The Ice Sheet Hits The Fan

By Zamboni

We cats are not done slapping around Baby Marco Rubio. Let's talk about melting icebergs, shall we?

Thanks to the collapse of the Western Antarctic ice sheet, it is now a done deal that sea levels will rise 13 feet in the next — what? They're saying a century or so, but at the rate the Koch brothers are spending to elect Republicans and keep climate change going, it'll probably be way faster than that. So say goodbye to the Conch Republic, the Everglades, Miami Beach, the Hollywood boardwalk, and probably the rest of the Florida Peninsula. No more Kennedy Space Center, no more Calle Ocho, no more Crockett and Tubbs.

Why? Because 13 feet, for those of you who live in the rest of the world, equal about four meters — and the map above shows the wipeout that South Florida would endure after only about a half meter rise. (For more information on how screwed Miami is, check out this report from Business Insider Australia.)

Yet the child who currently occupies one of the Sunshine State's US Senate seats denies that it's all happening.

We cats were astounded, until we realized what Baby Marco was really saying in that despicable interview. And it is this: "I got elected with big-time help from the Kochs and Americans for Prosperity, and since I'm hoping those same crooks deliver the White House to me the way they delivered a Senate seat, you've got to be a total moron if you think I'm going to provide one inch of daylight between me and the K Brothers on global warming."

But oh, Baby Marco, here's the thing. By going on and on (and making absolutely no sense) about climate change — in the very same interview in which you one-hundred-percent declared your candidacy for (GURK!) President — you have managed to elevate the media's focus on the issue and expose the idiocy of your position, all at the same time.

We cats think your fellow Republicans are none too happy with you about this. And Baby Marco, if you haven't taken swimming lessons yet, now's the time. We cats PURR.