Surveying The Senate

By Hubie and Bertie

Happy V-E Day. It's hard to believe that 75 years after the Allies defeated the Nazis, America is fighting dudes toting swastikas at home. Which means it's time to talk about V-R Day: Victory over the Republicans this November.

Specifically, the Senate. With unemployment at Great Depression levels, and Americans scared to return to public spaces — all thanks to Benedict Donald's hamfisted handling of the coronavirus — the field has opened up for Democrats. If things hold, we have an excellent chance of sending Moscow Mitch and his merry band of traitors into the minority.

To make things easy, we've grouped vulnerable GOP seats into the following tiers — with the top tier as most likely to flip to the Democrats, and so on. As you survey the list, think about which Senate candidate you'd like to support, and if you can, send a few dollars his or her way. Maybe use some of that coronavirus stimulus check that Benedict Donald was bragging so much about.

First Tier
Arizona — Former astronaut and husband of Gabrielle Giffords Mark Kelly is leading his Republican hack opponent, appointed idiot Martha McSally, by nine points. McSally is such a clown, you can just picture John McCain rooting for Kelly, wherever John McCain is. This one really does seem out of reach for the GOP.

Second Tier
Maine — House speaker Sara Gideon leads the ever-irritating, Kavanaugh-and-Trump enabler Susan Collins by four points. It's a closer race than in Arizona, but take it from us: Collins would much rather be ahead. We'll re-evaluate this after the Democratic primary.

Colorado — This race also bears re-evaluating after the Democratic primary, but at the moment, goodness gracious: John Hickenlooper leads Cory Gardner, 54 percent to 36 percent. Make that a 20-point spread and we cats will vault it into Tier #1.

Third Tier
North Carolina — Democrat Cal Cunningham is the candidate Thom Tillis did not want to face, but too bad for him. Cunningham outraised him in the first quarter, too, so people are excited. We're keeping this in Tier #3 for now, because Tillis has a pretty big war chest and he's not the truly despicable POS Richard Burr. But we're hoping that some North Carolinians will get confused and think he is.

Montana — Democrats are benefiting from a good candidate in Steve Bullock, a surprise addition to the race. This guy is going places. Maybe even beyond the Senate someday.

Iowa — Again, we'll re-evaulate this after the Democratic primary, but butch dwarf Joni Ernst's previous lead has vanished into a coronavirus haze. She leads Democrat Theresa Greenfield by just one point.

Fourth Tier
South Carolina — Can Lady Lindsey pull it off, after all his Trump-hugging and lackluster fundraising? Maybe not. The Democrats have an excellent candidate in Jaime Harrison, who's only behind by four percent. Those are sad-sack numbers for a veteran incumbent like Graham.

The rest of the races — in Texas, Kentucky (yes, Kentucky), Georgia and Mississippi — are worth a separate blog post, but suffice to say they're all enticing and technically should be completely out of Democrats' reach this year. The fact that Moscow Mitch and his GOP minions can't take them off the table speaks volumes. We cats PURR.