Wednesday, July 30, 2014

"I Love My Children Very Much. I'm Sorry They're Having To Go Through This"

By Sniffles

The Transvaginal Bob McDonnell corruption trial is astonishing. We cats had a live blog up on our computer all day, and just when we thought the testimony couldn't get any more cringe-inducing, it did.

And it's just beginning! Goodness gracious, Transvaginal Bob and his greedy cheerleader wife must truly fear prison — or have an exalted sense of righteousness — or both — to willingly subject themselves to such humiliation. In fact, it's so bad that we cats are thinking that even if "Bo" and "Mo" don't get convicted, we've enjoyed ourselves enough.

But then we wallow in the details, and we change our minds. Let's review them again, shall we?
  • Daughter Cailin, weeping on the stand, claimed that she and her husband would have preferred a simple, backyard wedding and never thought to question a $15,000 payment for her catering bill from "Jonnie" Williams, a man she'd met for only 15 minutes.
  • Son "Bobby" received golf clubs from Williams, and even though he thought the gift was "excessive," decided to keep them because Williams was his friend, not his parents'.
  • Maureen wanted Williams's private plane to hopscotch across the Commonwealth, picking up her three adult children in two different locations and take them to the Homestead resort — a journey they could have driven in less than two hours.
  • Williams flew daughter Rachel and a friend down to Florida for a lavish, beach-club-and-yacht-trip-filled vacation.
  • Maureen told Williams that she and Transvaginal Bob were broke, adding, "The governor says it’s okay for me to help you, but I need you to help me with this financial situation." (That sounds pretty quid pro quo-y to us.) 
Yep, these McDonnells are truly the most embarrassing Republican family since the Palins. But the worst is Transvaginal Bob himself. He's not only guilty of forcing his rigid, narrow religious views into Virginians' personal lives by enshrining them in restrictive legislation. He isn't just a closet hater who wrote a homophobic master's thesis at Regent "University" and issued a Confederate History Month proclamation that completely ignored slavery. He is also a rotten, awful, horrible man.

How do we know? Here's how. He claims to adore his children. But for some strange, twisted reason, he refused a plea offer and insisted on this trial instead — this trial that is making his daughter cry, his son look like an idiot, and his family a laughingstock. If that's fine, upstanding Christian manhood, we cats HISS.


You've seen this map, right? In the purple states, dogs are more popular than cats. States in green? Cat Country.

We Democratic cats see similarities between this cat-versus-dog America and some other interesting US maps. Think we're exaggerating? Check it out.

Here's the 2012 election, red versus blue:

Here's the Medicaid expansion map. States in blue accepted additional Medicaid monies under the provisions of the Affordable Care Act. States in yellow have not — and coincidentally, nearly all have Republican Governors. (Virginia is still yellow, but not because our Terry McAuliffe hasn't tried.)

Finally, here's marriage equality. This was a tough one, because it seems to change hour by hour, but it's pretty much up to date. States in green — well, you get it.

In short, we're seeing a lot of enlightened states, with Democratic Governors who care about the health of their constituents, with people who favor equal protection under the law, who voted for President Obama, and who own a lot of cats. It all makes us PURR.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Probing Questions

By Zamboni

Hoo boy. It's only the first post-jury-selection day for the Transvaginal-Bob-McDonnell-and-his-greedy-wife corruption trial, and already it's made headlines.

"[F]ormer first lady Maureen McDonnell had a crush on wealthy benefactor Jonnie Williams, Sr. and considered him her favorite 'playmate,' a defense attorney told jurors today," the Richmond Times-Dispatch reports. Williams, we are told, "showered her with the attention she craved."

What? We cats have questions.

Why is Maureen's "crush" a defense? It just adds fuel to the prosecutors' fire. What better way for a spoiled, mad-as-a-wet-cat former cheerleader to get back at her neglectful Governor-husband by making him do illegal stuff for her favorite... oh, sorry, but we can't repeat it without hacking up a hairball. Our point is this: Bob still did the stuff.

And — marital problems? What's that about? Maybe one of Transvaginal Bob's character witnesses, Ken "Fetuses Should Drive Ferraris" Cuccinelli, can explain why a devout couple like the McDonnells didn't get marriage counseling from their clergyman like every good Christian man and wife are supposed to do.

We just hope that Transvaginal Bob, as he sat and listened to this embarrassing tripe, felt like somebody was sticking a probe up a body cavity. As for us, in the words of Alan Jay Lerner: "How simply frightful! How humiliating! How delightful!"

(IMAGE: Northern Virginia Magazine)

Monday, July 28, 2014

Another Bad Day To Be Bob Marshall

By Miss Kubelik

Could our gay and lesbian friends get hitched in Virginia in 21 days? We cats can't wait to hear, because a federal appeals court has just declared unconstitutional the Marshall-Newman amendment — Virginia's same-sex marriage ban.

Our guess is that the diehard opponents of marriage equality — including our silly delegate to Richmond — will whine all the way to the Supreme Court. But still, it's another bright spot on an already fun day (jury selection is underway in "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell's corruption trial even as we meow).

We'll keep our ears pricked for further developments. But meanwhile, we never fail to laugh at how the haters keep citing ancient polls and elections to support their bans. Virginians voted against marriage equality eight years ago. Today, the people have completely flipped on the issue — something that "the Family Foundation of Virginia" never mentions.

Here's a question for you: If we discover that at some point a majority of Americans were against the Revolution, should we hand ourselves back to Britain? We cats PURR.

(PHOTO: Virginia marriage ban plaintiffs Tony London and Timothy Bostic, by Daniel Sangjib Min, Richmond Times-Dispatch)

Sunday, July 27, 2014

"A Potentially Humiliating Spectacle"

By Baxter

Depressed about the state of the world lately? If you've had your fill of crashing planes, fighting in the Middle East, and immigrant children accused of carrying the ebola virus, take heart — "Transvaginal Bob" McDonnell is coming to your rescue.

That's because the corruption trial of Virginia's former Republican Governor and his squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, covetous wife starts tomorrow! Which means that while we're having a lovely, relaxing Sunday evening right now, Bob and Maureen are, um, not.

We cats are so looking forward to this trial that we're actually thinking of missing a few naps to follow it. Meanwhile, here are some thoughts on the excitement to come:

Defense attorneys are allegedly going to claim that Maureen accepted baubles from bogus-pill-pusher "Jonnie" Williams without Transvaginal Bob's knowledge. In short: Bob will throw wifey under the bus, like any good Christian husband should.

Defense attorneys also will try to slam Williams for boasting to Bob that he knew Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. We cats think this could backfire. Jurors might wonder why, after hearing something like that, Transvaginal Bob didn't run screaming into the night.

Even in their final days in Richmond's Executive Mansion, Maureen was trying to cadge free stuff. She demanded four boxes of Christmas ornaments that belonged to the state. "The Citizens Advisory Council for Furnishing and Interpreting the Mansion...offered to let her pay for them," The Washington Post reports. "She declined." What else is there to say?

Oh, maybe one thing: We cats would like to have a dollar for every time that, over the coming weeks, a pundit will call the McDonnell downfall a "tragedy." Sorry, folks. The tragedy is what Transvaginal Bob and his repulsive party, with its unbending majority in Richmond, have done to the women of Virginia and the overall state of the Commonwealth. Which makes us cats HISS.

(IMAGE: Jonnie and Maureen, before the roof fell in.)

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Funny, You Don't LOOK American!

By Sniffles

Republican Congressman and all-around idiot Curt Clawson tried to brush off his behavior in a House hearing on Thursday by semi-blaming it on his staff for not "fully briefing" him. But he's just the latest example of the GOP's attitude toward people who don't look like them.

Clawson indulgently told State and Commerce Department officials Nisha Biswal and Arun Kumar, "I'm familiar with your country; I love your country," and urged them to tell the folks in New Delhi to work with the US economically. "I ask cooperation and commitment and priority from your government in so doing," he said. "Can I have that?"

Biswal and Kumar treated this moron far more graciously than he deserved, which is probably for the best. But what is it with Republicans and people of color? Clearly, Clawson looked at these two faces attached to those names, and assumed they couldn't possibly be from the land of E Pluribus Unum.

We cats have an idea: Let's show Clawson a picture of Bobby Jindal, tell him he's the Prime Minister of India, and see if he agrees.

Friday, July 25, 2014

"The NFL Wants Your Money. It Will Do Nothing Else For You."

We cats are grateful to Keith Olbermann for getting us through the Bush years. Now, we're glad that he reminds us to be outraged.