Friday, July 22, 2016

Worst. Ever.

By Zamboni

Gosh! Can we come out from under the bed now? We cats had no idea that Barack Obama's America was such a frightening place. Healthcare coverage for millions? Terrifying! Unemployment under 5 percent? We're petrified! Stock market above 18,000? Positively knee-knocking. (Of course, if you're driving while black and get pulled over, we guess the country can be a little scary.)

What a strange and dreary speech Donald Drumpf gave last night. "Trump Sets Ominous Tone" is, to our minds, not a good headline. So chalk up "Trump's speech bombs" as one of the things that we correctly predicted could go wrong at the Republican National Convention.

As for the others, fasten your seat belts for the rest of the bumpy ride:

Mitch McConnell was, indeed, booed.

The hate that was spewed about Hillary Clinton was beyond anything even we could have imagined. Secret Service, we hope you were watching.

Rafael Cruz, Jr. may not have gone all Pat Buchanan (he probably does that every day), but he sure went rogue, didn't he? With a satisfied little smirk on his face, too.

As a result, we nearly had some in-the-arena violence as Heidi Cruz had to be escorted out for her own safety. (Her valiant protector: Virginia's own Cootchy! We're so proud.)

Collateral Cruz damage included gay-hater Mike Pence, whose speech was, if not a dud, completely overshadowed.

And um, Melania bombed, too. Except we didn't know that in real time. Thank you, Jarrett Hill!

Finally, yes — people left early and there were rows of empty seats. Good thing the balloons dropped! (Except they almost didn't.) We cats PURR.

UPDATE: Dana Milbank in The Washington Post has reminded us that delegates did, indeed, chant "Build a wall! Build a wall!" We cats rest our case.

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