The Fugitives

By Baxter

We cats have been waiting for the perfect Trumpsters-Are-Awful-In-A-Microcosm story — and James and Jennifer Crumbley may have just given it to us.

Obviously, it's terrible that four innocent young people died at Oxford High in Michigan. We hate the country that we've become, awash in guns because of a misreading of the Second Amendment. In short, we wish that the Crumbley story didn't exist. But since it does, let's explain.

Fifteen-year-old Ethan Crumbley opened fire at school on Tuesday with a semiautomatic pistol that his parents had bought just the Friday before. That Tuesday morning, there was a parent-teacher conference about Ethan's previous, disturbing behavior — but nothing came of it, and Ethan's backpack was not searched. Not long after, Ethan started firing at his classmates, but not before his mother had helpfully texted him, "LOL, I'm not mad at you. You have to learn not to get caught."

Since then, prosecutors in Michigan have decided to charge the Crumbley parents with four counts of involuntary manslaughter. And now, the parents are on the lam.

WHOA. That's a pretty breathless move — but then, we never thought MAGAts would actually attack the Capitol, either. So, are we to assume that James and Jennifer (who loved Trump so much she was hoping he would grab her by the you-know-what) have abandoned their son? Who, we presume, is still in custody? What a party of law and order! What a party of life! What a party of personal responsibility!

If the parents don't return to be arraigned — and they were no-shows today — US Marshals and the Oakland County Fugitive Apprehension Team will have to search every MAGA yurt from the UP to the border of Indiana to find them. Because as we know from the Crumbleys' idol, Donald Trump, they consider themselves victims of the deep state, champions of gun rights, and answerable to no one. Meanwhile, their actions have guaranteed the families of the Oxford High victims a pretty shitty Christmas. We cats HISS.

(VIDEO: Oakland County prosecutor Karen McDonald announces charges against the Crumbleys, whose name has Dickensian implications we would love to discuss but cannot here.)