romney last Tuesday.

"They sent out wrong info, never responded to requests, refused to pay for anything at all."

"I will tell you as someone who signed up as a volunteer — even McCain-Palin ran a better campaign internally. I was horrified in the month or two leading up to the election on the legal team efforts. Horrible."

"We got ridiculous e-mails all along that were sort of like fundraising e-mails and offered no direction, no plan, nothing."

"I tried to volunteer, just so frustrated that there was no phone number on the campaign site.... too hard to navigate. Just had to resort to e-mail, which only got me donation letters every day. :("

"Some of us lawyers at first were asked to spend a week in a swing state and asked for airfare to be covered and we would split the hotel costs with each other and go four to a room — and they denied us. Then we got fundraising e-mails from the legal team and offers of a sweepstakes dinner with Ryan or Mitt!"

"There were never E-MAILS ON WHAT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO!"

"I signed up as a volunteer to poll watch, at least six weeks prior to the election, maybe more. Never heard a peep from them."

"Even McCain ran a better campaign as far as the legal team went. WHERE THE F DID ALL THE $$$$$ GO?"

Goodness gracious. We cats wonder: If Willard Mitt Romney is supposed to be such a savvy businessman — why couldn't he properly deploy his poll watchers on Election Day? Axelrod, Plouffe and Messina have run rings around him. Which makes us cats PURR.

(IMAGE: President Johnson signs the Voting Rights Act, 1965.)

They'd Rather Light A Single Candle Than Curse The Darkness

Here is democracy in action in Orange, New Hampshire, on Election Night 2012. The lights failed — so the elections officers counted votes by candlelight.

We cats are happy to report from our sources that President Barack Obama carried Orange (as he did the entire state of New Hampshire). Live free or die, ya'll.

(PHOTO: Dorothy Behlen Heinrichs)

Romneybots In Shock

We cats have one hope: that the people in these pictures (and their compatriots across the country) finally understand that other people don't appreciate having their vote suppressed.

Veterans Day 2012

"Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few."

 —Winston Churchill, August 20, 1940

Woe Is Willard: Deer In The Headlights Edition

By Baxter

Word is trickling out about how "shellshocked" the Romneybots were that they lost on Tuesday. We cats have been reading these stories with great satisfaction but also a little bit of awe. It seems that Willard and his team were suffering from a worse case of TPAW than we thought.

If the "shellshocked" stories are true — and there's always that caveat where the Republicans are concerned — we cats are relieved that people incapable of reading a newspaper won't be running the country come January.

But could the Romney bubble, we wondered, really have been that impenetrable? With all their money, didn't they have pollsters and prognosticators who actually knew stuff? (Example: Many independent voters are former Republicans. That's where that pesky oversampling problem comes in.)

And then it hit us. Of course: Willard Mitt Romney and his creepy family and his strange gaggle of political hacks believed Willy deserved the Presidency. Remember the 47 percent? Think back to Willard's tone in that video and you quickly recall his imperiousness, his contempt, but above all, his sense of entitlement. Which is pretty rich coming from a bunch who sneer about "takers."

We cats PURR that the American people denied this horrible person his grandiose dream. And we aren't even tempted to feel sorry for him. After all the lies that he told about our President — after all the fake soup-kitchen photo ops and phony "storm relief" campaign events, all the "binders full of women" and birth certificate jokes and demonizing half the country — we cats say: Go away, Willard. Now. Forever.

Don't Worry, There's More Where This Guy Came From

By Zamboni

While we all wait for the inevitable — Florida going into the Obama "win" column — we cats are thinking about Bushes.

Why? Because the son of a former Florida Governor and nephew of the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived has signaled an intention to run for something in the state that Rick Perry once hinted should secede. (Note to Rick: Better hurry, because the Lone Star state will, mark our words, turn purple.) Meanwhile, the buzz among "shellshocked" Republicans for Jeb! Bush to run for President in 2016 is definitely on.

We cats say: What a laff. If Jeb! Bush is the superficial answer to right-wing bubble dwellers who think that a celebrity with family connections and a Mexican wife can simultaneously solve the Republicans' Latino problem and pull Florida back from the brink of turning Presidential blue, then think about this:

How many Florida Latinos who will become eligible to vote in 2016 will have never seen Jeb! Bush's name on a ballot? His last race was in 2002!

Back then, white folks ruled the I-4 corridor electorally. Today, it's Dominicans and Puerto Ricans and other people the GOP doesn't like.

Of the hardline Cuban-Americans who loved Jeb! and were proud to vote for him, how many of them are still around — or will be still around in four years?

How many of those hardliners' grandchildren don't give a darn about Jeb!'s daddy's CIA ties to the anti-Castro underground that once ruled the Cuban-American community?

You see where we're going with this. But, fine — if the Republicans want to window-dress with Jeb!, or his silly son, or with Baby Marco Rubio, or with Susana Martinez, or whoever, let them try. But they'll never attract more Hispanic support if they don't change their miserable policies and halt the hate.

Freeper Freakout

By Miss Kubelik

We cats have been so busy these last couple of days that we haven't had a moment to check on our favorite corner of the paranoid right-wing universe, Free Republic. Until now.

But that doesn't mean we don't care about them — please! We were worried about how they were handling Tuesday's election results. The answer, as so often is the case with them: not well.

Some Freepers are touting the Famous Quitter from Alaska for 2016 — while, interestingly, others don't want to have anything to do with her. Some are blaming Willard Mitt Romney, others Chris Christie — and still others, the alleged Republican voters who didn't turn out. The bottom line? Let's just say that most are eagerly awaiting the end of the Mayan calendar next month.

But what's truly gotten our attention is the following Freeper primal scream: "I'm ashamed of my country!"

Why? Because these Freeps were the same people who freaked out when Michelle Obama said in 2008, "For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country because it feels like hope is really making a comeback."

Why is being ashamed of the country if you're a Freeper any different from being proud of the country if you're an Obama supporter? Well, never mind. Let's just get right to the comments that followed that anguished declaration:

"State of the Union — dire! God, please help us!"

"Hide your stuff. The takers are coming for it."

"Anyone who voted Democrat [sic] is no countryman of mine. They are willful traitors or stupid animals."

"[The election] defined who I’ll be going forward. My vote was outnumbered by an ill-informed voter. I shall NEVER again waste my time and vote. We are outnumbered...we have made the ‘turn’ and there is no going back. Minorities are breeding at an alarming rate...we can never outnumber the left. I am officially tuning out...no pride in America...it’s gone."

"This America is not the one I grew up in and loved. Women voted Obama because of contraceptives and choice to kill their babies, unions voted because of their precious auto bailout, blacks voted because of the obvious, everyone voted selvishly [sic] and ignorantly not for what was good for America as a whole."

"It is truly a DARK DAY in the history of our once GREAT NATION!! My God, how we have fallen from your GRACE. God’s judgment upon this country is coming and it is coming soon. This country will not endure another four years of an Obama Presidency. We are a DOOMED nation."

"This is what happens when the other side controls the media and the schools. And when good men marry liberal women and let them raise the kids."

To all this vitriol, we cats say:

Freedom of speech is a beautiful concept. But it's not always a beautiful thing.