CPAC: World's Best Sleep Aid

By Miss Kubelik

We cats generally don't need any help when it's time to nod off. But goodness gracious, we've seen a lot of soporific, lazy reporting about the CPAC clown convention that just wrapped up this weekend. Allow us to make a few observations before we take our next Valentine's Day catnap.

First, we must say that we love, LOVE the fact that Andrew Breitbart was served with Shirley Sherrod's lawsuit there. Great move, Shirl! And we certainly hope that whoever that brave server was, he got out of that den of rabidity alive.

Next, aside from the fact that the Republicans clearly have a libertarian vs. social conservative problem — which Rachel Maddow has 'splained far more eloquently than we could — we can't imagine better news from the 2011 CPAC straw poll (unless it was the 2010 CPAC straw poll). Here's how we see it breaking down:

• True libertarians (Ron Paul, Gary Johnson) = 36 percent
• Economic conservatives (Mitt Romney, Chris Christie, Mitch Daniels) = 33 percent
• Social conservatives (Newt Gingrich, Tim Pawlenty, Michele Bachmann, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, John Thune, etc.) = 20 percent
• Isolationists (Paul) = 30 percent
• Foreign policy bomb throwers (Gingrich, Bachmann, Santorum) = 11 percent
• Fungible guys who are nothing but whores (Romney, Gingrich, Pawlenty, Haley Barbour) = 33 percent

Now, that's a divided party. So divided, in fact, that others who so far have been just musing about it (Giuliani, Pataki, Jindal, DeMint, Rand Paul) may decide to get into the race. But wait, here's more.

At some point, Mitt Romney has to answer this question: How does he get beyond his usual one-quarter to one-third of the vote? He couldn't do it against a wounded front-runner in 2008, so how does he do it against self-funding candidates who will be able to compete with him financially in 2012? Stay tuned.

As for the other candidates, what could they be thinking? Well, we cats have some ideas.

Michele Bachmann: "I gave away 2,000 T-shirts, got my picture taken with 3,000 people, gave a red-meat speech and got fewer than 200 votes?? On the other hand, I beat the person who's not being mentioned on this blog in February. So, yay!"

Tim Pawlenty: "I'm in a two-way tie for sixth place. The perfect spot to be, according to the Joe Lieberman School of Politics. But I've been running harder, and more correctly, than anyone else in the field — and I tie with a whack-job like Bachmann? Rats!" (Or whatever it is that people in Minnesota say when they're mad.)

Donald Trump: "I gave a rip-roaring speech but couldn't break 1 percent? I'm fired!"

Rick Santorum: "I probably got hurt the most of anyone. I said things in the run-up to the conference that should have guaranteed a packed house. Instead, I spoke to a half-empty ballroom. Oh, God, people are going to run that picture of my little girl crying again."

Haley Barbour: "I'm the candidate of the insiders, the lobbyists, the big-money types and the (literal, in my case) fat cats. And the grassroots doesn't know who I am, doesn't care who I am, and doesn't want me. That's the last time I help Republican governors across the country get elected!"

Jon Huntsman: "Okay, this wasn't my crowd. But what is my crowd?"

Mike Huckabee: "Maybe appearing on FOX once a week in a dead timeslot is not the road to winning Iowa the second time around. Maybe I'll have to choose between paying the mortgage on that $3 million home in Florida's Redneck Riviera and running for President. Oh, Lord..."

John Thune (to his mirror): "Stick to the Senate, pretty boy."