Clown Car Results (And A Prediction)

By Baxter

We cats have reviewed the results of the always-amusing CPAC straw poll. The headlines boil down to this: Rand Paul wins (again), with Scott Walker (oooh!) breathing down his neck. Want a little taste of sanity? Here is our Democratic take on all the right-wing silliness.

THE KIND-OF WINNERS:

• Rand Paul (25.7%): As usual, the Paulies packed the joint. So the "dog bites man" headlines don't hurt, but don't help.
• Ted Cruz (11.5%) and Ben Carson (11.4%): Tied for third, hm. Their results are "meh," but on the positive side of "meh."
• Donald Trump (3.5%): Kinda surprising, but in a good way — for Trump.
• Rick Santorum (4.3%): Better than last time for ol' Ricky-Ticky. Amazing to us cats, since so many of the CPACkers are young'uns. Don't they believe in birth control?

THE BIG FAILS:

• Jeb! Bush (8.3%): If they didn't boo him out of the room, which they didn't, he should have placed better than fifth.
• Marco Rubio (3.7%): See Jeb! Bush, above. They just won't forgive him for immigration, will they?
• Carly Fiorina (3.0%): Exhibit A on the perils of raising expectations.
• Chris Christie (2.8%): Oh, please.
• Rick Perry (1.1%) and Bobby Jindal (0.9%): How embarrassing.

As for Scott Walker (21.4%)? Beware, you cross-eyed college dropout, you. The Jeb! Bush assassination squad that so recently — and so successfully — trained its eyes on Chris Christie will soon be coming after you. We cats wouldn't suggest strolling near St. Basil's Cathedral any time soon. And we PURR.