Shades Of Shanks

By Baxter

We cats had no idea why an artist like Nelson Shanks would bother with painting a subject he apparently loathes. Was he really that hard up for the commission? We couldn't imagine, since under Bill Clinton's leadership the US economy boomed like never before.

And then we took one look at Nelson Shanks and we realized that interns and other nubile young nymphs probably aren't making any passes at him. So we chalked up his silly shadow-on-the-Clinton-portrait gimmick to pure jealousy.

But what if Shanks has started a trend here? Will portraits of other Presidents have to be redone — with shadows? If so, here are some suggestions.

Woodrow Wilson's portrait will have to have a ghostly Edith Wilson standing behind him, since she effectively acted as President when he was incapacitated by a stroke.

Whoever painted FDR will have to pencil in Lucy Mercer somewhere, maybe with Eleanor tripping her down some stairs.

There wouldn't be enough room in JFK's portrait for all of his paramours. Add Frank Sinatra instead — since he felt that Kennedy jilted him for Bing Crosby.

Nixon, of course, had no sex life. So he'll need to be repainted surrounded by tape recorders, cassettes, black bags and Cuban burglars.

Reagan was a slave to Mommy, so let's forget the shadows and just put him in an Alzheimer's ward. Maybe with some weapons addressed to Iran at the foot of his bed.

And of course, the portrait of the Worst Person Who's Ever Lived would have to include 4,491 shadows — one for every American service member he killed in Iraq. We cats HISS.