Friday, July 31, 2015

The First Great Speech Of The 2016 Campaign

We cats are very impressed.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

A Pat On The Head And A Kick In The Rear

By Sniffles

We cats just sent a donation to Planned Parenthood, because, well, you know. And we hope that all those anti-choicers who are screaming about fetal tissue in research have loved ones who suffer from muscular dystrophy, Parkinson's or a degenerative disease of the retina. Or, even better, maybe they do. As opinion leaders more talented than we are have pointed out, medical research is not for the faint of heart.

But at the same time, we agree with Hillary Clinton that the Planned Parenthood "gotcha" videos are disturbing.

Here's why.

As we've already pointed out, we have no idea why PP's senior director of medical research was drinking wine at a business lunch. Has she been disciplined for that? Because using fetal tissue in research is defensible, and Planned Parenthood has been scrupulous in following the law about it. But it's just damn careless to treat the meal with the fake, phony and totally not real "Biomax" folks as a happy hour get-together, especially when the topic of your conversation is as serious and (pun intended) sobering as enabling medical breakthroughs. Sorry, Ms. PP Senior Director: Red wine at a weekday lunch is for folks in Montreal who know how to handle it. Not for you.

Second, Planned Parenthood gets 10,000 demerits for being snookered by these anti-woman jackasses. After years — nay, decades — of opposition, including intimidation, harassment and even murder, you would think that our side would be a lot more sophisticated than that. You get a call from "Biomax"? Do you research the company online before you meet? Do you check with your contacts in the biomedical research field to see if anybody's heard of them? Do you just use a freaking ounce of common sense before you agree to have lunch with them and share a bottle of Merlot? This drives us cats absolutely mad, and now that we've started venting about it we almost want to take our donation back.

Except that we don't. Because Planned Parenthood deserves to survive, and idiots like Rand Paul and Ben Carson and all the other penis people in the Republican Party are on the wrong side of reason. So we hope that Planned Parenthood has learned its lesson, and that this kind of crap will, someday soon, be a thing of the past. We cats PURR at the same time that we HISS.

Makes Cheney Look Good

By Miss Kubelik

Around this time of year, 50-pound bags of deer corn start showing up at our local Walmart and, we presume, at sporting goods stores. It always annoys us cats because we know what it's for: luring unsuspecting woodland creatures out so that teabag guys who don't feel manly unless they shoot something can slaughter them. (Our owners buy it, but only to shoot deer with a camera, not a gun.)

We instantly thought of the deer corn when we heard about the murder of Cecil the Lion. The details of the crime are so appalling that we cats can't bear to repeat them here. Suffice to say that the perpetrator, a loathsome individual named Walter Palmer who practices dentistry when he's not killing endangered animals, deserves to be hounded from society for all time.

Happily, that appears to be what's happening. Social media has exploded in revulsion, and this Palmer psychopath has been forced to shut down all of his lives, online and real. Newt Gingrich is among those calling for Palmer to be hauled off to the hoosegow. Wow — we cats agree with Newt Gingrich! Just amazing.

There are not enough dirty litter boxes in the world to dump on Walter Palmer's head, in his underwear drawer, his hot tub or anywhere else. We cats will have to rely on the world's most famous conservationist to speak for us, because we are simply speechless at Palmer's cruelty, pusillanimity and depravity. He no longer qualifies as a member of the human race, and we cats HISS.

"Not only is it incomprehensible to me that anyone would want to kill an endangered animal (fewer than 20,000 wild lions in Africa today) but to lure Cecil from the safety of a national park and then to shoot him with a crossbow? I have no words to express my repugnance.”

—Jane Goodall

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

What Pet?

A cat, of course.

Unless a horse.

But since our Ted

Was a leftie, they've said

We think a choice

Between a cat or rat

Should be a Democrat.

We cats PURR.

Harper's Northerland Not So Good To Donald Sutherland

By Zamboni

In case you're wondering, conservatives are trying to keep people from voting in the True North, too.

The Tory government of Stephen Harper in Canada says Donald Sutherland can't vote. And Sutherland is mighty annoyed about it.

"In 1978," the actor wrote in a Globe & Mail op-ed, "the government made me an Officer of the Order of Canada. The Governor-General gave me the Governor-General’s Award awhile back. I am on your Walk of Fame in Toronto. My sense of humor is Canadian. But I can’t vote. Did you know that? If you don’t live here all the time, you can’t vote."

That's because Sutherland's been living and working abroad (okay, in the US) for more than five years. So even though he still holds his Canadian passport, and has refused to take out American citizenship, Stephen Harper doesn't want him casting a ballot.

We cats are mystified. Why wouldn't a democratic government want to encourage — and make it easy for — all its citizens to vote?

And why, especially, disenfranchise a celebrity as big as Sutherland — an actor who, after multiple versions of "Pride and Prejudice," made us laugh like never before when he played Mr. Bennet in 2005?

"Is it because they’re afraid we’ll vote to return to a government that will once again represent the values that the rest of the world looked up to us for?" Sutherland asked. "Maybe."

We cats say there's no maybe about it. And we HISS.

Monday, July 27, 2015

John McCain Is A DumbDumb, Too

By Baxter

John McCain has lashed out at the execrable Rafael Cruz, Jr. for calling Mitch McConnell a liar the other day. “Let’s even assume that [Cruz was] right, which he wasn’t, you still don’t do that,” McCain sniffed.

But does John McCain realize that he's responsible for Ted Cruz?

Cruz was going nowhere in his 2012 Texas Senate race until the Famous Quitter from Alaska — before a canceled TV show and a failed web channel and a second bastard grandchild all hit — endorsed him.

And of course the Famous Quitter would have been Nowheresville in the first place had John McCain not plucked her from deserved obscurity to be his running mate in 2008. (We cats still think that nomination was tantamount to treason.)

So now Rafael Jr. is rubbing McCain and all those Republican Senators the wrong way? As with Donald Trump, they have only themselves to blame. We cats HISS.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

DumbDumb Debate

By Sniffles

Although the hapless inhabitants of Pundit World are trying to pretend that Donald Trump's Republican primary surge has "peaked," we cats beg to differ. It's clearly wishful thinking, as today's NBC News/Marist poll shows: D.T. is #1 in New Hampshire and breathing down Scott Walker's neck in Iowa. Gosh!

Which reminds us, did you catch the insults that Trump hurled Walker's way yesterday? So let's discuss the August 6 GOP debate — for which Trump will surely be onstage, and over which the overpaid, under-intelligent Beltway prognosticators are wringing their hands.

Prediction: Trump will say or do another outlandish thing a day or two prior to Cleveland. We cats would be shocked if he didn't, because it would change the conversation, roil the questioning and  mess with everybody's minds.

It'll be an added wrinkle to an already fraught situation for the other clown-car candidates. Think about it: If you were a GOP campaign staffer, how would you prep your candidate for this FOX "News" circus? They won't know until "the most recent polls" come out which clown will be on which stage. So, Republican campaign managers: Will your guy (or gal) be at the grown-up table or the kid table? What if you prep your candidate to slam Lady Lindsey Graham on national defense, or trade barbs with Jeb! Bush on Common Core, only to see him/her have to settle for raking Piyush Jindal over the sad state of Louisiana?

And even if your candidate is solidly at the grown-up table, there still will be a thousand other people on the stage. How many zingers for how many competing candidates can one person memorize? What if Trump drives the debate in a totally different direction and your guy loses the chance to deliver his best line?

What a mess. We wonder when Rancid Pieface is going to be called to account for it. And funny how these people think they should run the country when they can't even run this. We cats HISS and PURR at the same time.