Friday, August 22, 2014

Bob's For Sobs

By Zamboni

The Transvaginal Bob McDonnell corruption trial just keeps getting more and more astonishing. Yesterday, Bob wanted to read aloud for the jury an endless, endless e-mail he wrote to his wife (and which we're sure his attorneys coached him to perform with just the right amount of chin-quivering and voice-quavering). Fortunately for all involved, Judge Spencer stopped him.

Still, it's been entered into the record, in all its seventh-grade glory. Read it only if you're studying to be a psychiatrist or if you just can't get enough of how willing the Transvaginal one is to humiliate himself in order to avoid heading to the hoosegow. (Or if "I want to be in love, not just watch movies about it" is your idea of literature. Sheesh, Bob needed a good editor.)

Much of the media focus has been on Bob's betrayal of Maureen, but why should anyone be surprised? This is a guy who has so little regard for women that he invaded their doctors' offices and butted into their medical decisions. The fact that he's a cad is hardly a shock.

A couple of questions, though, do pop into our minds:

FLOVA was such an abusive boss that a pair of high-priced consultants had to be brought in for months on end, to try to set things to rights. How much did we, the taxpayers of Virginia, pay for their services? And can Bob pay us back?

Bob said he enjoyed driving Jonnie Williams's Ferarri because he was "entitled to be normal." Normal people drive Ferarris?

If Bob and Maureen were so strapped for cash when they were younger, why did they keep having babies? Is that the Republican idea of personal responsibility?

Did Bob agree to the cash and the loans and the $20,000 shopping trip and the Ferrari and the Rolex watch and the cognac and the golf games and all of the rest of it because he was afraid of getting yelled at?

Bob laments in his endless, childish e-mail to Maureen that God "has not yet answered [his] prayers" about their marital woes. Gee, why not?

Well — maybe God is angry about the transvaginal probes. Ever think of that, Bob? We cats PURR.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Supremes Have Stayed Marriage Equality In Virginia, And It's Okay (For Now)

Just a quickie in case you're wondering: Although the execrable Michele McQuigg was one of the Virginia officials begging not to have to marry gay people to one another, our Democratic Attorney General, Mark Herring, also wanted the Supreme Court to stay the lifting of the Old Dominion's marriage ban (although for entirely different reasons).

Herring wants marriage equality to get to SCOTUS in a fast but orderly fashion. Here's what he said today:

"It is still difficult to expect Virginians to wait to exercise what I believe is a fundamental right, especially when we are so close to our goal... I reluctantly agreed that a stay was warranted in light of the way the Supreme Court handled a nearly identical case in Utah — and because of the potential that an adverse Supreme Court ruling might cause children adopted by a second parent to have that adoption heartbreakingly invalidated, death benefits conferred to grieving spouses taken away, and spousal benefits families thought would pay the bills thrown into limbo.

"Virginia's case is waiting for the Supreme Court's review, as are several others from around the country, and I have petitioned for an extraordinarily speedy review from the Court. Virginia families suffer each day that this decision is delayed."

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

It Coulda Been A "Game Change"

By Miss Kubelik

We cats had a sudden thought while reading through today's McDonnell trial coverage: What if Willard Mitt Romney had picked Transvaginal Bob? You know, as a running mate?

While we're not sure what ultimately tipped the scales against McDonnell, we can all speculate that the greedy Maureen pitching Ann Romney on Anatabloc at a campaign event in South Carolina couldn't have helped. On the other hand, it may have been more of a case of Willard just liking Mr. Widow's Peak from Wisconsin just a whole bunch better than he liked anybody else.

But it doesn't do any harm to imagine, especially since it's so fun. Because Transvaginal Bob's defense continues to portray Mrs. Transvaginal Bob as Wife From Hell. Today, her image also morphed into Boss From Hell.

In January 2012, the entire Governor's Mansion staff wrote a letter that threatened mass resignation if Maureen didn't stop abusing them in "screaming phone call[s]" and "nasty e-mail[s], during work, in the evenings, on the weekends and on holidays."

But wait, there's more: "We come to work every day wondering what the climate will be," the letter says. "'Who will get it today, and to what degree?'...Every one of us has mentioned the sick feeling we get when we see FLOVA on the caller ID, just wondering what we might have done wrong this time."

Gosh! Who does that remind you of? The greedy cheerleader, thrust into a role she had no preparation for, apparently terrorized people with erratic, unpredictable and childish behavior. And there's even a shopping spree!

No doubt about it: Picking Transvaginal Bob for the ticket would have placed a selfish, abusive, entitled, belittling bully right in the center of Team Romney. But Willard picked somebody else. Maybe the Republicans really did learn something from 2008.

Monday, August 18, 2014

The Photographer Who Took This Picture Has Been Arrested

We cats are outraged. Where would our country be without photojournalists?

Here's where: We would never have seen a soldier dying in the Spanish Civil War, demonstrators hosed by police in Birmingham, Alabama, or sailors kissing nurses in Times Square on V-J Day.

Free Scott Olson, now!

How's It Feel, Bob?

By Baxter

Did you think we cats had forgotten all about "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell and his greedy fat cheerleader wife, just because all this other serious stuff — like Iraq and Ferguson and immigration and Rick Perry's abuse of power — has been going on?

No! In fact, heck no! Transvaginal Bob and the repulsive Maureen's trial on the 14 felony counts that resulted from the government's, um, "probe" into their shady dealings with a vitamin salesman continues to provide welcome and wonderful relief from weightier issues of the day.

Not that we think that the charges are inconsequential — far from it. We just love, love, love the fact that the defense, which kicked off its cat-and-pony show this morning, has had to rely on vague assertions of "Oh, gee, Bob is such an honest and frugal guy," in between cringeworthy trashings of his loving Christian spouse. It got so bad, actually, that Maureen's attorneys asked today that the McDonnells be tried separately. (The no-nonsense Judge Spencer refused the request.)

We're also soaking up the comings and goings of Bob himself, swarmed outside the courthouse by reporters, whose scrum he navigates with non sequiturs and a Xanax-inspired dopey smile. This guy used to be in charge of the entire Commonwealth? Horrors!

We cats richly savor the fact that a man who — with his execrable attorney general — violated the privacy of countless Virginia women and their doctors, is now being assaulted by the media, the prosecutors, his former staff, his family, and, ultimately, us political rubberneckers. Is there someone who more richly deserves this? Well, yes — maybe the Cootch. Still and all, we cats PURR.

P.S. Unlike the McDonnell-adoring Janet Kelly, we cats would never dream of bothering God with the details of a stock purchase. Some people should never be let near the reins of government.

Lest We Furr-get: Back When The GOP Was A Lot More "Grand"

By Sniffles

Let's observe the death of former Senator James Jeffords (I-VT) by remembering that he used to be a Republican. And his kind of Republican doesn't exist any more.
  • Jeffords voted against the Reagan tax cuts of 1981.
  • He voted against the nomination of Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court.
  • He voted for the Brady Bill.
  • He voted for the Family and Medical Leave Act.
  • He supported affirmative action, Clinton-era healthcare reform, and ending the ban on gays in the military.
  • He opposed that stupid Republican "Flag Desecration Amendment" (which we cats are almost afraid to mention lest somebody take up the cause again).
You will not find a Republican taking any positions like these today. Not one. Yet we cats say, the GOP needs more Senators like Jim Jeffords.

Unfortunately, there don't seem to be any Baby Jims around these days. So we're left with this: Until the Republican Party either destroys itself or manages to somehow pull itself back from Nutcase World, it will continue to suffer. And sadly, so will the rest of us.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Canfield Drive Meets Tiananmen Square

We cats can't imagine feeling so strongly about something that, unarmed, you face down somebody who could kill you in an instant, just to make your point. But these guys both have a lot of guts.