Saturday, July 9, 2016

Guns, Natty's Way

By Miss Kubelik

We cats used to think that we would have to move to Canada because The Worst Person Who's Ever Lived invaded Iraq. Or because we would need universal healthcare. But now, we think we might have to move to Canada because of the guns. How in the world did this happen?

If we were to interpret the Constitution like strict, Scalia-esque constructionalists, we would insist that our citizenry only should be able to arm itself like Daniel Day-Lewis in "The Last of the Mohicans." Instead, we find ourselves in the 21st century in a country that is awash in guns. Surely this is not what the Founders intended.

Chaos occurs in all societies. The question is whether it can be averted when access to deadly weaponry can be controlled. This, we cats think, is indisputable. The fact that fringe-y special interest groups can warp a well-intentioned Constitutional amendment to mean that we all should open-carry and distrust one another is obscene in the extreme.

If we cats had our way, we would rip the Second Amendment out of the Constitution. Realizing that that's impossible, we propose that, in the spirit of strict Constitutionalism, only the guns that were legal in 1787 should be protected. Let Micah Johnson try to kill police officers with the rifle that Hawkeye used. We cats PURR.

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