A Night To Forget

By Baxter

Here's a fun political game for you Titanic buffs. (With apologies — after this week, we're all a bit saturated, aren't we?)

However, as overloaded as we all might be on the 100th anniversary of history's most famous maritime disaster, we couldn't help wondering what would have happened on the doomed ship had the Republicans been running things that night. So here goes.

If the Republicans were in charge the night the Titanic went down:

It wouldn't have been women and children first, no matter what class you were in. All the rich old white guys — John Jacob Astor, Benjamin Guggenheim, Charles Melville Hays, et. al. — would have been in the first lifeboat. (Except for Isidor Straus, who was Jewish, don'tcha know.)

Any woman with small children would die, but the pregnant Mrs. Astor would have been saved. (As noted, Republicans love fetuses, hate women and children.)

Lifeboats would only have been loaded on the starboard side, naturally.

Eric Cantor would have barred long-serving incumbent Republicans from entering the lifeboats, favoring upstart teabaggers instead.

Passengers would have been encouraged to shoot one another to get to the boats.

James O'Keeffe would have taken undercover video, after which, having stolen a lifeboat seat from a steerage passenger, he would have made selective edits to portray heroes as villains and villains, heroes.

With Chris Christie, Rush Limbaugh and James Sensenbrenner aboard, the ship would have sunk faster.

Clarence Thomas would have been the captain of the Californian: sitting ineptly on the sidelines, twiddling his thumbs, asking no questions — but dooming scads of people all the same.

The most cowardly passenger on board, of course, would have been Darrell Issa-may.