Completely Predictable

By Sniffles

One of our first thoughts when we heard that Apollo 13 astronaut Jim Lovell had died was whether Benedict Donald had tweeted anything about it. After all, normal Presidents issue official statements and tributes when prominent Americans cross the Rainbow Bridge. Except, of course, Trump is anything but normal.

Donald may have said something by now — we don't know for sure, because we make it a habit not to check on his interwebs presence if we can help it. (In fact, we try to keep our daily lives as Trump-free as possible.) But once we gave it a little thought, we knew exactly what the malignant narcissist in the Oval Office would say.

First, he would briefly mention Lovell's accomplishments, and then talk about how they hardly compare with the "successes" of his seven-month-old administration. He would also claim that he, Donald, deserves all the awards that Lovell received, and more — the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the Congressional Space Medal of Honor, and the Légion d'Honneur (you know how Trump likes those Frenchy things).

Then, he would pivot to the 1995 movie, and say how terrible it was that a radical Marxist like Ron Howard directed it and that a Communist like Tom Hanks played Jim Lovell in it. He would say some nice things about the actor Gary Sinise, who played Ken Mattingly, the astronaut who was scratched from the mission for measles he didn't have. (Sinise, whom we otherwise like, is a conservative in liberal Hollywood.)

Finally, he might say something about Kevin Bacon's character, the astronaut Jack Swigert, who replaced Mattingly and who was later elected to Congress as a Republican (but who died before taking office). However, we're guessing that Donald's overdose of cheeseburgers and Adderall would kick in first — and besides, that kind of political history is too ancient and arcane for him to comprehend.

The bottom line is that we cats hate the fact that we're able to game out these Trump tweeting scenarios. We deeply resent being so closely acquainted with his pathology, and we HISS.