Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Shades Of Shanks

By Baxter

We cats had no idea why an artist like Nelson Shanks would bother with painting a subject he apparently loathes. Was he really that hard up for the commission? We couldn't imagine, since under Bill Clinton's leadership the US economy boomed like never before.

And then we took one look at Nelson Shanks and we realized that interns and other nubile young nymphs probably aren't making any passes at him. So we chalked up his silly shadow-on-the-Clinton-portrait gimmick to pure jealousy.

But what if Shanks has started a trend here? Will portraits of other Presidents have to be redone — with shadows? If so, here are some suggestions.

Woodrow Wilson's portrait will have to have a ghostly Edith Wilson standing behind him, since she effectively acted as President when he was incapacitated by a stroke.

Whoever painted FDR will have to pencil in Lucy Mercer somewhere, maybe with Eleanor tripping her down some stairs.

There wouldn't be enough room in JFK's portrait for all of his paramours. Add Frank Sinatra instead — since he felt that Kennedy jilted him for Bing Crosby.

Nixon, of course, had no sex life. So he'll need to be repainted surrounded by tape recorders, cassettes, black bags and Cuban burglars.

Reagan was a slave to Mommy, so let's forget the shadows and just put him in an Alzheimer's ward. Maybe with some weapons addressed to Iran at the foot of his bed.

And of course, the portrait of the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived would have to include 4,491 shadows — one for every American service member he killed in Iraq. We cats HISS.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Tidbits And Cat Treats: Boehner Caves Edition

By Miss Kubelik

So much going on today — stuff we find amusing, and stuff we don't. We cats are settling in for our 16th nap of the day, but before we nod off, here are a few quick takes on what we've seen.

As soon as we read the headlines about John Boehner bringing a clean DHS bill to the House floor, we thought, ah — just like Nancy Pelosi said he would. And just like Boehner spokesman Michael Steel-Without-An-E said he wouldn't. That Nancy Pelosi sure knows her stuff. Good thing she stepped in and took charge.

Our next thought was that we had to check on our teabag friends over at Free Republic. Boy, were they mad! They hate Boehner more than they hate Obama now! And they think he's gay! (What?) And they want to start a third party! Now, that last one, we can get behind.

But the Freeps may not have to start a third party to seal the doom of today's GOP. It's surely not lost on Hispanics that House Republicans' latest meltdown happened thanks to their hatred of folks they call "illegals." Nevertheless, we cats would like to remind everyone that this is nothing new. Back in 1994, there was Pete Wilson and Prop 187. California's been blue ever since.

Finally, to Jeb! Bush and all those other Republicans who are screaming about Hillary Rodham Clinton's State Department emails and whether she's held any of them back, we say: Get a grip. How do we know? We read Hillary's 656-page doorstop of a book — and believe us, there's nothing she did as Secretary of State that's not in there. We cats PURR.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Bless My Homeland Security Forever

By Zamboni

Fifty years ago today, The Sound of Music premiered. The film employed a ton of talent (director Robert Wise, an editor of Citizen Kane, first among equals, we'd say). But what we cats keep thinking is, damn! — what a brilliant composer Richard Rodgers was.

Here is one of the songs that was not sung in the original TSOM stage production, but which Rodgers contributed to the film after lyricist Oscar Hammerstein had died. Audra McDonald proves how timeless Rodgers's music really is (even if Rodgers himself wasn't a very nice person). It all makes us cats PURR.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Lest We Furr-get: Beating The Blue Dog Blues

By Sniffles

So Blubberpuss John Boehner has decided to play the Ann Romney "this is hard" card on how tough it is to head the US House of Representatives. He thinks he can still lead there, he said on a Sunday gabfest today. But, he added, "I'm not going to suggest it's easy."

In short, WAAAHHH! Well, we cats say, "Boo-hoo to you, you Republican jackass." Of course it's not easy. As Tom Hanks said in "A League of Their Own," if it were easy, everyone would do it. And Boehner has clearly never been up to the job.

So while we're on the subject of women stepping up to the plate, let's talk about one woman in particular, Nancy Pelosi. When she was Speaker, you never saw this kind of crap going on. The House functioned, not only doing its most basic job (like, um, funding the government) but going above and beyond to accomplish great stuff (Obamacare, the stimulus, Lilly Ledbetter, DADT repeal, financial reform). And Nancy Pelosi did it in spite of having 50 to 60 Blue Dog Democrats who could strain at the leash at every turn.

Well, you know the old saying: You want something done right, ask a woman to do it. Nancy Pelosi gets a lot of guff, but she's never failed to keep us in awe. The hapless Republicans could learn a thing or two from her — but of course, being idiots, they never will. We cats HISS.

(IMAGE: She could beat him up with one hand tied behind her back.)

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Clown Car Results (And A Prediction)

By Baxter

We cats have reviewed the results of the always-amusing CPAC straw poll. The headlines boil down to this: Rand Paul wins (again), with Scott Walker (oooh!) breathing down his neck. Want a little taste of sanity? Here is our Democratic take on all the right-wing silliness.

  • Rand Paul (25.7%): As usual, the Paulies packed the joint. So the "dog bites man" headlines don't hurt, but don't help.
  • Ted Cruz (11.5%) and Ben Carson (11.4%): Tied for third, hm. Their results are "meh," but on the positive side of "meh."
  • Donald Trump (3.5%): Kinda surprising, but in a good way — for Trump.
  • Rick Santorum (4.3%): Better than last time for ol' Ricky-Ticky. Amazing to us cats, since so many of the CPACkers are young'uns. Don't they believe in birth control?
  • Jeb! Bush (8.3%): If they didn't boo him out of the room, which they didn't, he should have placed better than fifth.
  • Marco Rubio (3.7%): See Jeb! Bush, above. They just won't forgive him for immigration, will they?
  • Carly Fiorina (3.0%): Exhibit A on the perils of raising expectations.
  • Chris Christie (2.8%): Oh, please.
  • Rick Perry (1.1%) and Bobby Jindal (0.9%): How embarrassing.
As for Scott Walker (21.4%)? Beware, you cross-eyed college dropout, you. The Jeb! Bush assassination squad that so recently — and so successfully — trained its eyes on Chris Christie will soon be coming after you. We cats wouldn't suggest strolling near St. Basil's Cathedral any time soon. And we PURR.

Friday, February 27, 2015

"Failure To Fund DHS Fully Has Real Impacts On Public Safety"

By Miss Kubelik

Wow, remember 2003? We cats do. It was not "a very good year." Whipping up frenzy for a new Iraq war, Republicans spent their days impugning Democrats' patriotism, declaring that Americans "need[ed] to watch what they say, and watch what they do," and implying that anyone who didn't wear a yellow ribbon hated the troops and the country. All of it said and done in the non-shadow of the fallen Twin Towers. Ugh.

But how times do change. Today, right-wing Republicans in Congress refused to fund the Department of Homeland Security. The media are using words like "shocking defeat" and "stunning blow." We cats are neither shocked nor stunned. The world already knows that John Boehner is the worst Speaker in the history of the US House — and besides, when you don't believe in government, why would you be any good at governing?

So the embarrassment to the Republicans is nearly complete. The only thing we need now is for someone at CPAC tonight or tomorrow to spike the football to wild cheers from the bloodthirsty, chickenhawk whackjobs in the audience.

And you know what? Not only is the GOP putting the country's security at risk, but nobody seems to be pointing out that the DHS debacle is a stark reminder that the Republicans don't give a rat's ass about working Americans. Why else would they be willing to force air marshals, border patrol agents and other essential DHS personnel to work without pay? We cats SNARL and dump our dirty litter boxes over Boehner's and the Republicans' heads.

UPDATE: We save an especially filthy litter box to dump over the racist head of House whip Steve Scalise, whose BIG FAIL sealed the fate of the three-week funding bill. What a bunch of clowns.