Biden Booms

By Miss Kubelik

"Dark Brandon" is the hot topic on social media today. It started after Team Biden announced on Monday that a US drone had taken out al-Qaeda mastermind Ayman al-Zawahiri — and now, with the Friday jobs report out, it's resurfaced with a vengeance.

Bwwaaah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!

Dark Brandon has just had one of the most successful weeks any President could have. In fact, all the current living former Presidents must be jealous. Here's what Biden has presided over just since Monday:

• Zawahiri killed
• CHIPS Act passes
• PACT Act passes
• Democrats reach a deal on Inflation Reduction Act (go ahead, Republicans, try voting against an act called "Inflation Reduction")
• Gas prices hit a 50-day low, with a median price below $4 a gallon
• Kansas protects abortion rights (YAY!)
  
• 528,000 jobs added in July
• And, what the heck, we'll add in today's $45 million judgment against Alex Jones — not because Biden had anything to do with it, but because it makes us feel so good!

Need we mention that Biden presided over all of this from his COVID isolation booth? Social distancing has its advantages, because only Dark Brandon would speak to the nation today from the Truman Balcony — wearing his aviator sunglasses. We think Joe gets the meme.

Meanwhile, what's happening back in Trump World? Well, Tish James has deposed Donald Jr. and Ivanka, and soon will depose Benedict Donald himself. Trump's lawyers are warning him that the Department of Justice may indict him. And the January 6 Committee has subpoenaed Alex Jones's cellphone. So much winning! We cats PURR.